I thought this was a very interesting advice column from today's Washington Post, written by Carolyn Hax. We all as parents want to help our kids, support our kids, and protect them. But at the same time kids have to learn things for themselves and be able to deal with things themselves. So what principles do we use to navigate this difficult area? Read on:
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Dear Carolyn:
Common advice is that parents should let kids struggle through issues
on their own, thus learning how to manage their friendships, issues,
etc. However, there have been tons of letters from adults who say how
damaged they are because they didn’t feel their parents protected them.
How does one navigate this? Or should parents simply resign themselves to being despised by their progeny?
It’s navigable, but resignation is a solid Plan B.
Letting
kids work things out is for the small(er), one-off problems: arguments
with sibs or friends, a dismissive comment from an adult, difficult
homework, bumps, bruises and blurps from gorging on candy.
Protecting
kids is for the big stuff: bullying by family or friends; a learning
issue that makes homework crushing; verbal abuse from an adult; a buddy
whose unstable or overindulgent household isn’t a safe place for your
kid.
The common denominator is frequency. A child needs to learn
how to handle hurt feelings from this or that social incident, for
example, but can’t be expected to deal alone with the relentless attack
of social aggression. Oopses, step back; oppression, step in.
And hugs in both cases. You don’t have to be cold to encourage resiliency.
You
also don’t have to get it right every time. Sometimes you’re going to
think it’s big when you’re really just overreacting, and sometimes
you’re going to brush it off when it turns out to be something big.
When
that happens, you pull out your best parental move of all: Apologize to
your kid for getting it wrong. Nothing helps a child find the sweet
spot where strength and frailty meet than demonstrating it for them
yourself.
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