What they ask, that is, of the Washington Post's new parenting advice columnist. Do any of you Moebius moms and dads deal with some of these issues? I bet you do. Read on:
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Our morning/dinner/bedtime is a hot mess of horrors.
Routine
issues are a hot topic as children get older and begin to assert their
independence. What was once easy (putting on pajamas), now becomes a
full-on war. Parents call me because they feel they are being held
hostage by their kids. Will the parents ever get to work on time? Will
the child ever sleep alone? Will the children ever sit down and eat a
meal?
The more the parents worry, the bigger the problems become.
And often one routine mess creates another. From waking the children to
getting them dressed to feeding them and getting them into the car, you
are punishing, begging and bribing on the daily.
Parents are exhausted. (Kids probably are, too.)
These
issues are also exceptionally hard on marriages. Each parent usually
has a different idea of what should be happening with the kids. One
parent doesn’t mind that the 3-year-old carries his toast around with
him, while the other wants impeccable manners from the get-go. While the
parents struggle to get on the same page, the child feels the lack of
leadership in the house. And so the routines get worse.
Even if
they fight it, children love the feeling of knowing what is going to
happen next. Routines make them feel safe. So even when things are wild,
they know what time to wake, what time to be at school or the park,
what time day care begins or the nanny arrives, when to eat lunch or
nap, what time school ends, what time we eat dinner, what we eat for
dinner, what time we bathe and when we go to sleep.
Without these routines, adults tend to feel lost, anxious and out of
control. And this goes double for children. Children without strong
boundaries and family rituals can tend to have attention problems or
anxiety and may start to try to be the “boss” of the family.
It
is always the parents’ responsibility to ensure that routines are clear:
This is a top-down job. Of course, children grow and change. What
worked last month may stop working now.
For instance, your
almost-3-year-old was happy to sit and be served his dinner, but now he
is running around creating havoc. You chase, threaten, yell and
eventually give up.
There is a good chance that this lovely child
is ready to belong to the family in a new way. He needs to be needed.
He wants to put this strong body and sharp mind to work — he needs a
job. Setting tables, helping with the meal, putting out napkins, passing
the salt, all of it equates to involvement of a positive nature. He
belongs. He is seen. Smiles abound.
Will it be perfect? No.
But
routines are made by parents for children to follow, to keep them safe
and to keep life moving. Routines are not meant to be perfect and easy,
and accepting routines as a practice will help your parenting journey
immensely.
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More tomorrow...
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