FOR MOEBIUS MOMS AND DADS: ON FATHERHOOD

I just thought this was interesting--a Washington Post writer below muses about what makes a good dad.  Important for all of us who are or will be parents, and of course important for all of you out there parenting a Moebius child, too.  Some good points below--pretty universal, applicable to a whole lot of parenting situations.  See if you agree:

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For some reason I’m been thinking this week about fatherhood, and the role of the Dad — not so much the joys of the job, which are many and obvious, but the requirements, the ideal qualities, as viewed from the progeny. What makes a good Dad? I don’t have the answer, but I bet some of you folks out there have some ideas.
First, let’s be honest and admit that, as a rule, mothers are better at motherhood than fathers are at fatherhood. You don’t hear about deadbeat Moms and distant mothers. You don’t hear about Dad and Apple Pie.
Or maybe I’m conflating closeness, the power of the bond, with good parenting. Discuss. What’s certain is that fatherhood always carries with it the possibility of uninvolvement, of abandonment, or disinterest. Hard as it is to imagine for those of us lucky enough to be close to our kids, some fathers don’t bond so well, and either take off for the hills or just hole up in their mancave and pay little attention. This is not something for which I have felt the need to conduct personal research.
The converse can also happen: The distant father re-appearing, or discovering for the first time that the child is interesting, and fun, and smart, and someone with whom you could actually carry on a conversation. The father-child relationship can evolve. You can work on it. There’s hope. This, too, is something I did not need to learn about from a textbook.
Fatherhood also evolves generationally, among a broad cohort of men who discover new pleasures in care-giving that their own fathers didn’t enjoy. Back in the day, a man was  forgiven if he viewed a baby as borderline radioactive. Now we live in a society where there are diaper-changing tables in every men’s room at every airport (of course, the guys stand around pointing at the thing laughing uproariously). I’d like to think that Dads are doing a better job these days, in general. (Another discussion point.)
So what is that job? I think it’s more than being available, or cheering at soccer games, or taking a kid to visit colleges. A Dad is supposed to be there for the heavy lift. He is the first to arrive and the last to go in crunch time. His support has no waver in it; there is no ambiguity about his feelings. He believes in the child, to the point that he will let go, and trust the child to make a good decision. He is not over-protective or meddling. He’s rational about likely risks and calms unnecessary fears. He somehow makes the world less scary.
A good father is somehow just THERE, always, a reassuring presence — even when he’s not there anymore, because of the rules of mortality, and all you can do is hear his voice in your head.

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SOMETHING-INTERESTING-AND-ALSO-WITH-A-CONNECTION-TO-MOEBIUS DEPT

Hmmm.  Something interesting and with a connection to Moebius.  So what is it?  Well--first of all, this morning I read an interesting column from famous national columnist Maureen Dowd in the NY Times.  So first of all let's read what she had to say--and then afterwards I'll muse a bit on it.  First, here's a piece of what Maureen Dowd had to say today:

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Far be it from me to defend what Jon Stewart has demolished.

But I would like to speak up on behalf of the fledgling New York mayor’s de Blasphemy, now universally deemed his first mistake and possibly grounds for impeachment: daintily carving up his smoked-mozzarella-and-sausage pizza at Goodfellas in Staten Island with a knife and fork.

I’m not saying it’s right. I know it’s wrong. I’m just saying I do it, too. I eat pizza with a knife and fork because I want only the gooey stuff on top, not the crust.

(When I first started in The Times’s Washington bureau, I soothed my nerves by noshing on pizzas slathered with mashed potatoes, a dish that required a spoon and bigger jeans.)

I almost didn’t become a Times columnist because of a de Blasio-like faux pas. When Arthur Sulzberger Jr. took me to breakfast to discuss the possibility of a column, we were talking when he suddenly looked dismayed. I thought it was my ZERO knowledge about NATO, but it wasn’t.

“Why,” he asked me, “are you eating your muffin with a knife and fork?”

I thought I was being ladylike, which might have been de Blasio’s problem as well. The photos looked way too ladylike for the 6-foot-5 mayor. It seemed more like the prissy move of Warren Wilhelm Jr. of Cambridge — his original name which he changed because of his estrangement from his alcoholic father — than the paesano Bill de Blasio of Brooklyn.

Fearing my future depended on it, I immediately clutched the muffin. But switching to your hands midway, as the mayor also did, simply makes you seem feckless as well as forkless; better to stick to your guns, and tines.

David Letterman’s Top Ten “Odd Habits of Mayor Bill de Blasio” on Monday featured this one: “Refers to himself as ‘Her Majesty.’ ”

Indeed, when F.D.R. served King George VI and his wife, Queen Elizabeth, their first hot dogs on a 1939 visit to America, the confused queen ate hers with a knife and fork, afraid to heed the president’s advice to pick it up and relish it.

Pizza can be hazardous to an administration. We all remember what happened when a Clinton intern delivered a pie to the Oval Office during a government shutdown.

But de Blasio’s offense was so trivial that the most irritating part was the labor-loving mayor’s labored explanation, grandly attributing it to “my ancestral homeland.”

“I have been in Italy a lot, and I picked up the habit for certain types of pizza,” he told reporters. “So when you have a pizza like this, it had a lot on it, I often start with a knife and fork but then I cross over to the American approach and pick it up when I go farther into the pizza. It’s a very complicated approach, but I like it.”

He sounded like a parody of the self-serious New York liberal, convinced he’s right about everything from the Sandinistas to stop-and-frisk to a slice in Staten Island.

De Blasio sounded alarmingly like Zosia Mamet’s mega-rambling character, fellow Brooklynite Shoshanna Shapiro, on a recent “Girls,” when she quizzes a quizzical Adam about his favorite utensil.

When he says, “I guess a fork,” she lectures: “O.K., that is crazy. Like, why would you want a cold metal prong stabbing you in the tongue when instead you could have food delivered into your mouth on, like, a cool, soft, pillowy cloud?”

The new mayor should have just laughed it off. Then he might not have ended up getting reduced to rubble by Jon Stewart, who asked “the champion of the middle class”: “Were you elected the mayor of Italy? No! Look out the window of the pizzeria. ... Do you see a Sistine Chapel or a Leaning Tower of Pisa? No, you don’t! You see several junkyards and a tanning salon.”

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Okay.  Well, so, you say, yes, that's interesting and kind of humorous...but where's the connection to Moebius?  Obviously Ms. Dowd is trying to be a bit funny, and to tie several things together and kind of observe the culture here...and to suggest too that, hey, there's nothing wrong with eating certain things with a knife and fork, why can't people make that choice for themselves?  Right.  Got it.  But where's the Moebius tie-in?

But I think it's here.  And what I'd tell Maureen Dowd is this--yes, interesting column.  And sure, I see nothing wrong with eating usually-hand-held foods with a knife and fork.  Know why?  Because for some of us with physical differences--for example, for some of us with Moebius--it's kinda necessary!

Don't others of you with Moebius feel this way?  And sometimes have to do this?  I mean, for us it's hard to completely close our mouths.  We kind of have to chew with our mouths open.  Thus for certain messy foods--say, for example, a blueberry muffin--it can be better to eat it with a knife and fork.  That way we don't spill!  (at least, that's the case for me).

So to me, not only is it an okay lifestyle choice to eat hand-held foods with a knife and fork...not only is it silly in my view to be "dismayed"  (as Ms. Dowd's boss once was) when somebody uses a knife and fork with a food that you usually wouldn't use on it...remember, folks:  some of us with physical differences HAVE to eat certain things with utensils.  It helps us eat cleaner and better.  Diversity is not just about race, class, gender, or ethnicity.  It's about so much more. 

DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

Good advice for absolutely anybody--but especially good if you're, say, a parent of a Moebius child (we all know how hectic your lives can be at times) or if you're a person with Moebius Syndrome (we all know the pressures and anxieties that everyday living can bring).  Read on:

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There are two types of people in this world: those who swoop up their accidentally dropped keys with no complaints and go along their merry way and those who, more often than not, can't pick them up without cursing or letting out a big, miserable sigh.

An insignificant occurrence, yes, but it's often the mundane incidents (a whining child, an on-the-fritz printer) that reveal how vastly different human temperaments can be, says Michael D. Robinson, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at North Dakota State University.

Some people take life's small slights and setbacks with a shrug, while others freak out, blow up, or fly off the proverbial handle in a loud huff or with silent seething. Why such a yawning gap in behavior? This is a question that scientists have only recently recognized as being significant to health.

Just as life's most challenging experiences can flood the bloodstream with stress hormones, the smallest hassles can take a toll as well, says Nancy Nicolson, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychiatry and psychology at Maastricht University in the Netherlands.

"The changes are small -- a 10 to 15% increase in cortisol levels in response to typical daily annoyances, as opposed to a 100 percent or more increase during very stressful events," like a college entrance exam. But these small fluctuations "happen more frequently and can have a cumulative effect," says Nicolson.

Feeling chronically stressed increases the risk of heart disease and weakens the immune system. It can also compromise some types of memory and learning, says Carmen Sandi, Ph.D., the director of the Brain Mind Institute at the École Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne in Switzerland. If we could all be more even-keeled (so we didn't sweat the small stuff), we would enhance our physical and mental health.

Recent research suggests that we can train ourselves to not sweat the small stuff. To be a more even-keeled person, first you need to think like one, says Rosalind S. Dorlen, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist in New Jersey. That means using mental strategies that exercise the region of the brain that's responsible for reasoning, so that it isn't overwhelmed by the part of the brain that's involved in emoting. To do that takes practice. Consider every irritating incident as a chance to work out the reasoning area in your brain and you'll realize that what constitutes a stressor is subjective and that little set-backs will ruin your day only if you let them.

Real Simple presented a few everyday nuisances to experts in the field of emotional regulation and asked, "What would an even-keeled person do?" Here are their answers.

You feel: Inconvenienced

The situation: You put off your errands. You canceled your lunch date. All so you could be home for the cable guy between 9 a.m. and 1 p.m. He never shows up.

How to stay calm: Reframe the circumstances. "Thinking differently calms down your brain's emotional region," says James Gross, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Stanford University. For instance, if you spent your morning lingering over coffee and the paper while waiting, try to view this as a rare, unexpected luxury instead of a waste of time.

It's also helpful to think of the big picture. As Dorlen puts it: "What's going on and how you end up feeling depend on where you point the lens." Perhaps the cable guy simply had more assignments than he could humanly keep up with. This is not to say that you should let it go. You absolutely should call the cable company and express your frustration. But by readjusting your perspective, you can voice your displeasure in a less angry way and still get results.

You feel: Defeated

The situation: You've prepared for a presentation for weeks, but you end up blanking on key points. Back at your desk, you're about to break down in tears as you replay the episode in your head over and over again.

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How to stay calm: Focus on the present. After all, "it's never the stress-inducing event that you're freaking out about," says Steven Berglas, Ph.D., a life coach in Los Angeles. "It's what you're afraid might happen because of it," whether that's being reprimanded by your boss or laughed at by your colleagues.

But that's not real at the moment; what's real is that you can take control of the situation. Quell the angst with an impromptu meditation session. Rick Hanson, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in San Francisco and the author of Hardwiring Happiness, suggests quietly taking a moment to breathe in and two slow moments to breathe out. "Inhaling speeds up the heart rate," he says, "and exhaling slows it down."

At the same time, say to yourself what you feel (I am upset), then let that label disappear from view. "Naming your emotions as you're feeling them reduces the activation of your emotional brain and engages your reasoning brain," says Hanson. Now you can focus on fixing the problem, which could be as simple as sending out a recap memo on your presentation that includes a summary and the points that you missed.

You feel: Anxious

The situation: Your husband is running late (though he swore he would be on time). Now you're going to be late for your appointment, and your toddler just wiped his nose on your skirt.

How to stay calm: Problem-solve. If even-keeled people rarely appear stressed, it's because they're too busy looking for answers. A tardy spouse and a soiled skirt aren't catastrophes to be cursed at but circumstances to be fixed. Dorlen suggests asking yourself, immediately after the offending incident happens, How am I going to solve this?

"Once you phrase the question in your mind, you have awakened the reasoning portion of your brain and put yourself in a position to find an answer," says Dorlen, the clinical psychologist. "You're no longer the victim of your emotions." Next, pretend that you're a coach with a game plan, such as pulling on a clean skirt, taking your child with you, and texting your husband to meet you at your appointment. Now take action.

You feel: Disrespected

The situation: Somehow, your offer to bring back coffee for an office mate has turned into an order for six complicated lattes. As you rattle off the list to the barista, you notice that she is rolling her eyes.

How to stay calm: Speak positively. To understand why this is important, it helps to know a little brain anatomy. The brain is made up of cognitive and emotional parts, and the emotional part is composed of various circuits, says Andrew Newberg, M.D., director of research in integrative medicine at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital, in Philadelphia.

These circuits include the reward system, which reinforces positive experiences, and the sympathetic nervous system, which connects the brain to the body and issues a fight-or-flight response when you feel stressed. Positive words (which we grew up associating with something pleasant, such as caring teachers) activate the reward system. Negative words (which we associate with something unpleasant, like playground bullies) spike angry or sad thoughts.

So, if you're not willing to let it go, say, with a good-natured laugh, "I know this long order is annoying. I wish I had a shorter list, too," as opposed to "Hey, you're rude!" The words will calm you, and they will also put the other person in a more generous frame of mind. "Our emotional states reflect those around us," says Newberg. If you speak pleasant words in a calm tone, chances are, the other person will reply with pleasant words in a calm tone. Starting the exchange in a peaceful way increases the chance that you'll be sipping on your espresso sooner rather than later.

You feel: Disappointed

The situation: You've been planning this cocktail party for weeks. Now that the big day is here, it's snowing. Heavily.

How to stay calm: Embrace optimism. "Behind every setback, there's an expectation that things should be different," says Dorlen.

Even-keeled people are no different, but when things don't go as planned, they feel hopeful that circumstances will get better. Which in this case may mean thinking, "with fewer people, our gathering will be much more intimate and relaxed. And who doesn't love that on a cold winter's night?"

"Optimism buffers the effects of stress—not only for everyday hassles but also for life-altering challenges," says Madelon Peters, Ph.D., a professor of experimental health psychology at Maastricht University. Optimism is also associated with resilience. That's why optimists are better able to bounce back after difficult times.

While it's tough for natural-born pessimists to don rose-colored glasses instantly, they can condition their brains so that it gets easier to do so over time. In a 2011 study published in the Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, women who participated for two weeks in an imagery and writing exercise in which they imagined an optimal future reported a sustained increase in optimism compared with those who wrote about random topics.

To try this technique, imagine yourself 10 years from now under the best possible, yet still realistic, circumstances. Write down specific details. (Where do you live? What do you love about your life?) Then spend five minutes each day visualizing these details. "Imagery can create vivid and, in this case, positive emotional responses. These images and associated emotions end up living in your memory almost as if they were real," says Peters. In the short term, compared with the world created in your mind, the once unbelievably aggravating everyday letdowns may become small and surmountable.

The biology of chill

Anyone can become more even-keeled using the mental strategies on these pages, but naturally irascible personalities might need to put in a little extra effort. Temperament, after all, is partly genetic. Think of the brain as a seesaw: On one side are the frontal lobes, the region associated with reasoning; on the opposite side is the amygdala, where emotions, both good and bad, are generated. In between, where the imaginary fulcrum sits, is the anterior cingulate, which mediates the opposing forces.

In each person, one side is inherently more influential than the other, explains neuro-scientist Andrew Newberg, M.D. What results is a person's temperament (an internal balance or emotional tone), which can shift further to one side or the other depending on external forces. These forces can be traumatic (a divorce), annoying (traffic), or health-related (poor-quality sleep, inadequate nutrition—both of which can trigger chemical changes that compromise brain activity).

For a hotheaded type, whose brain already seesaws toward the emotional side, negative events can exacerbate imbalance. For an even-keeled personality, the brain may tip over to the emotional side only ever so slightly. No matter which group you fall into, just a small push toward the reasoning area of the brain can mean the difference between a run-in with a colleague that ruins your entire weekend and one that you can leave at the office without a second thought.

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FRIDAY FOOTBALL PICKS

Today I just thought I'd pick the NFL playoff games for this weekend.  No way I'll make .500 for this entire season, but hey, so far in the playoffs I'm 3-1.  Let's see how I do this weekend:

New Orleans at Seattle.  My pick:  SEAHAWKS.  What goes into this pick is simple.  What do the Saints mainly want to do?  Have Drew Brees throw the ball.  But Seattle has the defense and especially the corners to really slow that down.  Weather reports for Seattle tomorrow indicate rain and 30 mph winds; that won't help Brees either.  These teams played a month ago or so and Seattle won convincingly.  I expect New Orleans to give a better account of itself this time, and it would not shock me if this was a significantly closer game.  But you have to pick Seattle here.

Indianapolis at New England.  My pick:  PATRIOTS.  You have to admire Andrew Luck and the Colts for that brilliant comeback last week.  One for the ages, no doubt.  But:  the Colts have that horrible penchant of falling behind early.  Doesn't seem like they've corrected that--and that will be death in this game.  This time their opponent isn't KC; it's Tom Brady and the Pats.  New England is unbeaten at home; the weather won't be great, and the Pats are used to it (the Colts meanwhile are a dome team); and Brady always seems to play well in the playoffs.  The Patriots will find a way to win this one.

San Francisco at Carolina.  My pick:  PANTHERS.  Here I think I'm going against conventional wisdom a bit.  Many like the Niners here.  After all, they were a Super Bowl team last year.  But:  this game is in Carolina.  The Panthers have a terrific defense, and that's been proven.  If you don't know who Carolina LB Luke Kuechly is, you will find out--he is one of the best defensive players in the game today.  So Carolina can go toe to toe with SF.  They beat them in SF earlier this year.  Cam Newton is tough to corral and his running ability can really cause a defense problems.  It's tough to go to 2 straight Super Bowls--San Francisco will find that out this weekend when a young, hungry team like Carolina knocks them off.

San Diego at Denver.  My pick:  BRONCOS.  Yes, we know; San Diego won in Denver a month ago.  Philip Rivers is playing well; so is their defense and run game.  This seems like a juicy upset pick.  And yet--Denver and Peyton Manning know what happened a month ago, too.  They've had time to prepare.  Most still think Denver is the better team overall--and so do I.  And I think that will show itself--look for that Denver offense to move the ball, score, and thus outscore a game Chargers squad.

IMPORTANT FOR TEENS: A HEALTHY BODY IMAGE

And while this is good for all teens, it of course is especially important to foster if your teen has Moebius Syndrome.  What I would tell such a teen is this:  Do you look like everyone else?  No.  But NOBODY "looks like everyone else."  We are all unique; we all have our own looks.  And your look is just fine.  Or, as the mom quoted in the story below says:

"As long as we're healthy and taking care of ourselves ... the way we are made is the way we are made and we should accept ourselves."

Read more about it:

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Six years ago, Dawn Larkin-Wallace, a mom of three, took up running to lose that 10 to 20 pounds of baby weight that just wouldn't go away.

She figured once she dropped the weight, she'd be off the treadmill.

What she could have never imagined is that she'd become a marathon runner who inspired her three children to start running, too.

"We're just a running family," said Larkin-Wallace of Baldwin, New York, who is part of the running club Black Girls RUN!, a national group encouraging African-American women to make health and fitness a priority.

First, Larkin-Wallace signed up 15-year-old daughter Kayla, a high school sophomore, for a race after realizing that the amount of running she did during her soccer games was the equivalent of a 5K.

With the "positive peer pressure ... and the competitive spirit" that exists in the Wallace household, she said with a laugh, "of course, her brother and sister decided that that's something they wanted to do, too."

Kimberly, 11, and Kevin Jr., 9, ran their first 5K's this year.

Larkin-Wallace said her goal is for "healthy living to become a lifestyle and not just a fad" among her kids, who also play a range of sports from basketball to soccer to lacrosse.

What she's also very mindful of is encouraging her children, especially her girls, to feel good about their bodies. A recent study found that two in three 13-year-olds worry about gaining weight.

Helping her girls feel good about their bodies

"It's always on my mind, and I have African-American daughters. ... I have to help them understand that because their body type is different than others doesn't make one better or more right than the other," she said during a conversation with her family in their home.

"As long as we're healthy and taking care of ourselves ... the way we are made is the way we are made and we should accept ourselves."

That isn't always easy, she added, especially when she goes clothes shopping with her girls.

"Total meltdown in the dressing room trying on jeans and I'm like, 'Well, Kayla, everything is not cut for everybody so you just have to find what works for you,'" said Larkin-Wallace.

"It's something I live with. It's something my mom lives with. She's going to have to live with it. It's just the way it is. (You) just have to find what manufacturer or designer works for you and live a healthy lifestyle and love yourself."

But what makes that harder than when Larkin-Wallace was growing up is that today's teenagers are inundated with messages in the media "telling them that they either need to be superskinny or they need to have this unrealistic ... video-girl body," said Ashley Hicks, who co-founded Black Girls RUN! in 2009. The organization, with 70 groups across the country, has approximately 60,000 members.

And it's not just girls who are experiencing body image problems. Boys are also flooded with images of what a manly man is supposed to look like, which can be just as harmful as the media's depiction of girls.

Hicks said the best way to counteract those messages is by "showcasing that not everyone who runs or is fit is a size 2 or a size 4. They're going to be size 8s and 10s and 12s and 14s."

"A lot of people are going to have curves and there's nothing wrong with that."

"Do I look fat?"

Up against the media, some parents might feel helpless when it comes to helping their teens develop a positive body image, but there's a lot that parents can do, said Anne Wennerstrand, a psychotherapist in private practice in Katonah, New York, who works with teens and parents to treat and prevent eating and body image problems.

CNN's Kelly Wallace: "Four words I try to never utter around my girls -- 'Do I look fat?'"

How we talk about our own bodies directly affects how our children might feel about theirs, she said.

"Are we asking 'Do I look fat?' or are we making excessive comments about appearance even in casual conversation?" said Wennerstrand, who is also on the faculty of The Women's Therapy Centre Institute.

"If parents can raise their own awareness of how much they're commenting about appearance, how critical do they feel of their own bodies, that's really where it starts."

Dr. Larissa Hirsch, medical editor for KidsHealth.org, added, "It's just hard for a teenager to grow up in a household where someone is constantly saying 'I look fat in this' and not internalize some of that."

The best advice for parents, Hirsch said, is to focus less on appearance and more on health, internal qualities and "things that your body can do, rather than how your body appears."

"Compliment them on things that have nothing to do with appearance: how well they shared with their brother, how nicely they stood up for their friend, how generous they were, things of that nature, trying to be supportive and positive and showing the importance of things that have less to do with appearance and more to do with the type of person you are," said Hirsch.

Starting healthy early

Parents can also help their kids by showing them, even when they're little, how to be healthy. That means a lifestyle that includes physical activity, but also eating right, and not making the mistake of missing meals and eating too much fast food and too many desserts.

"Seeing what the parents eat, that makes a big impact," Hirsch said. "Keep your kitchen stocked with healthy options. It's hard when you go to the kitchen to get something to eat and the things that you see are all of these snack foods that are filled with fat and salt and calories."

Helping children develop healthy habits early, even as young as elementary school or in the tween years, can set them on a healthy lifestyle path into their teens and beyond, said Toni Carey, the other co-founder of Black Girls RUN!

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In her early years and all through middle school, Carey said she was the "chubby kid in class," and that it wasn't until her adult years that she really started to take care of herself.

"I look back on that time and think, 'Wow, what if I started running in middle school or high school or just creating healthy habits, it wouldn't be so difficult now,'" Carey said.

"So that's why, we know that the moms are the key to making things happen in the household. If mom is being healthy and eating right, then everybody else will, too."

That's definitely the case in the Wallace household, where the children are following mom's lead in the kitchen and on the running track, and seem very comfortable with how they look.

"When you exercise and you feel good, it's like I don't need to look like a Victoria's Secret model," said 15-year-old Kayla. "I just need to feel healthy about myself."

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HEROINE OF THE DAY

A young lady, with a major physical difference of her own, urges American Girl to make a doll with a disability.  Do it, AG!  Read more about it:

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For as long as she can remember, 10-year-old Melissa Shang has battled Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease, a form of muscular dystrophy. The incurable genetic disease damages nerves — causing debilitating muscle weakness and numbness — and requires Melissa to use a wheelchair or walker to get around.
When she was 7, Melissa fell in love with American Girl dolls, the pricey must-have toy of young girls from coast to coast and beyond. She cajoles her college-student sister to play dolls with her on trips home. The dolls and their accessories top every birthday and Christmas wish list.
But most of all, Melissa loves the dolls’ tales of overcoming obstacles. In books and movies, modern American Girls face reading difficulties, bullying and other challenges, while historical dolls tangle with troubles arising from slavery to war to the Great Depression.
The dolls haven’t, though, ever had to deal with a life-altering disability like Melissa’s.
Now, Melissa is hoping to change that. The Philadelphia-area fifth-grader, and her sister, YingYing, 17, have started a petition on Change.org to urge the Wisconsin-based American Girl company to make its 2015 Girl of the Year doll a character with a disability.
“For once, I don’t want to be invisible or a side character that the main American Girl has to help: I want other girls to know what it’s like to be me, through a disabled American Girl’s story,” Melissa wrote on her petition.
“Disabled girls might be different from normal kids on the outside. They might sit in a wheelchair like I do, or have some other difficulty that other kids don’t have. However, we are the same as other girls on the inside, with the same thoughts and feelings. American Girls are supposed to represent all the girls that make up American history, past and present. That includes disabled girls.”
YingYing posted the petition Dec. 28 and it now has more than 60,000 signatures.
American Girl couldn’t be reached for comment because its corporate offices were closed for the holidays. The company does sell a wheelchair, crutches and related “get-well” accessories, but they don’t come with a story and “assume that the doll is injured, that her disability is not a permanent thing. That’s still not quite enough,” YingYing said.
The sisters’ crusade came about after a conversation they had about American Girl’s Girl of the Year doll for 2014, a blond ballerina named Isabelle, YingYing said.
“My sister was like, ‘Wow, another blond girl who’s a dancer,’” YingYing said. “So we started talking about who she wanted to see in an American Girl.”
Melissa wanted to see someone like herself.
“I learned what it was like to be a horseback rider and a gymnast from reading about [American Girl dolls] Saige and McKenna. But I want other kids to understand what it’s like to be a disabled girl,” Melissa said.
On one hand, girls with disabilities are like any other girl, said Melissa, who has a sweet singing voice and dreams of becoming a music teacher. But her disabilities create challenges unimaginable for many, she said.
For example, her teacher kept her from going on a school field trip to a farm last fall, worried about her safety. And Melissa spends recess talking with friends on the edges of the playground, while her classmates jump rope, play hopscotch or swing across the monkey bars.
“Muscular dystrophy prevents activities for me that other people take for granted, like running and ice-skating,” she said.
The girls decided to draft a Change.org petition to crusade for a doll with a disability because they were inspired by McKenna Pope, the 12-year-old New Jersey girl who petitioned Hasbro to make a gender-neutral Easy Bake Oven for her little brother. That December 2012 petition garnered more than 45,000 signatures.
YingYing said she’s thrilled by the overwhelming support their petition has gotten so far.
“I think this resounds with people because people with disabilities are more prevalent than depicted in mainstream media,” said YingYing, a Harvard University freshman. “People live with disabilities every day, visible and invisible, and they don’t feel represented. American Girl has been so accepting and diverse so far. It’s just a shame that they’re missing this.”
If American Girl listens, Melissa has a few ideas for names: “Angela or Heather. Those are my favorite names,” she said.
What about Melissa?
“That would be cool, too,” she said.

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HAPPY NEW YEAR

And we're back.  This blog took some time off for the holidays, but now it's time to get back to it and do some more Moebius musing. 

But you know, before we put the holidays behind us, think of this:  really, one of the little stories that our kids so enjoy during the Christmas holiday season should have a connection to us.  Which story?  Simple--the tale of Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer.

Think about it.  What happens?  Rudolph is born with a shiny red nose (you could even have said it glows!).  Translation:  he looked different.  As the hour-long animated show about Rudolph televised every Christmas season on CBS details, his parents at first couldn't deal with it.  They were ashamed of a physical difference.  They tried to hide it.  Of course, this doesn't work.

And then when Rudolph's red nose is exposed, the other reindeer laugh at him.  He becomes an object of ridicule.  They won't let him play in any more reindeer games!  Translation:  Rudolph is kind of bullied.

How many of us with Moebius have experienced at least some form of this kind of treatment?  Answer:  many of us have.

Now of course, for Rudolph everything turned out all right.  And how it turned out for him has lessons for us, too.  Rudolph's red nose helps get Santa out of a tight spot.  His difference then is just that--a difference.  It isn't bad.  It can even be good.  So can our Moebius (we for example can spread awareness of physical differences to our friends and acquaintances, and teach them about being more open and tolerant). 

Having a physical difference is nothing to be ashamed of.  There's no reason to hide it or pretend it doesn't exist.  Instead, we are who we are, and it's all good.  It was good for Rudolph, and it's good for us.  And as we take away our memories from this past holiday season, that lesson of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is a good one to hold on to, as well.  Happy New Year to all!