In honor of Thanksgiving tomorrow, I thought this was interesting--all parents, take note:
"I was 7 years old when I received a tiny Christmas present -- about the size of an eraser -- awkwardly wrapped and covered in tape. My sister's boyfriend, Jeff, was visiting and had considerately brought gifts for his girlfriend's three younger siblings. Mine, though, was by far the smallest. I remember opening it up to reveal a miniature ceramic dog -- a cold, hard nothing that fit in the palm of my hand -- and thinking how unlucky I was. I gave Jeff my best cold shoulder the rest of the day.
And I've felt guilty about it ever since. Partly because, in hindsight, Jeff's gift was very thoughtful: I'd been obsessed with my dollhouse, and he had managed to find one accessory my dream home did not yet have -- a pet. Still, I couldn't look past the size of the gift to be grateful for the amount of care that had gone into choosing it.
In this, experts say, I wasn't an unusual kid: For distractible, still-developing children (and that's pretty much all of them), gratitude can be hard-won. While many can be trained to say "please" and "thank you" beginning at about 18 months, true appreciativeness and generosity take time to seed and blossom.
"There's a difference between encouraging thankfulness in your kids and actually expecting it," says Claire Lerner, a child-development specialist at Zero to Three, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the healthy development of kids and families. "Raising a grateful child is an ongoing process."
Vicki Hoefle, director of Parenting on Track, a parent-education program based in East Middlebury, Vermont (and the mother of five teenagers), concurs: "As nice as it is to think about having a five-year-old who appreciates and shows gratitude for everything, the truth is, parents can feel successful if they raise a thirty-five-year-old who embodies that grateful spirit."
So, to Jeff Galvin I offer a long-overdue "Thank you." To everyone else, here's how to avoid getting derailed by five not-so-thankful-kid moments, both this holiday season and all year long:
Your 9-year-old keeps a running -- and growing -- list of toys he has to have. He's up to number 23 this season.
In-The-Moment Fix "Emphasize that you appreciate there are many things he wants, but let him know it will only be possible to get a few of them," says Robert Brooks, Ph.D., a psychologist at Harvard Medical School and coauthor of Raising a Self-Disciplined Child. That way, you won't make him feel greedy or foolish for compiling a lengthy list, but you will set his expectations.
Another idea: Ask him to make a second list, equal in number to the things he wants to get, of things or actions he is willing to give, suggests Maureen Healy, author of 365 Perfect Things to Say to Your Kids. For example: 1) Clean his room, 2) Help you find a charity that the family can donate to, 3) Pitch in when Dad starts wrapping presents, 4) Make a holiday card. Last, if you're in for belt-tightening this year, let him know.
Be honest, but keep it simple and undramatic so you don't scare him. Instead of saying "Dad might lose his job, so we have to cut back" -- which might make him sure you'll be losing the house next -- say something like "Nothing major is going to change, but we'll have to wait until next year to go on vacation and we have to hold off on getting the new bike you wanted." It's likely your kid will think "Okay, I can live with that," says Lerner.
Long-Term Strategy
Help him understand that gifts are thoughtful gestures, not just a way for him to score materialistic gain, says Lerner. Anytime he receives a present, point out everything the giver put into it. If a classmate makes him a friendship bracelet, for example, say "Oh, wow -- Lucy remembered that you thought these were cool. She picked out colors she knows you like, and it probably took her a whole hour to make. That is so nice." Do this enough times and he'll get the "quality, not quantity" idea before you know it.
Your 5-year-old grimaces at the stuffed Elmo her aunt gives her and says, "But I wanted a Barbie!"
In-The-Moment Fix
"The concept of hiding your own negative feelings to protect someone else's is way too complex for kids five and under," says Lerner. (Older kids get better and better but will still have frequent slipups.) So validate your daughter's feelings without responding critically, says Brooks.
Say "I know you wanted a Barbie, but let's think about all the different ways we can play with Elmo." You can also step in and model the appropriate response -- and defuse the uncomfortable situation -- by exclaiming something like "Wow, that was so thoughtful, wasn't it, Alli? Aunt Karen remembered you needed mittens!" This trick works for all ages: If your older son receives a gift he already owns, for example, say "Oh, cool! That's your favorite game!"
Write a little script for your child to follow when he gets a present, recommends Bette Freedson of the National Association of Social Workers. Come up with a stock line or two together, like "Thank you! I like it a lot!" He can also pick out one thing to specifically compliment ("This blanket feels really soft").
Long-Term StrategyBefore any gift-getting occasion, prepare your child for the possibility that she may not like all her presents, but at the same time, let her know that it's still important to show her appreciation. Remind her that people put effort into trying to find her the best thing. Then devise a special cue between the two of you, suggests Lerner, that reminds her to say thank you. When you see her mouth turning down, you can clap your hands and say "Great present!" to snap her back into good-manners mode.
You can't even take your kid to get socks or lightbulbs without him whining for you to buy him something -- seemingly anything.
In-The-Moment Fix
Before you go on any shopping trip, inform your child that you'll be hitting the mall to, say, buy gifts for his cousins. "Engage him in the process," says Lerner. "Ask him what his cousin Jane likes and which toy you should get her. Get him excited about buying for someone else." At the same time, make it clear that you won't be able to buy anything for him. Then, if your son throws a fit at the store, you can refer back to that conversation, and say something like "I know it's hard to be here when you're not getting anything, but that's the rule. Now, I really need your help finding something for Jane." Let's be honest: That might not be enough to stop his whining. But steel yourself and stay strong. Caving in will only teach him that he will eventually get his way if he complains loud or long enough.
Long-Term Strategy
Your weekends may be errand time, but try to avoid spending all your family moments pushing a shopping cart. That way, your kids won't think acquiring stuff is the leisure-time norm. (Don't get us wrong, though: We know those flattering jeans are sometimes an absolute necessity!) Denver mom Beth Korin says she and her two boys, ages 7 and 9, frequently head to the library, an indoor pool, or a rock-climbing gym instead. "We try to think of things we can do that don't involve hanging out in stores," she says. Prepare kids for these events the same way you would for gifts ("We're going to have a big, delicious meal with all of your favorite foods, and then we're going to play games!"). The idea you want to get across is that having experiences can be just as exciting as accumulating things (if not more).
Your 6-year-old gobbles down the Teddy Grahams that another parent at the playground gives him. But when you prod him to say "Thank you," he won't.
In-The-Moment Fix It's easy to turn this "teachable moment" into a battle of wills -- one where you're repeating "I didn't hear you say thank you!" to your tantrum-ing child while the person he's supposed to thank is backing away in discomfort. But, explains Lerner, the fact that your son doesn't always say the words likely just means they haven't become a habit for him yet. "And getting into power struggles actually impedes the process," she says. So while you should definitely remind your kids to give thanks, it's best not to make a big deal about it if it doesn't happen.
Long-Term Strategy Remind yourself to model grateful behavior. When your cookie-muncher goes silent, go ahead and say the necessary "Thank you so much!" for him. (At least until he gets older and can be counted on to follow your cues.) In your own everyday interactions, always offer warm thank-yous and praise to grocery store clerks, gas-station attendants, waiters, teachers -- anyone who's helpful to you or him. You may think your child isn't paying attention to those small moments, but he actually is.
When you say no to a toy that, according to your daughter, "everyone at school" has, she complains that all her BFFs get cooler stuff than she does.
In-The-Moment FixSympathize with her frustration, but remind your daughter that, actually, many people don't have as much as she does. How? Begin a tradition of charity work and donating. Start simple: As young as age 3, children can be encouraged to go through their belongings and pick out items to donate, says Lerner. Every year after that, they can get more involved. Last year, Gabrielle Melchionda of Yarmouth, ME, and her two sons, ages 5 and 9, volunteered to decorate low-income homes for Christmas. "It was so nice to see all of the kids, mine and those who lived there, on their bellies coloring together," she says. "Later, my kids asked things like 'Was that the whole house?' It sparked conversation for months. It was an experience none of us will forget."
Long-Term Strategy Expose your daughter to people from all walks of life. "We often try to shield our children from those who are less fortunate, but it's important that kids know how lucky they are," says Dale McGowan, a father of three in Atlanta and coauthor of Parenting Beyond Belief. So the next time you see a homeless person, pass a shelter, or read a story in the news about a needy family, he suggests, ask questions -- "Where do you think that man sleeps?" or "Can you imagine what it would be like not to have a home?" -- that get your kids to put themselves in someone else's shoes. (At the same time, assure them that your family will always have a place to call home.) You'll be surprised -- and pleased -- at how often kids are moved to want to help.
Bonus mom advice: Don't diss gifts yourself as long as your little one is around. In fact, make a point of talking about the redeeming qualities of even that hideous necklace from your mother-in-law--how shiny! "You have to model gratitude if you want your child to practice it, too," points out Janette B. Benson, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at the University of Denver."
THANKSGIVING: THE POWER OF NOSTALGIA
And also--why Thanksgiving feels so good, and the food tastes so good: because it reminds us of, makes us feel nostalgic for, good family time in the past; and there's nothing wrong with that:
"You've been thinking about it for weeks. Mounds of turkey piled high with buttery mashed potatoes, dripping with gravy.
Green bean casserole and pumpkin pie. Or sweet potato casserole and pecan pie. Cranberries. Collard greens. Stuffing.
Every year, we spend hours making the traditional Thanksgiving favorites just like our mom used to do, like her mom did before that.
"When you do something repeatedly over the years, it builds up a kind of power," nutritional psychologist Marc David says. "It creates its own momentum. To make the same dish year after year, decade after decade, there's something in that that connects us to the past."
Nostalgia comes from the Greek word for homecoming (nostos) and pain (algos). But experts say feeling nostalgic is actually good for your mental health.
"Emotional eating has gotten a bad name," David says. "We're emotional people. We are emotional beings. We're built for pleasure."
Nostalgic products fill a need to belong and feel socially connected, according to an Arizona State University study published in the Journal of Consumer Research last year.
That's why this time of year, TV and radio ads are filled with smiling families sitting around a large table in holiday sweaters, passing the dinner rolls. Even if you're far away from home, companies want you to believe that buying those same dinner rolls will fill your heart with holiday joy. Turns out, it works.
Dr. Clay Routledge works with other researchers from the University of Southampton's nostalgia project. He recently published an article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology titled "The past makes present meaningful."
Nostalgia, Routledge found, increases a person's self-esteem. Daily activities like going to class or attending meetings are routine, even boring. When we engage in nostalgia, we tend to think of the things that are really important to us. That makes us feel like our life is meaningful.
"What's amazing about autobiographical memory is that bad memories fade faster than positive memories," Routledge says. "One thing that's interesting about nostalgia is that it's not 100% detail accurate -- it's more the highlights."
Nostalgia is largely social. Routledge' s studies found that people who are alone or disconnected feel better after engaging in nostalgia. Yet you're probably dreaming right now about your grandfather's deep-fried turkey, not about him, right?
"Is it really about the food?" Routledge asks. "Or is the food just sort of a trigger or cue for what the holidays are really all about, which is relationships. We don't eat these foods other times of the year because we've segmented them off as special. They go with this occasion. They go with the relationships."
For Taste of Home editor Catherine Cassidy, Thanksgiving means cooking for the ones she loves. She gets satisfaction in putting good food on the table for her family. So many of our best moments from the past, she says, are rooted in our sense of smell.
"We call them food memories. When it comes to the holidays we are always trying to recreate the magic and the specialness we experienced when we were children."
So indulge in a little Thanksgiving daydream. Long for the oyster stuffing. Sniff the air in anticipation of mom's pumpkin pie. Then on the big day, enjoy your holiday feast, and all the benefits that come from the power of nostalgia."
BRAIN TALK DEPT
And of course we always love brain talk---today: how meditating can help:
"When you're under pressure from work and family and the emails don't stop coming, it's hard to stop your mind from jumping all over the place.
But scientists are finding that it may be worth it to train your brain to focus on something as simple as your breath, which is part of mindfulness meditation.
A new study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, is the latest in a hot emerging field of research examining how meditation relates to the brain. It shows that people who are experienced meditators show less activity in the brain's default mode network, when the brain is not engaged in focused thought.
The default mode network is associated with introspection and mind wandering. Typically, drifting thoughts tend to focus on negative subjects, creating more stress and anxiety. It has also been linked to attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and Alzheimer's disease.
Researchers looked at experienced meditators and trained novices. There were 12 in the "experienced" category, with an average of more than 10,000 hours of mindfulness meditation experience (Malcolm Gladwell's "Outliers" suggests that it takes 10,000 hours to be an expert at something), and 12 healthy volunteers who were novices in meditation.
Each volunteer was instructed to engage in three types of meditation: concentration (attention to the breath), love-kindness (wishing beings well) and choiceless awareness (focus on whatever comes up). Scientists looked at their brain activity during these meditations with functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).
Across all of these types of meditation, the experienced meditators showed less activity in the default mode network than in the novices. The experienced participants also reported less mind wandering than the novices. Interestingly, experienced meditators also showed increased connectivity between certain brain networks during meditation and non-meditation.
"It doesn't matter what they're doing, they have an altered default mode network," said Dr. Judson Brewer, medical director of the Yale University Therapeutic Neuroscience Clinic and lead author of the study. "We were pretty excited about that, because it suggests that these guys are paying attention a lot more."
From this particular study, researchers can't say whether meditating is beneficial to the brain. But, viewed in conjunction with other studies showing the positive effects of mindfulness training for depression, substance abuse, anxiety and pain disorders, it seems to have promise. Also, a 2010 study found that people tend to be more unhappy when they their mind is wandering.
"Putting all those together, we might be able to start get at what the mechanisms of mindfulness are," Brewer said.
But the study does not address the issue of cause: Is meditation changing the brain, or do people who already have these brain patterns get interested in meditation?
"Emerging data from our group and others suggests that some things thought to be result of meditation might be cause of meditation," said Dr. Charles Raison, associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Arizona College of Medicine.
If some people are just better at keeping their minds from wandering, that would also be consistent with the Buddhist idea that your capabilities are the result of your Karmic path, so meditation may be better suited to some people than others, Raison said.
Someday, if brain scans become cheap enough, one day there might be a test to see who can benefit most from mindfulness training, Raison said.
In the meantime, scientists should explore these open questions by doing longitudinal studies, Raison said. That would involve assigning some people to meditate and some people to not meditate, and following the groups over time to see whether a change in brain activity patterns is visible.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered
himself is mightier still." -Lao-Tzu
A new study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, is the latest in a hot emerging field of research examining how meditation relates to the brain. It shows that people who are experienced meditators show less activity in the brain's default mode network, when the brain is not engaged in focused thought.
The default mode network is associated with introspection and mind wandering. Typically, drifting thoughts tend to focus on negative subjects, creating more stress and anxiety. It has also been linked to attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and Alzheimer's disease.
Researchers looked at experienced meditators and trained novices. There were 12 in the "experienced" category, with an average of more than 10,000 hours of mindfulness meditation experience (Malcolm Gladwell's "Outliers" suggests that it takes 10,000 hours to be an expert at something), and 12 healthy volunteers who were novices in meditation.
Each volunteer was instructed to engage in three types of meditation: concentration (attention to the breath), love-kindness (wishing beings well) and choiceless awareness (focus on whatever comes up). Scientists looked at their brain activity during these meditations with functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).
Across all of these types of meditation, the experienced meditators showed less activity in the default mode network than in the novices. The experienced participants also reported less mind wandering than the novices. Interestingly, experienced meditators also showed increased connectivity between certain brain networks during meditation and non-meditation.
"It doesn't matter what they're doing, they have an altered default mode network," said Dr. Judson Brewer, medical director of the Yale University Therapeutic Neuroscience Clinic and lead author of the study. "We were pretty excited about that, because it suggests that these guys are paying attention a lot more."
From this particular study, researchers can't say whether meditating is beneficial to the brain. But, viewed in conjunction with other studies showing the positive effects of mindfulness training for depression, substance abuse, anxiety and pain disorders, it seems to have promise. Also, a 2010 study found that people tend to be more unhappy when they their mind is wandering.
"Putting all those together, we might be able to start get at what the mechanisms of mindfulness are," Brewer said.
But the study does not address the issue of cause: Is meditation changing the brain, or do people who already have these brain patterns get interested in meditation?
"Emerging data from our group and others suggests that some things thought to be result of meditation might be cause of meditation," said Dr. Charles Raison, associate professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Arizona College of Medicine.
If some people are just better at keeping their minds from wandering, that would also be consistent with the Buddhist idea that your capabilities are the result of your Karmic path, so meditation may be better suited to some people than others, Raison said.
Someday, if brain scans become cheap enough, one day there might be a test to see who can benefit most from mindfulness training, Raison said.
In the meantime, scientists should explore these open questions by doing longitudinal studies, Raison said. That would involve assigning some people to meditate and some people to not meditate, and following the groups over time to see whether a change in brain activity patterns is visible.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered
himself is mightier still." -Lao-Tzu
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