UNWANTED PARENTING ADVICE
So I know some of you out there are parents of Moebius children or of children with other physical differences.  And sometimes friends, relatives, caregivers you've employed, or--maybe the worst--YOUR OWN parents give you unwanted advice or even directly challenge you on the best way to raise your child.  Sometimes this can hurt.  You feel like you're being attacked, like those close to you don't believe you're doing your best for your child, like the walls are closing in.  Right?  So how do you handle these situations?  Luckily there's a piece out today with some advice for you:
"Getting unwelcome input from people you don't know is annoying. Yet it's somehow even worse to hear it from people who know you well, since their remarks can pack an extra punch.
Lisa of Birmingham, Alabama, learned this the hard way after she asked her in-laws not to let their dogs lick her infant daughter's face. They acted as if the request was "ridiculous," Fry says, adding, "Now, when I visit, they say things to the dogs like 'Don't give kisses to the baby now, Lisa's here.' " And they continue to insist that dogs have sanitary mouths.
Right now, she just ignores their comments. But she admits, "I'm trying to figure out a way in which I can tell them that there are certain things that I believe, and that while they can believe differently, they need to respect what I think and want."
Figuring out what you can ignore and what's nonnegotiable is key. Fortunately for Shannon Rebolledo, the Wichita, Kansas, mom of 3-year-old Raef, her in-laws offer advice only from afar, since they're in South America.
"They wanted me not to breastfeed my son for the first week of his life because I'd had gestational diabetes. They said I'd give it to him, something I knew was medically incorrect," she says. Her response? "I just said, 'Okay.' " Then she went ahead and nursed her baby.

Since they're so often the victims of unwanted advice themselves, you'd expect other moms to think carefully before they speak. But sometimes they can be the worst offenders -- maybe because they have so many of their own experiences to base their opinions on.
When my friend Alice had her daughter five years ago, strangers would occasionally comment on how the tip of infant's tongue often protruded from her mouth. "I didn't think it was a big deal," says Smith, but because other people kept mentioning it, she shared her concerns with her friend.
Rather than reassuring her that Jenny was fine, the friend "went on and on about how her sister had the same problem as a child and had speech problems and eating issues, and ended up needing reconstructive surgery on her mouth!"
Jenny's tongue eventually retreated into her mouth without any intervention at all. It took years for Alice to come to understand why the friend (who has given her less than supportive advice on a few other occasions) had upset her so much.
"I finally realized that she has the best intentions and is only trying to share information that she has found useful," she says. "She just doesn't stop to think that what happened in one case, or what worked for one person, doesn't necessarily apply to me."
Kate Cook, a Palo Alto, California, mother of three, had a similar problem with her friend whose older son suffered from several health problems. "She would just give me so much advice based on what happened to her and her son that it would send me into a tailspin," Cook says. "I've come to see that this is just her deal -- not mine. My kids aren't the same as hers."
Another strategy: Depending on the relationship you have with your friend, be honest.
Tell her you're sharing your worries because you want a sympathetic ear, not necessarily advice, and certainly not criticism. Chances are she'll respect your wishes.

There's a fine line between being super helpful and super annoying, and even the best sitter or daycare provide may not be aware when she's crossing it and butting in.
Parenting contributing editor Denene Millner, an Atlanta mom of two and stepmom of one, remembers the time her nanny was concerned about her daughters' colds and wanted Millner to rub a mentholatum ointment on their chests before bed. "When I didn't, she acted like I was trying to make them suffer," she says.
Millner didn't want to fire her nanny for caring too much, or lose her in anger. So she did what any good manager would: She delegated, asking her husband to talk to their nanny about it instead.
"It preserves the equality in my relationship with our nanny by letting my husband be the boss and deal with the misunderstandings that arise," she says. "It also keeps the relationship between her and me healthy while still letting me blow off steam through a third party."
Of course, if you don't have a person ready to play the bad-cop role in your household, you'll have to address your concerns with your caregiver directly, which can feel uncomfortable to consider but empowering to actually do.
I've done it myself, and it was in just these situations that I found my voice, and perhaps even my identity, as a mom. This is, in fact, the good-news part of handling unwanted parenting advice. Deal with it and you may just see your confidence grow."

And remember this--in the end, YOU are the parent, and you have the final say.


"Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing
flawlessly." -Robert Schuller