MORE ON BULLYING:  HOW DO WE STOP "CYBER-BULLYING"?
And rest assured, you moms and dads with Moebius children:  this too could affect your child.  Technology and social media are here to stay, there can be no question.  ALL children are going to be connected to it in years to come.  And bullying can come from that direction, then, too.  But you can be aware of it and there are things you can do.  Read on:

"Brandon Turley didn't have friends in sixth grade. He would often eat alone at lunch, having recently switched to his school without knowing anyone.

While browsing MySpace one day, he saw that someone from school had posted a bulletin -- a message visible to multiple people -- declaring that Turley was a "fag." Students he had never even spoken with wrote on it, too, saying they agreed.

Feeling confused and upset, Turley wrote in the comments, too, asking why his classmates would say that. The response was even worse: He was told on MySpace that a group of 12 kids wanted to beat him up, that he should stop going to school and die. On his walk from his locker to the school office to report what was happening, students yelled things like "fag" and "fatty."

"It was just crazy, and such a shock to my self-esteem that people didn't like me without even knowing me," said Turley, now 18 and a senior in high school in Oregon. "I didn't understand how that could be."

A pervasive problem

As many as 25% of teenagers have experienced cyberbullying at some point, said Justin W. Patchin, who studies the phenomenon at the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire. He and colleagues have conducted formal surveys of 15,000 middle and high school students throughout the United States, and found that about 10% of teens have been victims of cyberbullying in the last 30 days.

Online bullying has a lot in common with bullying in school: Both behaviors include harassment, humiliation, teasing and aggression, Patchin said. Cyberbullying presents unique challenges in the sense that the perpetrator can attempt to be anonymous, and attacks can happen at any time of day or night.

Brandon Turley, 18, who experienced cyberbullying in middle school, designed the WeStopHate.org website.

There's still more bullying that happens at school than online, however, Patchin said. And among young people, it's rare that an online bully will be a total stranger.

"In our research, about 85% of the time, the target knows who the bully is, and it's usually somebody from their social circle," Patchin said.

Patchin's research has also found that, while cyberbullying is in some sense easier to perpetrate, the kids who bully online also tend to bully at school.

"Technology isn't necessarily creating a whole new class of bullies," he said.

Long-lasting consequences

The conversations that need to be happening around cyberbullying extend beyond schools, said Thomas J. Holt, associate professor of criminal justice at Michigan State University.

"How do we extend or find a way to develop policies that have a true impact on the way that kids are communicating with one another, given that you could be bullied at home, from 4 p.m. until the next morning, what kind of impact is that going to have on the child in terms of their development and mental health?" he said.

Holt recently published a study in the International Criminal Justice Review using data collected in Singapore by his colleague Esther Ng. The researchers found that 27% of students who experienced bullying online, and 28% who were victims of bullying by phone text messaging, thought about skipping school or skipped it. That's compared to 22% who experienced physical bullying.

Those who said they were cyberbullied were also most likely to say they had considered suicide -- 28%, compared to 22% who were physically bullied and 26% who received bullying text messages.

Although there may be cultural differences between students in Singapore and the United States, the data on the subject of bullying seems to be similar between the two countries, Holt said.

A recent study in the journal JAMA Psychiatry suggests that both victims and perpetrators of bullying can feel long-lasting psychological effects. Bullying victims showed greater likelihood of agoraphobia, where people don't feel safe in public places, along with generalized anxiety and panic disorder.

Tips for parents

1. Be a good example -- kids often learn bullying behavior from their parents.

2. Teach your child what it means to be a good friend.

3. Make your home a safe haven for kids after school.

4. Use teachable moments on TV to show the power of bystanders.

5. Listen. Don't be in denial about incidents that are brought to your attention.

People who were both victims and bullies were at higher risk for young adult depression, panic disorder, agoraphobia among females, and the likelihood of suicide among males. Those who were only bullies showed a risk of antisocial personality disorder.

Reporting cyberbullying

Since everything we do online has a digital footprint, it is possible to trace anonymous sources of bullying on the Internet, he said. Patchin noted that tangible evidence of cyberbullying may be more clear-cut than "your word against mine" situations of traditional bullying.

Patchin advises that kids who are being cyberbullied keep the evidence, whether it's an e-mail or Facebook post, so that they can show it to adults they trust. Historically, there have been some issues with schools not disciplining if bullying didn't strictly happen at school, but today, most educators realize that they have the responsibility and authority to intervene, Patchin said.

Adults can experience cyberbullying also, although there's less of a structure in place to stop it. Their recourse is basically to hire a lawyer and proceed through the courts, Patchin said.

Even in school, though, solutions are not always clear.

Turley's mother called the school on his behalf, but the students involved only got a talking-to as punishment. Cyberbullying wasn't considered school-related behavior, at least at that time, he said.

"I was just so afraid of people," says Turley, explaining why he went to different middle schools each year in sixth, seventh and eighth grade. He stayed quiet through most of it, barely speaking to other students.

Fighting back by speaking out

Turley started slowly merging back into "peopleness" in eighth grade when he started putting video diaries on YouTube. Soon, other students were asking him to help them film school project videos, track meets and other video projects.

In high school, Turley discovered an organization called WeStopHate.org, a nonprofit organization devoted to helping people who have been bullied and allow them a safe space to share their stories.

Emily-Anne Rigal, the founder of the organization, experienced bullying in elementary school, getting picked on for her weight. Although she and Turley lived on opposite sides of the country, they became friends online, united by their passion for stopping bullying.

WeStopHate.org has achieved a wide reach. Rigal has received all sorts of honors for her efforts, from the Presidential Volunteer Service Award to a TeenNick HALO Award presented by Lady Gaga.

Turley designed the WeStopHate.org website and most of its graphics, and is actively involved in the organization. In additional to Rigal, he has many other friends in different states whom he's met over the Internet.

"I got cyberbullied, and I feel like, with that, it made me think, like, well, there has to be somebody on the Internet who doesn't hate me," he said. "That kind of just made me search more."

Parental controls

Ashley Berry, 13, of Littleton, Colorado, has also experienced unpleasantness with peers online. When she was 11, a classmate of hers took photos of Ashley and created an entire Facebook page about her, but denied doing it when Ashley confronted the student whom she suspected.

"It had things like where I went to school, and where my family was from and my birthday, and there were no security settings at all, so it was pretty scary," she said.

The page itself didn't do any harm or say mean things, Ashley said. But her mother, Anna Berry, was concerned about the breach of privacy, and viewed it in the context of what else was happening to her daughter in school: Friends were uninviting her to birthday parties and leaving her at the lunch table.

"You would see a girl who should be on top of the world coming home and just closing herself into her bedroom," Berry said.

A classmate of Ashley Berry took photos of her and created an entire fake Facebook page.

Berry had to get police involved to have the Facebook page taken down. For seventh grade, her current year, Ashley entered a different middle school than the one her previous school naturally fed into. She says she's a lot happier now, and does media interviews speaking out against bullying.

These days, Berry has strict rules for her daughter's online behavior. She knows Ashley's passwords, and she's connected with her daughter on every social network that the teen has joined (except Instagram, but Ashley has an aunt there). Ashley won't accept "friend" requests from anyone she doesn't know.

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You can read the rest of this story right here.0

"5. To fight fear, act. To increase fear…wait, put off, postpone." -David J. Schwartz

 

ANOTHER WAY TO DEAL WITH BULLYING?
Many persons with Moebius Syndrome have experienced bullying--usually when they were younger, but it even can happen later in life.  Unfortunately looking "different", in the eyes of some, gives them the green light to engage in poor behavior towards them.  So what can you do about it?  Maybe one way is to give the bully the "silent" treatment.  What do you think?  Read on:
"Giving someone the silent treatment may not always be such a bad thing. It may actually be a good way to deal with someone who is acting like a jerk, a new study finds.
The research reveals there are benefits to cutting off conversation with a person who is being obnoxious: It's not as draining on your mental resources, you avoid conflict with someone offensive, and it's much simpler than getting into a heated discussion.
That's because the silent treatment can speak volumes, even when someone is not saying a word or limiting their conversation to short or one-syllable responses.
From a psychological standpoint, this brush-off technique is largely viewed in a negative light. It's considered a manipulative way to communicate dissatisfaction and a passive form of rejection.
But this new research has identified at least some situations when silence might  be golden: When people are strongly motivated to avoid social interaction with an undesirable person, giving the silent treatment may be as easy -- if not easier -- than a conversation.
The silent treatment is not always motivated by an intent to harm another person or punish their behavior, said study author Kristin Sommer, Ph.D, an associate professor of psychology at Baruch College, City University of New York. "It may be used as a way to offset feelings of fatigue or depletion associated with the expectation of an unpleasant interaction," she explained.
For this new study, published online in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, the researchers ran two different experiments involving 118 college students. In each study, they asked participants to either talk with or ignore another individual, who was in on the experiment and told to act in a highly likeable -- meaning polite, relaxed, and friendly -- or a highly unlikeable manner -- someone rude, prejudicial, and arrogant.
After four minutes with the "nice guy" or "jerk," study participants had to complete a task that involved thought and self-control.
Researchers found that participants who  ignored an unlikable person or talked with someone likable did better on the task than those who were forced to converse with a jerk or snub a nice guy. Rebuffing a likable person and exchanging pleasantries with someone obnoxious both took a toll. It left participants feeling depleted and their performance suffered as a result.
"Our findings suggest that the silent treatment may be used as a strategy for conserving mental resources that would otherwise be exhausted by interacting with someone who is inherently aversive to be around," said Sommer.
These findings do not mean that you can now feel justified every time you give a cold shoulder to a spouse, family member, or best friend. The study only looked into its use as a short-term snub in a non-close relationship.
There is a greater potential for risks when using the silent treatment in close relationships.
"The use of the silent treatment may have save energy-saving benefits," Sommer explained, "but these benefits may come at a long-term cost to a relationship."

"3. Obstacles are like wild animals. They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can. If they see you are afraid of them… they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight." -Orison Swett Marden

INSPIRATIONAL STORY OF THE DAY
Having Moebius Syndrome is often about overcoming obstacles.  For those of you who have it, I hardly need go through what all those obstacles are.  But the great thing is that obstacles can be overcome--and hey, many people, even people who have been truly blessed in many ways, have had to overcome difficult things.  Their stories can inspire us.  Take for example the story of the skier Lindsay Vonn--read on:

"Only two weeks after major knee surgery following a devastating crash, Lindsey Vonn is vowing to be ready for the 2014 Winter Olympics next February.
“I struggled definitely the first few days after the injury,’’ Vonn told Matt Lauer on TODAY Monday in her first interview since the crash, during the Alpine skiing world championships, on Feb. 5. “Right now my goal is to be back for 2014 in Sochi.
"Honestly, in a worst-case scenario, if I trained a week before the Games, I’d be fine,’’ she said.
Vonn, who has won an American-record four overall World Cup Championships and also won the gold medal in the downhill at the 2010 Winter Olympics, tore the anterior cruciate ligament and medial collateral ligament in her right knee and fractured her tibia. She was airlifted to a nearby hospital following the harrowing crash in Schlamding, Austria.
“I just went off the jump, flew too far, and landed in a pile of snow that hadn’t been cleared away,’’ she said. “It essentially stopped my feet on impact, and my knee just completely buckled.’’
In video footage of the crash, Vonn can be heard letting out a shriek after she hits the ground in serious pain. Vonn estimated she was skiing 70 to 80 miles per hour when she crashed.
“I initially thought it was going to be worse,’’ Vonn said. “There was just so much pain that I couldn’t quite tell where exactly it was coming from.’’
As Vonn was airlifted to the hospital, she considered the effects of her injury.
“I knew what was wrong with me within five minutes of getting there, so everything happened pretty quick,’’ she said. “I didn’t think it was going to be the end of my career.’’
Vonn’s crash came nearly two months after she publicly revealed her struggles with depression. Vonn filed for divorce in 2011 from her husband and ski coach, Thomas Vonn, and decided to talk about her condition in the aftermath.
“I felt like after my divorce that was something I needed to get off my chest,’’ she said. “I felt like I needed to tell people about it to move forward. I hope that at least one good thing about me talking about it is that other people don’t feel ashamed to talk about it.’’
Recent headlines have linked Vonn romantically with golfer Tiger Woods. She declined comment about it to Lauer, saying she would like to keep her personal life private.
Vonn has stayed positive since the injury, joking about her fancy crutches and tweeting pictures of her beat-up knee with the hashtag #longskirtsthissummer. She is currently rehabbing with two one-hour sessions per day. Falls and injuries are part of the job as far as she’s concerned, and she will have no fear of returning to the slopes.
“I know I can,’’ she said. “That’s just who I am.’’
Vonn’s four overall World Cup titles trail only Austrian Annemarie Moser-Proll, who won six overall, including five in a row in the 1970s. The American star is aware of the physical toll her injuries could take down the line, and how it could affect her health at age 50, but she is pursuing history.
“I feel like I have a lot more left to do,’’ Vonn said. "I have plenty of time to be ready for Sochi."

"Obstacles can’t stop you. Problems can’t stop you. Most of all, other people can’t stop you. Only you can stop you.". -Jeffrey Gitomer

I-JUST-THOUGHT-THIS-WAS-INTERESTING-HEALTH NEWS DEPT
We all want to eat healthy; we don't want to over-eat and/or gain too much weight.  But of course this can lead to a problem (though we probably don't think of it too often)--this can lead to too many boring meals...and interestingly, studies show this can mess with your sleep!  And I know there are those of you out there with Moebius who sometimes have trouble sleeping (heck, there are plenty of people WITHOUT ti who have trouble sleeping).  Could this kind of thing be affecting your sleep without you knowing it?  Read on:
"If you're trying to maintain a healthy diet while managing the circus that is your life, then it's typical for those three squares a day to get pretty repetitive: Oatmeal for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch, a stir-fry for dinner...wake up, and repeat. But even if your daily intake seems nutritious, those monotonous meals might have a surprising downside--messing with your sleep.

In a fascinating new study from the Perelman School of Medicine at the University of Pennsylvania, researchers set out to investigate whether nutrient variety might be linked to sleep length. To do it, they examined data on several thousand Americans, culled from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. By comparing each individual's daily dietary intake with his or her sleep patterns, researchers were able to parse out a specific relationship between food variety and quality of rest.
"We didn't know much going into this study," says lead study author Michael Grandner, PhD, a member of the Center for Sleep and Circadian Neurobiology at UPenn. "People have talked about the relationship between diet and sleep for ages, but there's very little data on these connections."

Grandner and his colleagues determined that individuals who ate the widest array of nutrients also had the healthiest sleep patterns, logging between seven and eight hours of rest each night. Individuals who slept the least tended to be short on protein and carbohydrates, along with nutrients like iron, zinc, and selenium, they found. And in a conclusion that reinforces previous studies, the team noted that short sleepers also tended to consume the most calories (experts suspect that sleep-deprived people suffer from hormonal imbalances that augment hunger and food cravings).
"Sleep and diet are more similar than you'd think," Grandner explains. "They both touch every system in the body, and the body depends on both of them to keep working. That they interact isn't surprising--but how they interact might be."

Despite the study's intriguing findings, the interplay between sleep and diet remains somewhat mysterious--good sleep habits might prime us to consume more nutritious foods, or some nutrients in a balanced diet might be crucial for helping us fall (and stay) asleep. Earlier research, after all, has suggested that a lack of iron, calcium, and magnesium, among other nutrients, can impair sleep quality.
Given what experts currently know, Grandner says, your best bet for solid sleep is to keep your diet relatively clean and varied to a reasonable extent (maybe swap out that pb&j a few days a week, for instance). "One thing we can pretty reliably say is that you don't have to do anything drastic," he notes. "It's simple: A healthy diet helps your body work better, and as a result, sleep better too."

"A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds."--Sir Francis Bacon

SPORTS AND LIFE:  SPRING, A NEW BEGINNING

You know, one of the things I love about sports is that...sometimes it's not just about sports, and games, and who won or lost last night.  It can be about hopes and dreams, or about hopes dashed and dreams not quite realized.  So it can be for example with baseball and spring training--and that's what this article is about; it's just something I found interesting, and I think you will too, whether you're a sports/baseball fan or not:

"I will be 72 on April 22, and still, after 54 years, the most important date every year is not April 22, or Jan. 1, but that day in February when pitchers and catchers report to spring training. Ever since I was 18, spring training has always meant for me a fresh start, another chance to pull up that little plastic sheet that wipes the slate clean, all those losses instantly vanished, replaced by a blank slate and the possibility of nothing but victories this year. So every February I escaped the cold, barren New England winter and headed south toward the sun by plane, train or automobile.

Spring training was a Baden-Baden for the body and soul. It had curative powers for whatever ailed you – sore arm, bad marriage, ungrateful children, the death of a parent, financial collapse, ennui. It was like one of those Caribbean cruises, a Ship of Fools for ballplayers, fans, and sportswriters.

It meant an escape for me, a newfound freedom, new experiences

But it was all a fantasy, an illusion. Spring training afforded no miraculous Lourdes-like cures: dead arms suddenly throwing heat, slow bats regaining their quickness, lost steps morphing into youthful speed, a dead marriage resuscitated, ungrateful children suddenly loving, a financial windfall out of the blue. Its hope was always false, but still, for 54 years, the first three as a pitcher in the Milwaukee Braves’ organization, and the last 51 as a sportswriter, I still returned to spring training each year, more out of habit than expectation, for as I grew older I no longer believed in miracles. Spring training for me became just a pleasant two weeks in the sun, or maybe not so pleasant as I chased some obnoxious multi-millionaire baseball player across practice fields, waving my notebook, shouting, "JUST ONE MORE QUESTION!" until I caught him, or at my age, didn’t.

But as a young pitcher from 1960 to 1962, spring training had a profound effect on my life. It meant an escape for me, a newfound freedom, new experiences, and before me, like a cornucopia, the infinite possibilities of an adult life."

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You can read the rest of this piece here.  Happy reading!

THE LONG-TERM EFFECTS OF BULLYING...

...can be felt well into adulthood.  Read more about it below--there's a new study.  I think the larger take-away from this is simple:  bullying is simply not "no big deal"; it's not a harmless facet of childhood and one's teen years which "all kids go through"; it's not something that, if you ignore it, it just goes away.  Here's more:
"Victims of bullying at school, and bullies themselves, are more likely to experience psychiatric problems in childhood, studies have shown. Now researchers have found that elevated risk of psychiatric trouble extends into adulthood, sometimes even a decade after the intimidation has ended.
The new study, published in the journal JAMA Psychiatry on Wednesday, is the most comprehensive effort to date to establish the long-term consequences of childhood bullying, experts said.
“It documents the elevated risk across a wide range of mental health outcomes and over a long period of time,” said Catherine Bradshaw, an expert on bullying and a deputy director of the Center for the Prevention of Youth Violence at Johns Hopkins University, which was not involved in the study.
“The experience of bullying in childhood can have profound effects on mental health in adulthood, particularly among youths involved in bullying as both a perpetuator and a victim,” she added.
The study followed 1,420 subjects from Western North Carolina who were assessed four to six times between the ages of 9 and 16. Researchers asked both the children and their primary caregivers if they had been bullied or had bullied others in the three months before each assessment. Participants were divided into four groups: bullies, victims, bullies who also were victims, and children who were not exposed to bullying at all.
Participants were assessed again in young adulthood — at 19, 21 and between 24 and 26 — using structured diagnostic interviews.
Researchers found that victims of bullying in childhood were 4.3 times more likely to have an anxiety disorder as adults, compared to those with no history of bullying or being bullied.
Bullies who were also victims were particularly troubled: they were 14.5 times more likely to develop panic disorder as adults, compared to those who did not experience bullying, and 4.8 times more likely to experience depression. Men who were both bullies and victims were 18.5 times more likely to have had suicidal thoughts in adulthood, compared to the participants who had not been bullied or perpetuators. Their female counterparts were 26.7 times more likely to have developed agoraphobia, compared to children not exposed to bullying.
Bullies who were not victims of bullying were 4.1 times more likely to have antisocial personality disorder as adults than those never exposed to bullying in their youth.
The effects persisted even after the researchers accounted for pre-existing psychiatric problems or other factors that might have contributed to psychiatric disorders, like physical or sexual abuse, poverty and family instability.
“We were actually able to say being a victim of bullying is having an effect a decade later, above and beyond other psychiatric problems in childhood and other adversities,” said William E. Copeland, lead author of the study and an associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University Medical Center.
Bullying is not a harmless rite of passage, but inflicts lasting psychiatric damage on a par with certain family dysfunctions, Dr. Copeland said. “The pattern we are seeing is similar to patterns we see when a child is abused or maltreated or treated very harshly within the family setting,” he said.
One limitation of the study is that bullying was not analyzed for frequency, and the researchers’ assessment did not distinguish between interpersonal and overt bullying. It only addressed bullying at school, not in other settings.
Most of what experts know about the effects of bullying comes from observational studies, not studies of children followed over time.
Previous research from Finland, based on questionnaires completed on a single occasion or on military registries, used a sample of 2,540 boys to see if being a bully or a victim at 8 predicted a psychiatric disorder 10 to 15 years later. The researchers found frequent bully-victims were at particular risk of adverse long-term outcomes, specifically anxiety and antisocial personality disorders. Victims were at greater risk for anxiety disorders, while bullies were at increased risk for antisocial personality disorder."

"We are not here merely to make a living.  We are here to enrich the world with a finer spirit of hope and achievement--and we impoverish ourselves if we forget the errand."--Woodrow Wilson

LIVING LIFE:  LIFE SKILLS YOUR MOTHER NEVER TAUGHT YOU
I just thought these were interesting.  Naturally I think all these are very valuable for persons with Moebius Syndrome.  But they are excellent reads, when all is said and done, for everybody:
"She had most of it covered. (Take your vitamins, get plenty of rest, don't stick that butter knife in the toaster.) But for life's bigger complexities and perplexities, sometimes even the World's Greatest needs an assist from the professionals.

How to make the best decision
When you get right down to it, life is a string of choices: City or suburbs? Debit or credit? Chicken or fish? It's tantalizing to think that there's one, and only one, correct branch of every decision tree and that it's just waiting to be uncovered by a sufficient amount of rational analysis.

"We feel an obligation to use all our intellectual tools to find the absolute ideal option," says Barry Schwartz, a professor of psychology at Swarthmore College, in Swarthmore, Pennsylvania, and the author of "The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less." "But that's a fool's errand."

The more we agonize over a decision, the more paralyzed we become, Schwartz explains, and the greater our potential for unhappiness later. Pros and cons are not always of equal weight, so instead of making a 10-foot, two-column list, he advises, sit down and ask your gut first. There may be 244 reasons not to go back to school, but how do they stack up against one pro like "If I don't, I'll always regret it"?

Stay in touch!

Don't miss out on the conversation we're having at CNN Living. "Like" us on Facebook and have your say! Get the latest stories and tell us what's influencing your life.

After you've discovered what's really in your heart of hearts, take the pressure off by lowering your expectations, then do your best not to look back. "Revisiting decisions after you've made them is not a good idea," says Schwartz. "If you do, you'll find a lot to be dissatisfied with. There's no blueprint for infallibility. Success is getting it wrong as infrequently as possible."

How to fight fair
"The way a conflict discussion begins determines how it's going to end 96 percent of the time," says John Gottman, Ph.D., a cofounder of the Gottman Institute, in Seattle, which studies marriage and relationships. He can speak with such mathematical accuracy because for 30 years he has observed more than 3,000 couples in a laboratory setting while monitoring their heart rates and other physical signs of stress.

Two people can fight fairly often, Gottman says, and still have a healthy relationship. It's not about the number of bouts but the techniques used in the ring. He claims that contempt is the best predictor of divorce, so take note if your signature move is dismissive eye-rolling.

Other below-the-belt strategies include personal attacks and the silent treatment. Starting a conversation gently is the key to ending it well, he says. Harriet Lerner, a psychologist in Lawrence, Kansas, and the author of Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up, says to remind yourself to stop talking: "If only people could listen with the same passion they feel about being heard."

Finally, if you find yourself in the physiological frenzy that Gottman calls "flooding"—racing heart, sweaty palms—stop the argument, even when every cell is screaming, "Annihilate!" Stress hormones inhibit higher cognitive functions, like impulse control and attention. "When we feel threatened, we can't take in new information," he says. "In the lab and in therapy sessions, when people take a break, go back to their baseline heart rate, and start the conversation again, it's like they've had a brain transplant."

How to take a compliment
There are three probable reasons that we deflect a comment about our lovely singing voice or how nicely we're raising our children. First, simply acknowledging it is "like inviting bad luck," says Gottman. "My relatives would spit three times—pfft, pfft, pfft—whenever they said something positive, lest they summon the evil eye." Second, says Christopher Germer, a clinical psychology instructor at Harvard Medical School and the author of "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion," there's a cultural prescription to be humble (or at least there was before the dawn of social media and reality TV), "and when we get a compliment, we fear there's a momentary lapse of humility."

Finally, Germer adds, it's a form of protection: "We all just want to be loved and valued, but we walk around holding our breath about the ways in which we aren't." When people say something nice to us—when they say they love us, in one form or another, even if it's about our hair or our boots—we may realize how much we crave appreciation. And that makes us feel vulnerable, so we push away the compliment. There's no easy way to subvert the forces of fate, culture, upbringing, and our deepest fears, but try this: The next time a person pays you a compliment, just smile and say, "Thank you." Nothing more. Do it again and again. A hundred repetitions later, you'll start to feel less awkward. Even, maybe, deserving. (Pfft, pfft, pfft.)

How to get a fair salary
First, stop thinking of negotiation as an embarrassing ordeal. "You may have spent a year in the job market. You may spend many more years working hard at this new job for an annual raise of 3 percent—if you're lucky," says Jim Hopkinson, the author of "Salary Tutor: Learn the Salary Negotiation Secrets No One Ever Taught You." "This two-minute conversation is your single best chance to get what you're worth."

Prepare in advance by talking to mentors and friends. And use salary-comparison sites, such as PayScale.com, Salary.com, and Glassdoor.com, to determine the average compensation for someone with your background.

The person who says a number first is at a disadvantage, so when a potential employer asks you about money, gracefully dodge the question. Jessica Miller, a coauthor of "A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating," offers this script: "If I'm the right person for the job and the job is right for me, I'm sure we can work out something that's fair. What do you have budgeted for the position?" Saying this is not as tough as it might sound. "They're not looking for someone whose primary interest in the job is money," says Miller, "so make the discussion about fit and getting to a number that works for everyone."

If the other party presses, you don't have to give an exact number, says Miller: "Talk about the entire package—including salary, potential bonuses, stock, and benefits—and give an approximate value." Again, you should say something like "My total compensation is in the high five figures, but every company has a different mix, so tell me how you see the compensation for this position being structured."

If you're caught off guard and blurt out, "I make X amount," all is not lost—as long as you have a few irons in the fire. "Focus on discus¬sions that you're having with other companies and what they're offering," says Miller. "You don't necessarily need another solid offer. You can tell them that you're in talks about another opportunity and the salary being discussed is Y dollars."

When you get an offer, resist the urge to yell, "I'll take it!" Graciously say, "Thank you so much. May I get back to you tomorrow?"

How to spot a narcissist
The "narcissistic personality"—a legend-in-his-own-mind type who assumes that other people exist merely to admire him—is notoriously difficult to tag in the wild. That's because at first you're having too much fun with him, romantic or friendly, to notice the signs. Only later will you register the considerable emotional drain of being in his company.

Here are some indicators that you may have a narcissist on your hands. Is he social, charming, and, well, kind of materialistic? Is he rude to waiters? Does he have grandiose plans? Do his eyes glaze over when you try to talk about yourself, and does he steer the conversation back to his favorite subject? (You: "I broke my leg." Him: "Oh, I broke my leg once when I was skiing the triple black diamond in Vail. You have to see me ski. Everybody said I should go pro.") Does he blame others when things go wrong?

"A narcissistic person can be really likable and exciting at the beginning," says W. Keith Campbell, the head of the department of psychology at the University of Georgia, in Athens, and a coauthor of "The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement." "The problem is that he lacks empathy." So rather than considering your needs, ever, the narcissist believes that his time and energy are best spent on activities befitting the planet's most exceptional person (that would be him). This selfishness is wearing, and you are soon tapped dry from constantly reinforcing the charmer's high opinion of himself.

If your narcissist is a potential romantic partner, you should probably run, says Campbell, no matter how thrilling the ride. "It's like eating a bunch of chocolate cake," he says. "It feels really good at first, but later you're sick."

If your narcissist is a friend and you want to maintain the relationship, it's up to you to understand her limitations. "Accept that she's a lot of fun to have a drink with, and enjoy her on that level," says Campbell. "But don't hope for anything further."

How to spend time alone
There is privately alone, and then there is publicly alone. To be privately alone can be difficult, because wherever we go, there we are, yammering away at ourselves. "Unless a person has a lot of psychological tools at her disposal, the mind is not a pleasant place to inhabit," says Germer. "We have evolved for survival, not happiness, and thus we have a natural tendency to focus on the negative." When the brain is at rest, he adds, it tends to get busy revealing problems from the past and anticipating problems to come. Once we scanned for predators and poisons; now we fret over the unemployment stats and what our mother-in-law had the nerve to say at dinner.

Germer recommends mindfulness, a practice that sounds esoteric but simply means focusing on what's around you instead of the chatter in your head. When we pay attention to our senses, he says, we can appreciate the color, the texture, and the fragrance of a velvety red rose without thinking, Roses. Valentine's Day. Why doesn't anyone send me flowers? Because I'm fundamentally unlovable, that's why!

Being publicly alone can require a certain amount of bravery, as you know if you've ever sat solo in a restaurant and felt floodlit by the pity of fellow diners. (Hey, Miss Lonelyhearts!) However, says Sylvia Boorstein, a psychotherapist and meditation teacher in Marin County, California, and the author of "Happiness Is an Inside Job," "if you feel awkward, that's because you're telling yourself a story about what other people think. Ask yourself, 'Is everyone really so remarkably tied up in me?' Instead of worrying about other people noticing you, try noticing them." Do they seem content? Worried? Bored? Make up another story.

How to aim high
We're less afraid of living big than we are of failing big. "Our culture has increasingly adopted a zero-tolerance policy for error," says Schwartz. "But the way you develop good judgment is by using it." And by recalibrating your relationship with failure. For decades, psychologist Carol Dweck of Stanford University has conducted studies on theories about achievement and success and believes that most of us have either a "learning orientation" or a "performance orientation." Those oriented toward learning see mistakes as challenges: If you swing and miss, you get up again and swing harder the next time. To those with a performance orientation, it's more important to get things right than to advance to a new level: Swing, miss, drop the bat, and go back to doing something that you're already good at.

If you're performance-oriented, remind yourself that the most lasting and rewarding kind of competence is the kind that you earn. Remember a time when you were completely green: the first day of your first job or the first time that you held a baby. Were you scared? Would you go on to fail sometimes? Are you better now than you ever could have imagined at that fresh, raw moment? Yes, yes, and yes.

How to take criticism
"When we hear criticism, our sense of self gets hijacked," says Germer. "Let yourself say, 'Ouch! That hurt.' " Resist the urge to rush in with rationalizations ("It's not my fault! You hate me!") or self-recrimination ("It's all my fault! I hate me!"). If you need some time to get your head together, ask for it, advises Boorstein. Say, "I'm caught off guard a little, but I want to take this in, so let me think a minute before we keep talking."

Criticism can hit like a punch, and you may experience a physical reaction. Is your chest tight? Is there a lump in your throat? Are you woozy? Germer says to note where you're feeling stress. Awareness helps you relax those spots, which in turn calms your mind. "Anytime we locate an emotional state in our body," he says, "it becomes more manageable than when it's in our heads—where we can wind up having a five-hour conversation with ourselves about the criticism."

The next step, when you're somewhat calmer, is to consider what is being said. Often (as we know from after-school specials) it's something that we need to hear. "Be nice to yourself," says Germer. "But I'm not talking about propping yourself up by saying, 'Oh, I got a bad performance review because the boss has it in for me, and the whole process is bogus anyway.' " That cheats you out of the chance to learn something.

Real self-compassion, Germer adds, is acknowledging that you can be less than perfect at some things without being a total failure: "Then you can take in what the other person is saying and also have the internal support to carry on."

How to walk away
We hate to quit. Not just because supposedly quitters never win, but because of a cognitive distortion that psychologists and economists call the "sunk cost fallacy." Say you're sitting on the couch watching a show and it stinks. You'll probably change the channel. Now say you're at a movie theater and you've paid 10 bucks. Will you walk out? It's less likely, because you have sunk $10 into the experience and will never get the money back. "But which future life will be better?" says Schwartz. "The one in which you sit through the awful movie or the one in which you leave?" And yet you have a nagging feeling that you must somehow recoup your investment, however meagerly.

Schwartz evokes the wisdom of Kenny Rogers: " 'You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.' " Think of quitting as an investment in your future, happier self—that is, the you who is free of the frustrating job, the lousy relationship, the school committee that is draining your will to go on.

There's a good chance that someone will be unhappy with your decision, so get comfortable with being uncomfortable—for a while, anyway. "The reality is that in walking away we may have to sit with a range of unpleasant feelings, including anxiety and guilt," says Lerner. "So when you make an important decision like leaving, take the time to think it through, then be prepared for the difficult emotions that invariably come with change."

How to bounce back from a crisis
We all know we need friends and family when we're in trouble. But true support means more than just a reliable pair of arms to run to. It may be most beneficial to tap different kinds of friends at different stages of a crisis, Lerner says, so take a moment to think about your network, even when strategy feels like the last thing you can manage. When you're reeling with the initial pain, she advises, "talk to someone who believes in your future and can listen to you without needing to 'fix it.' " At the problem-solving stage, turn to the organized, analytical person who can help you break the solution into bite-size pieces. And if time has passed and you suspect you've begun wallowing in a private Pit of Doom, call the tough-love friend who will tell you to get over it.

Finally, "don't feel bad about feeling bad," says Boorstein. "I had a friend who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and she thought, Maybe I would be meeting this situation with more equanimity if only I had meditated more. I told her, 'You should feel bad. You're dying.' " We cause ourselves more suffering, she adds, when we tell ourselves that things shouldn't be happening. "The truth is, there are wonderful things that happen in this life, and there are really sorrowful things," she says. "Life is like that. You win a few, you lose a few. You can't cry over spilled milk."

Actually, your mother did tell you that."

"You cannot save people.  You can only love them."--Anais Nin.

FOR MOEBIUS PARENTS:  BE INVOLVED...BUT NO "HELICOPTERING"

So you're a parent of a child who has Moebius Syndrome.  Well, naturally, throughout that child's young life, you're going to be involved.  One wants to help his child.  You want to be there for him or her.  You want to help get them through the inevitable obstacles that you know will come their way, given the nature of Moebius and given the nature of our society.

BUT--studies show that once a child is older, is college-aged or thereabouts, it can be a bad thing for parents to be over-involved.  And I am convinced this is true for those young folks with Moebius Syndrome as well.  Once they get to be 18 and beyond, they need to fly on their own.  They need to grow.  They need to develop.  They need to do their own thing, and you need to try to encourage that.  That's why this article I found today doesn't surprise me a bit, and I am convinced it undoubtedly applies to Moebius young people, too.  Here, read on and see what I mean:
"LONDON — Parents who run their university-aged children’s schedules, laundry and vacations could be doing more harm than good, according to a new study, which showed these students to be more likely to be depressed and dissatisfied with life.
The study, by Holly Schiffrin, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Mary Washington in Fredericksburg, found so-called helicopter parenting negatively affected college students by undermining their need to feel autonomous and competent. Students with overcontrolling parents also were more likely to be depressed and less satisfied with their lives, the study found.
“You expect parents with younger kids to be very involved, but the problem is that these children are old enough to look after themselves and their parents are not backing off,” Schiffrin said. Schiffrin’s study, published in Springer’s Journal of Child and Family Studies, was based on an online survey of 297 undergraduate students in the United States. Participants described their mothers’ parenting behavior and their own autonomy, and researchers assessed their happiness and satisfaction levels.
“To find parents so closely involved with their college lives, contacting their tutors and running their schedules, is something new and on the increase. It does not allow independence and the chance to learn from mistakes,” Schiffrin said.
In the United Kingdom, Mike Grenier, a house master from Eton College is involved in a campaign to get parents to slow down, saying that hyper-involved parenting may demotivate a child and cause psychological damage.
Grenier said the increase in helicopter parenting in the past 10 years had accompanied a changing attitude toward childhood, with more anxiety and fear over youngsters now seen as being at risk and vulnerable if confronted with failure.
“There is the fear that if they don’t get the right school and don’t get the right university, then they won’t get the opportunity to fight for the best jobs,” he said.
Grenier is an advocate of a movement called “slow education,” a concept adapted from the Italian culinary movement that has prompted a wider philosophical approach to travel, business, living and now schooling. “The real danger of hyper-parenting is that it is intrusive and parents don’t let their children make their own decisions, take risks and learn for themselves,” he said."

"It may be that those who do most, dream most."--Stephen Leacock.

DIFFERENCES

You know, so often on Facebook or elsewhere, one will see people with Moebius Syndrome asking a simple kind of question:  I have this or that physical condition; I have this or that ache and pain...do the rest of you have it?  In other words, so many of us would like to know:  do the less obvious physical issues I have also possess a connection to Moebius Syndrome?

It's a good thing that we ask these questions.  One of the best things about the 21st century is that we all can be connected to each other online, sharing insights, questions, and experiences.  And we need to keep asking any questions that come to mind--to me, the more we talk to each other, the more we ask each other, the more we'll know and the better off we'll be.

I do think this too:  that it's also important to remember that maybe your ache, pain or condition isn't related to Moebius, and/or even if it is, many others may not share it.  So don't be disappointed if they don't.  Because a key fact remains:  Moebius Syndrome affects all of us differently.  I don't think it's going too far to say it this way:  no two people with Moebius are exactly alike.  At least, I don't think I've ever seen two with the exact same symptoms.  Have you? 

And that's just the way Moebius Syndrome is.  Certainly, most of us tend to share certain things in common--the lack of eye movement, the general facial paralysis, club feet, etc.  But other things can be different.  I for example can only see out of one eye at a time; my wife Lisa, who also has Moebius, can use both of hers simultaneously.  My eyes are very much crossed; my wife's, not so much.  My wife can show you a little bit of a smile; me, none at all.

And again, that's just the way it is.  And it's nothing to worry about.  We with Moebius still share a ton of things in common, and can and do help each other with all that we share.  But we're not all exactly alike.  We add a great deal of "diversity" to this world (although, in my humble opinion, too often the world doesn't recognize us when it thinks of diversity); and within our own community, we're diverse.  But then, we're a pretty fascinating, interesting bunch, when you get to know us. :+)

"The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said."--Peter Drucker

THE EXPECTATIONS GAME

So today is the day we tie in this blog to sports.  It's going to become a Friday tradition, when possible anyway.  So today, let's start here:  think of all the sports team lately who have had great expectations--but have failed to live up to them.

The Los Angeles Lakers have Kobe, Dwight Howard, and Steve Nash.  But they're struggling to get to .500.  The New York Yankees last fall had one of the highest payrolls in baseball, and were a favorite to get to the World Series.  But they didn't get there.  The New England Patriots recently had one of the best records in the league, and had home field advantage for the conference championship game.  But they lost at home to Baltimore.

Now, all those of you with Moebius, and you parents with children who have it--think of the expectations you have faced.  And think of how low they often are.  So often you parents are told that your children will never accomplish this or that.  Many of you adults probably have met people who automatically assumed you were intellectually disabled (though of course you quickly disabused them of that notion!).

Yet you have so often shown everyone how wrong they were.  You've exceeded their expectations.  I guess that goes to show how life can be.  If you're the Lakers or the Patriots, the expectations you have on paper don't mean a thing, if you don't go out and execute during a game and/or play as a team.  Meanwhile, we with Moebius can do pretty much everything we set out to do---as long as we do our best.  A good thing to keep in mind...

"Remember, there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.  Every act creates a ripple with no logical end."--Scott Adams

IN HONOR OF VALENTINE'S DAY:  MOEBIUS SYNDROME AND RELATIONSHIPS
So given it's V-Day today, let's talk a little bit about dating, relationships, and so forth.  Honestly, this area can be one of the hardest things for persons with Moebius Syndrome to handle.  And you all know the issues that come up:  I look "different."  People don't think I look "normal."  So will I ever find someone?  Do I actually dare ask someone out on a date?  Won't they reject me out of hand, given my different looks?  If I meet someone online, and it becomes time to meet in person, how will they react to my Moebius?  And on and on it goes...

But keep several things in mind.  1] Be open about your Moebius.  If the other person can deal with it (and many can--know that!) then you'll know right away.  If he or she can't, better that you know now--and you're better off without 'em.  2] I know a number of people with Moebius Syndrome, who are married to persons who do NOT have it.  Lesson:  you CAN find someone.  3] Suppose though that you meet someone else who has Moebius Syndrome.  Yes, that's great, and yes, you then instantly have something in common.  But always remember:  even then, it's still a relationship, and you still have to work at it.  And 4] I found the following piece today online...and I think it has something important to tell everybody, whether one has Moebius or not.  It tells us that maybe some of us look at the relationship thing the wrong way.  Maybe too many of us think we have to find that significant other the traditional way--through traditional "dating."  But maybe things have changed; and you need to look at going about it differently.  Read on:
"Editor's note: Jessica Massa is the author of "The Gaggle: How to Find Love in the Post-Dating World."
(CNN) -- Valentine's Day is here. If you're single, you will likely find yourself assessing and reassessing your love life. Your Instagram feed full of perfectly filtered photos of roses, chocolates and TMI kisses will be a constant reminder that you are not in love and not in a relationship.

Meanwhile, an endless string of engagement announcements on Facebook might lead you to question your singlehood and wonder what you have been doing wrong. You might even find yourself vowing to find a significant other by next year's Valentine's so that you can be the one tweeting about finding that perfect gift.

But how? Should you follow the old-fashioned pathway to love? Put on a little black dress, hit the town and hope that someone invites you to dinner and a movie? Recreate your parents' courtship?

Jessica Massa

No. Because it's 2013, and traditional dating as we know it is dead.

When I traveled across the United States a few years ago, I interviewed more than 100 men, women and couples about their love lives in cities big and small. My mission was to figure out what connection, romance and love actually looks like in today's day and age.

What I found was that we're living in a post-dating world.

The happy couples I talked to had not met and immediately started dating. Instead, they connected in more natural -- and yes, ambiguous -- settings. They played on the same volleyball team or were co-workers on a political campaign. Or they hung out in the same social group or were friends for years before getting intimately involved or got intimately involved right off the bat with no initial relationship plans. Or they met each other while living in different parts of the country and got to know each other via Facebook or Gchat before committing to full-on romances.

Instead of going on explicit dates, they had tested the romantic waters, moved in and out of gray areas, and used technology to explore the various aspects of their connection before putting labels or expectations on their relationship.

This romantic ambiguity was also reflected in my conversations with people who were single. Asked to define their romantic status, they gave me answers like, "Well, it's sort of up in the air ..." and "It's really complicated! How much time do you have?" and "I would define it as, hmm, dating? Ish? Dating-ish?"

Single people weren't dating, and young couples who had fallen in love hadn't gotten to that point through dating.

Yes, there were men and women who bemoaned the death of dating. They yearned for the straightforward clarity of an earlier era where gender roles were obvious and technology didn't play such a central role. Then they wouldn't have to deal with the ambiguity of e-mails or the unclear signals of text messages. They wouldn't have to overanalyze every word and interaction.

At the same time, though, even those people were ready to admit that going on actual "dates" was full of pressure and not very enjoyable. Traditional dating, they pointed out, encouraged an overly formal, inauthentic vibe that ultimately hindered instead of helped their efforts to make romantic connections.

This was perfectly expressed to me by a 29-year-old female personal trainer in Denver who had experimented with online dating, matchmakers and blind dates.

"It's hard to tell anything on the first date -- you're so on the surface," she explained. "I think expectations make things more difficult. They make it so much harder to pick someone, because you feel like the stakes are higher. ... You miss that spark. ... Whereas when you're just 'hanging out,' it's easier."

If women struggled with the pressures of traditional dating, men hated them.

As a 26-year-old male graduate student in San Francisco lamented, "I feel this burden to have to do something eccentric or clever or unorthodox. I feel like I'm fighting this almost impossible uphill battle to stand out. I have to show a girl a magic trick."

His thoughts on getting to know women through more natural means? "The ambiguity is much more romantic and fun," he said. "You have a crush on them much more easily."

And isn't that the whole point? For courtship to be fun while love develops?

Today's romantic landscape is full of ambiguity, gray areas and a lack of guarantees about where any given connection might lead. So consider this Valentine's Day an opportunity to set aside your outdated expectations and embrace a new mindset.

Forget dating. Instead, welcome this new era and see every encounter as a potential moment for romantic sparks and excitement."

 

"In life you can never be too kind or too fair; everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load.  When you go through your day expressing kindness and courtesy to all you meet, you leave behind a feeling of warmth and good cheer, and you help alleviate the burdens that everyone is struggling with."--Brian Tracy.

 

 

LIVING LIFE:  ARE YOU TOO MUCH OF A PERFECTIONIST?
I thought this was interesting--this writer suggests that maybe we need to seek the death of "perfection"; and instead want progress, not perfect.  See what you think:
"Linda, a 42-year-old attorney with two young boys, felt guilt and disappointment both on the job and at home. She never quite felt that she was where she needed to be at any given time. For all of her significant accomplishments, she often ended up feeling like a failure as a lawyer and as a mother. When she was on the job, she felt like she should be caring for her children. When she was home with the kids, she felt like she was wasting her talents and abilities. The standards that she set for herself were impossibly high, creating a built-in form of sabotage.
She made little time for her own self-care and often felt exhausted. Linda ran from home to work and back home again. The multitasking took a toll on her physically and emotionally. She also began to isolate from her friends, as she could not justify taking the time to make plans. Linda gave up her Pilates class and no longer felt romantically-inclined. Her once-active sex life slowly began to slip away. Everything and everyone became a distraction that took her away from the demands of her children and work. She now suffered from headaches, sleeplessness, and displayed signs of depression. Linda's need to be perfect at home and on the job was making her sick and unhappy. She felt as though she constantly disappointed her family and coworkers. Mostly, she was cheating herself out of the potential to enjoy the rich life she had created for herself.
Her self-imposed demands to be a perfectionist came from growing up in a family where expectations ran unrealistically high, and rarely did she or anyone else measure up. Linda internalized these early messages and took them to heart and they were beginning to take a toll on her emotionally and physically. She needed to learn how to override these voices from her past and learn to savor more of her life experiences on a day-to-day basis.
Perfectionism is the belief that mistakes cannot be made and that the highest standards of performance in all aspects of their life must consistently be met. Some characteristics of a perfectionist include:

• Sets unrealistic goals and standards.
• Personalizes mistakes and perceives them as a lack self-worth.
• Depletes energy levels by being preoccupied with the fear of failure.
• Interprets comments and suggestions as criticism or as a personal affront.
• Exhibits rigid behavior out of fear of making mistakes.
• Gets frustrated with outcomes that fall short of perfection.

The challenge was for Linda to preserve her goal of excellence while setting standards in her all facets of her life that were realistic and attainable.
Strategies for Overcoming Perfectionism
1. Become more fully present.
When you are truly living in the moment, when you are with your children, you can really devote that time to them. The same is true for work. A simple abdominal breathing exercise can bring you back into the now.
Abdominal breathing can help rapidly change the responses of the mind and body. The body moves from the "fight or flight" response, or the arousal of the sympathetic nervous system, to a calmer state know as the "relaxation response," or the parasympathetic response.
Practice by taking five deep breaths twice a day, with an emphasis on the exhalation. Make sure the exhalation is complete, as the relaxation occurs on the exhalation. Notice how you feel after each round of five breaths. When you don't have time to do the round of five breaths, take just one or two deep breaths and then notice how you feel. You can practice these breaths while with your friends, family, or coworkers. No one needs to know what you are up to regarding your breathing. The chances are quite strong that you will observe a shift in your perception and that you are more in the present moment. Although not always a perfect system, the breathing strategy transformed her feelings of hopelessness into a greater sense of personal empowerment.
2. Develop mindfulness.
Deep breathing helps with the development of mindfulness. A brief meditation technique practiced twice daily can help accelerate your ability to be mindful and benefit you in countless other ways mentally, emotionally, and physically. Learning meditation is easy. The problem most people have is in the follow through. It might help to listen to some guided meditations on CDs or iTunes.
Ideally, I find that it is best to internalize the practice of meditation. That is, to practice on your own, needing no props or anything external. In other words, learn how to meditate or initiate a relaxation response and practice it regularly until it becomes a part of your daily routine. At first, this might take effort and commitment. However, after a few weeks of practice, the rewards start to become evident.
Some of the benefits of meditation include: greater clarity of thought, heightened ability to relax, decreased experience of stress and strain, lower heart rate and blood pressure, enhanced creativity, and greater mindfulness. When you experience these benefits first hand, you might find the meditation so significant and compelling for the quality of your life that you will create the time to continue this practice.
3. Learning the value of "good enough."
Learning to give yourself permission to do your best in your role of mother, daughter, partner, professional and knowing when your efforts were "good enough" is a great gift for anyone who suffers with the idea that things must be perfect. As far as I am concerned, we must come together and institute the idea of "the death of perfection." Perfectionism is harmful to our psyches because it is unattainable and makes us feel like we are "less than," even when we are doing our best. The notion of the "good enough mother" or the "good enough lawyer" does not mean that you compromise your integrity or commitment to your responsibilities, but rather that you embrace the multiple roles of her life fully and realistically.
4. Progress, not perfection.
Use an affirmation such as "progress, not perfection." An affirmation is a phrase or statement that either asserts the truth or conveys some positive thought that is within the realm of possibility. Other examples could be, "whole and integrated," or "healing, health, and harmony." Whatever simple, positive statement speaks to you is probably a good one for you to use.
To practice your affirmation, first take a few deep breaths to unwind. Then, repeat your phrase. It is as simple as that. You can repeat your phrase while getting ready for your day, in the car, while exercising, or whenever it comes to mind. Affirmations are particularly effective when you are in a relaxed state, as that is when your mind is most receptive to suggestion. This is what the practice of hypnosis is based upon.
Repeating the affirmation "progress, not perfection" will help you to create an attitudinal shift that will better equip you to accept your own limitations as well as those of your family members, friends, and coworkers. Over time, you might even notice a greater sense of compassion for yourself. The "death of perfection" is a radical notion that when embraced helps to liberate us in today's wildly demanding world.
5. Celebrate your accomplishments. Most move so swiftly from one accomplishment to another that we don't get to savor or appreciate what we have done. Instead, we focus on what needs to happen next, which can lead to feeling overwhelmed or depressed. Focus your successes and make sure you find a way to acknowledge your achievements, big and small. You need to be your best cheerleader. Not only does this build your sense of joy, but it is also contagious. When others see you appreciating your own accomplishments, they are likely to do the same, which then creates a more positive environment at home and work. Once Linda was able to let go of the idea of perfection, she became open to experiences and ideas that expanded her learning potential. She understood that disappointments and mistakes were unavoidable, and she now had some tools to help her to recover faster from these setbacks. The meditation and affirmation techniques she now practiced routinely allowed her to be more fully in the present. The old voices that reminded Linda of her inadequacies quieted down and were replaced by the more positive perspective that came with being in the moment.
Linda began taking greater pleasure in her time with her children, her man, and her work. The more present she became, the more she savored her days and experiences. Inadvertently, she was also teaching her children the value of good enough and self-compassion."

"A tree is known by its fruit, a man by his deeds.  A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love."--Saint Basil.