Interesting--so just how DO we be more considerate? How do we become better people? Read on:
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Being considerate of others will take you and your children
further in life than any college or professional degree." - Marian
Wright Edelman
Edelman, a renowned American activist, not
only dedicated her life to fighting for the rights of disadvantaged
children, but also served as a strong advocate for acting with
consideration toward others. Being considerate, one of the roots of pure
kindness, comes in many shapes in sizes. And whether you offer
compliments solely for the emotional well-being of others or share what
you have without expecting anything in return, it is a sense of civility
that drives you to act considerately.
Abdulla M. Abdulhalim,
a University of Maryland Ph.D. candidate in pharmaceutical health
services research, served as a President's Fellow in 2012. Alongside six
others selected for the program, he examined the issue of civility, being considerate, why the two are important and how the university could help address them for society as a whole.
"We
like simple definitions," Abdulhalim told The Huffington Post.
"Civility really is a more broad term compared to being considerate.
Civility is simply just being nice, and it’s not only an attitude of
benevolence, thoughtfulness and relating to other individuals. It also
entails a real, active interest in the well-being of communities and
even concern for the health of the planet. You have to really do an effort in order to be civil. And being considerate is a part of being civil."
Taking
a passive approach to behaving with consideration toward others can
stem from our subconscious nature rather than intentional actions.
However, that doesn't mean we all can't put a little effort toward being
more considerate of those and the world around us. Here are seven habits that set considerate -- and civil -- people apart from the rest.
They practice empathy.
"Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle." - Plato
It's
one thing to harbor a sense of empathy and another to put it into
action. Considerate people are not only capable of figuratively putting
themselves in other people’s shoes, they also actively choose to view the world beyond themselves. Their sense of compassion for others drives them to connect, and they derive personal joy and satisfaction from this selfless exchange.
"I
think when someone is not acting this way, just the behavior itself
seems really selfish," said Abdulhalim. "No one will ever understand the
perspective of another unless they take that person’s hand and consider
things how they see it."
They smile often.
Believe it or not, choosing to smile makes a significant impact on
how others perceive you and your presence, not to mention your own mood.
According to Abdulhalim, the body uses 42 different small muscles to
smile, whereas a frown is the easy default. Make the effort to smile for
the positive impact it has on others around you.
Abdulhalim
suggests creating a reminder for yourself in developing this habit. "In
the entrance of my building here, for example, there’s a big banner that
says, ‘Civility, power,’ and different phrases that remind me that I
need to smile at the face of a stranger, or maybe open the door for
someone whom I don’t know, or maybe let them in the elevator first," he
said. "I think it is also very helpful to practice with yourself. If
someone looks at themselves in the mirror and they frown or they smile,
it’s a huge difference. You’ll realize how you look differently. People
just don’t know how they look when they frown or when they give a nice
smile."
They are intuitive of other people's needs.
As you channel your sense of empathy and consider how others around
you are feeling, choose to act on that information. You never know,
simply asking someone how they're doing -- regardless of its impact on
your life -- can do wonders for their mood and self-esteem.
"When
you get into the elevator and you have 10 seconds to make a good
impression or just remain quiet and look at your cell phone, I think if
you ask, 'How is your day?' just to be nice, that’s being considerate,"
said Abdulhalim. "Let’s face it: Do you really want to know how that
person’s day is going? Is it something that would add to or change your
life? Especially if that person is a stranger. From the face of it, you
really don’t want to know. You just ask the question because you want to
make the person in front of you feel like they’re valued. And that’s
the point of being considerate in this situation -- it’s not the content
of the answer, it’s the intention."
They mind their manners.
"Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If
you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you
use." - etiquette expert Emily Post
Being polite doesn't
begin and end with saying please, thank you, and you're welcome. It
involves a comprehensive acknowledgement of another person's feelings
and behaving accordingly. Follow the golden rule and treat others like
you want to be treated -- from being punctual (respecting others' time)
to not talking over others (exercising self-control) to actively
listening to what others have to say.
"You can’t be considerate if
you’re not really listening," said Abdulhalim. "You have to really pay
attention and grasp information, and even repeat it within yourself, to
then provide feedback based on actual logic. Listen, process, and then
act by logic, and pass that logic through empathy rather than blurting
it out. Then the answer should come up with logic but in a considerate
way."
They put others first... sometimes.
"He who doesn't consider himself is seldom considerate of others." - David Seabury
Selflessness
can be a double-edged sword for considerate people. While prioritizing
others' needs over our own makes people happy and creates a sense of
fulfillment for us, we often lose our ability to take care of ourselves first
when necessary and say "no." However, striking that balance is just as
important as being considerate in the first place -- otherwise, we fall
into the realm of people-pleasing, which leads to a decrease in our own
productivity, according to Abdulhalim.
"It’s hard, he said. "But
practicing the ‘no’ in smaller situations will help you say ‘no’ in more
crucial situations. Practice is very important. The sweet spot is to
know when to be considerate of others and when to be considerate of
yourself."
They are patient -- even when they don’t feel like it.
Patience is far from a passive characteristic. It can be difficult to
come by -- especially when we feel stressed, overwhelmed, and
surrounded everywhere by impatience. However, that's all the more reason
to find a sense of motivation and work on it.
"Many people I’ve
met who are very nice and considerate would actually say, ‘Why should I
be considerate when 95 percent of the time I finish last?’" said
Abdulhalim. "And I agree with that logic, but you never lose if you are
considerate. It depends really on how you look at it. Let’s say you’re
civil to someone and they don’t reciprocate. Why don’t you use this as a
motive for you to set a better example of how civility is really
important for everyone? That goes back to being a positive influence. If
you have this positive influence, then you have the motivation to be
better and to influence others in a positive way."
They apologize -- but only when warranted.
Some people say "sorry" incessantly for fear of offending others with
any and every move they make. Others forgo apologies altogether, coming
across as quite rude and insensitive. Similar to the people-pleasing
tendencies of kind and considerate people, apologies must find a sense
of equilibrium.
"Sorry is a big word," said Abdulhalim. "It means
that you’re regretting an action you did. Being considerate means
apologizing when you made a mistake and apologizing when you think
you’ve made a mistake. But when you’re a people pleaser or overly
apologetic, the only person you’re harming is yourself. People pleasers
are usually less productive because they may not be available but make
time anyway to help another person. Then that person knows they’re
always available for them and they keep coming to you."
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