Monday, August 11, 2014

ON PARENTING: QUESTIONS PARENTS MOST FREQUENTLY ASK

What they ask, that is, of the Washington Post's new parenting advice columnist.  Do any of you Moebius moms and dads deal with some of these issues?  I bet you do.  Read on:

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Our morning/dinner/bedtime is a hot mess of horrors.
Routine issues are a hot topic as children get older and begin to assert their independence. What was once easy (putting on pajamas), now becomes a full-on war. Parents call me because they feel they are being held hostage by their kids. Will the parents ever get to work on time? Will the child ever sleep alone? Will the children ever sit down and eat a meal?
The more the parents worry, the bigger the problems become. And often one routine mess creates another. From waking the children to getting them dressed to feeding them and getting them into the car, you are punishing, begging and bribing on the daily.
Parents are exhausted. (Kids probably are, too.)
These issues are also exceptionally hard on marriages. Each parent usually has a different idea of what should be happening with the kids. One parent doesn’t mind that the 3-year-old carries his toast around with him, while the other wants impeccable manners from the get-go. While the parents struggle to get on the same page, the child feels the lack of leadership in the house. And so the routines get worse.
Even if they fight it, children love the feeling of knowing what is going to happen next. Routines make them feel safe. So even when things are wild, they know what time to wake, what time to be at school or the park, what time day care begins or the nanny arrives, when to eat lunch or nap, what time school ends, what time we eat dinner, what we eat for dinner, what time we bathe and when we go to sleep.
Without these routines, adults tend to feel lost, anxious and out of control. And this goes double for children. Children without strong boundaries and family rituals can tend to have attention problems or anxiety and may start to try to be the “boss” of the family.
It is always the parents’ responsibility to ensure that routines are clear: This is a top-down job. Of course, children grow and change. What worked last month may stop working now.
For instance, your almost-3-year-old was happy to sit and be served his dinner, but now he is running around creating havoc. You chase, threaten, yell and eventually give up.
There is a good chance that this lovely child is ready to belong to the family in a new way. He needs to be needed. He wants to put this strong body and sharp mind to work — he needs a job. Setting tables, helping with the meal, putting out napkins, passing the salt, all of it equates to involvement of a positive nature. He belongs. He is seen. Smiles abound.
Will it be perfect? No.
But routines are made by parents for children to follow, to keep them safe and to keep life moving. Routines are not meant to be perfect and easy, and accepting routines as a practice will help your parenting journey immensely.

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More tomorrow...

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