I thought this piece would be of interest to all the many people in this great Moebius network. Now don't get me wrong: I am not saying that it's good to be a hermit; or that, if you have Moebius, it is OK to isolate yourself and shut yourself off from the world. That we must not do.
But when it comes to relationships, we must not simply accept ANY relationship or any partner...simply for the sake of NOT being alone. There lies trouble. Read more about it:
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The fear of being alone is terrifying for most people I know. This
paralyzing projection keeps many a couple trapped in a dysfunctional
loop of unhappy relations. Though the reasons stated for not separating
include children, loss of money or "it's just not the right time," at
the core of this stasis is a fear of being alone. Someone, it seems, is
better than no one.
The fear of being alone is an irrational
construct. Alone doesn't mean "lonely." Yet, the false premise states
that clinging to "another" for safety will somehow guarantee our safety.
Security derived from an outer source is impossible. In the absence of
our own self-love, we cannot connect to another in a meaningful way.
Staying in an unhappy partnership is viewed as being of greater value
than honoring the self. It is fear. Projected fear. The loneliness
imagined will only be experienced when not united with our selves.
I've
counseled many people on the merits of being comfortable in their own
skin and finding peace within. While this is the answer, it's astounding
how much resistance is given to the concept.
The reason for
this resistance lies in outer identification. We've been told through
movies, music and literature that we're incomplete if we're alone. Only
the presence of "another" can alleviate the void we feel inside and make
us feel whole. In actuality, we feel the void when we're not aligned
with ourselves.
It's folly. But still, the myth continues in the
minds of far too many. How enticing the belief that someone else will be
the balm to soothe us and the cure to our discontent? And how sad the
realization that no one can provide solace for what we lack, inside.
No
outer force that can sooth inner discontent. In pressing our partner to
do our work for us, they will certainly fail. Then, they become the
problem. Our relationship becomes the problem. The love that was
supposed to complete us becomes a battleground of conflicting wills as
each holds the other's happiness in their fickle hands.
The fear
of being alone is far greater than the real doing of it. Taking time to
be alone with ourselves can be the greatest journey of a lifetime. The
discovery of what we like, what we feel, what we want and who we really
are is liberation at its finest.
When actualized, one discovers
the delight of a freedom far greater than imagined. After all, the
worries and projected fears have passed, there comes the unexpected
ah-ha moment -- we are fine. Our former avoidance seems ridiculous in
hindsight. There is peace and contentment. Then, joy.
We realize
we have ourselves as good company. We begin to value the life we have.
We learn our fears of being alone were completely unfounded. We create a
new platform from which love may grow.
When we've worked through
the fear of being alone, we may assess the validity of our existing
partnership. With the pressure off our partner to save us, the
relationship that seemed "dead" often finds new life. As we've changed,
our partner must change in correspondence. From the point of inner
connection, we may amend what we have or magnetize new suitors who also
like themselves and like us.
Comfort within one's self is the best
starting point for a new relationship, or for a current love affair in
peril. It's the work that must be done by no one, but us. And, once
done... is cherished as the edification of all that we are, and have now
become.
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