ON THE QUESTION OF RELATIONSHIPS

Persons with Moebius Syndrome are like anyone else.  Most of us want to find meaningful relationships; we want to find a "significant other."  But that can be hard when one looks different, sounds different, and has to deal with a society that at times is prejudiced against those with a physical difference.

And then the question always arises--just how does one find a significant other?  How do you go about it?  Of course one needs to "get out there", as the saying goes--but how aggressive should one be?  A Washington Post advice columnist recently dealt with this issue in her column--she wasn't addressing those with a physical difference, per se; she was aiming her words at the general public--but still I think her words have merit.  See what she has to say; and see what you think:

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About actively pursuing relationships vs. letting things happen naturally: You seem like a big advocate for the latter, which I agree is the ideal.

But surely there is a happy medium between desperately seeking someone, anyone and leaving it all up to fate. You smacked down a comparison to job-hunting, which I agree is not a perfect one, but I think the person who suggested it had a point — what’s wrong with actively looking for a partner?

Anonymous

Thanks for reopening the topic.

It’s such a personal thing that waiting and looking and circulating-but-not-mate-shopping can all be just the right thing, depending on the person AND the person’s stage of life.

But actively looking — for anything, not just a partner — always comes with a risk of rationalizing. Anytime you set out to find one specific thing, you’re more apt to grab something acceptable than to keep waiting for something great. For a less charged example, let’s say you’re shopping for a black jacket for work. Or an apartment.

If you have no sense of urgency, then, sure, you can try on 20 black jackets or walk through 20 apartments and you’ll still be able to say, “Nah — nothing’s quite right, I’ll try again next week.” And you’ll be able to repeat that search next weekend and still walk away empty handed if nothing wows you.

But if you show up already fed up to ^ here with your roommates or everything in your closet and you hate shopping and you’re angry your old stuff doesn’t fit, then you’re vulnerable to saying “yes” to something you don’t love.

There’s no such thing as life without risk, we just need to assume risks that make sense with our personalities and histories.

I don’t think anyone is immune to this. I do think — back to the exchange you refer to — that if you’re mindful of this risk, and/or your expectations are modest, then by all means look. Someone who is susceptible to impulsive, need-filling decisions s/he later regrets is not a great candidate for active looking, but someone who is patient and self-aware is.

Active circulating — vs. active looking or passive waiting — might be your elusive happy medium. It’s putting yourself deliberately among new people who share your interests, and treating any new social ties as their own reward. That can solve both the waiting-around and the selling-out problems at once.

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