I just thought this was interesting. All us parents, be we Moebius moms and dads or parents in general, deal with discipline and how to do it right. I thought this was an interesting take:
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As a mother of two tweens, I’ve read all the books about discipline,
but realized they are all forms of one idea: the control and management
of children.
It’s oxymoronic: We also say we want to raise
children who will become autonomous, courageous, compassionate and
deep-thinkers when they become adults. Citizens of a democracy. Leaders
of the world. Yet our discipline in at home and at school still reflect
the Industrial Revolution. A clockwork of control through rewards and
punishments where sitting still and simply doing what you are told might
reap benefits.
Though it may look like impeccable behavior and
good discipline, teaching kids to have their hands folded in their lap
and to be yes-men is dangerous.
We are in the 21st century, an era of new culture wars: innovation,
terrorism, fundamentalism, the rise of the creative class, climate
change, increasing inequality, global citizenship, and disruption in
higher education. Carrots and sticks discipline doesn’t teach
children how to think, engage or interact with these Big Questions or
become morally sophisticated people.
To raise the adults who will negotiate these issues we need a new mindset. I’m reading Alfie Kohn’s book Beyond Discipline. He advocates for community.
Kohn is a professional radical and gadfly, author of The Homework Myth: Why Our Kids Get Too Much Of A Bad Thing, and most recently The Myth Of The Spoiled Child: Challenging the Conventional Wisdom About Children and Parenting.
He
writes that we have to trust each other in our homes, wrestle with what
it means to live and learn together, deal with conflict and practice
the skills of conflict resolution. He argues that ultimately these
experiences are “more meaningful than a list of rules or guidelines.” I
agree with him. My rules — Put Your Laundry In The Basket, for instance —
were only ever met with temporary compliance anyway.I’ve exchanged rules for more time-consuming, open-end, nuanced,
thoughtful conversation about how we want (if we want, and why) to keep
our clothes clean. I’ve “brought the kids in,” as Kohn suggests.
It’s a mess.
It’s also really interesting. My kids for the
first time ever are thinking, arguing, grappling and building effective
systems and I’m doing it with them, not to them.
After years of
being required to do what they are told and being called “good” because
they obeyed me, after not thinking too independently nor advocating too
loudly for their own interests, my kids, 8 and 10, are saying, “Mom? How
can we be good so we get cookies?” And I say, “Cookies? ‘Rewards are
control through seduction,’ Mommy doesn’t do that anymore. Let’s make
cookies together!”
They say, “Are you going to check our
homework?” I say, “Why is homework important? What do you think? Does
everyone agree about homework? What does it mean to have done homework
well? How do you know when you have done so?” They scratch their heads
and consider.
“Do we have to clean our rooms?” they ask, elbow-nudging each other
over Mom’s New Wacky Parenting Plan. Previously, I was a tyrant, a true
dragon, about the cleanliness of their rooms. Then I asked myself “Why?”
The answer “Because I said so,” felt hollow from a the perspective of
someone who wants to emphasize reason, personal initiative
and problem-solving in her children.
So I say, “Great question. Let’s call a family meeting and decide,” and we do, and they decide that they’d like to arrange their toys so that they can see them.
My dictatorship is over.
I
didn’t feel like myself when I acted as the captain, the leader, as
most of the traditional discipline books demanded I be. It always felt
dishonest to present myself to my children as Wise and Powerful:
Punisher Of Bad Behavior With Consequences and Rewarder of Good Behavior
With Praise n’ Cookies. Now I’m free. We are a household of learners.
Just as they are, I’m working on becoming a courageous, independent,
thoughtful and empathetic person. Ready to engage civilly with people
who disagree with me, wrestle intellectually with the things I somewhat
irrationally cling to (that Thanksgiving includes a turkey, for
instance) and to open my mind and heart to the words and thoughts of
my children.
The change in the dynamic of our family is dramatic. It’s happier.
It’s warmer. I’m not Queen Of All I Survey, punishing or rewarding them.
We’re actually listening to each other, practicing the skills they will
need later as adults in life meeting hard issues head-on.
Yes, building
a beloved community takes more time, and yes, it’s messy: there is more
active conflict and conversation and argument, but I’m okay with that.
In fact, I encourage it. It’s impeccable preparation. We want
our children to be citizens of the future.
My dismissal of
traditional discipline has shifted my perspective on what it is to be a
good parent today, raising the good people of tomorrow. It’s far beyond
carrots and sticks.
Elizabeth Bastos is a Baltimore-based writer. You can find her on Twitter and her blog.
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