ADVICE FOR MOEBIUS PARENTS AND OTHERS

Today, I've adapted a couple of advice columns that I thought those in our community would find helpful.

First:  do you feel overwhelmed?:

*************************************

How do I stop feeling so . . . small? I feel like I’m failing some “grown-up” test, overwhelmed with the children, aging parents, sick husband, workplace stress (I think I work with a bully), too little money, too many wants, and just fatigue.
Did our parents feel like this and I just didn’t get the memo that adulthood is this hard? Am I solely responsible for making my life different? Where do I start that?
I have this thought that I am supposed to stop bailing water long enough to find the leak, but I also think I might take the ship down if I slow down enough for that. And then I talk to other moms, wives, friends, and they have time to do things like watch TV, which sounds really blissful right now.

Well, I guess I found the time to get here, so life isn’t that draconian. But I’m finding it hard to move right now.
Feeling Small and Trapped
Caregiving on three fronts while also holding down a job is legitimately exhausting and scary.
Relief is out there: If your husband has a serious or chronic illness, chances are there’s a support group and possibly respite care. There are also services available on the “aging parents” front, via Eldercare.gov . If your kids are still young enough to need constant supervision, a mother’s helper in the form of a teenage neighbor who comes over an evening or two a week, for not much money, can be worth every scarce penny.
I know you’re looking for bigger answers here, and I have some: We’re all small, in the scheme of things. And, yes, our parents felt like this sometimes, though what overwhelmed them and how they sought relief were probably different. History and the present never want for examples of human hardship.
And joy, pushing up through the cracks.
Sometimes all any of us can do is keep taking small steps, small steps, small steps to get us through whatever (dirt) storm has parked itself over our heads, and accept relief where we can find it. We do get through, though — nothing you describe is permanent.

*******************************

Second:  what if you are overwhelmed...with grief?:

******************************

Six months ago, a good friend died of cancer. Four months ago, my beloved dog died. One month ago, another good friend died of cancer. Four weeks ago, our beloved rescued-from-a-puppy-mill 3-year-old dog died from cancer. Two weeks ago, a much-loved close relative tried to commit suicide. One week ago, I found out I’m being laid off from a job I love and have been very good at for 16 years. I’m 60 years old, and the thought of looking for another job fills me with dread.
Yesterday, we had to have another elderly dog put down. I’m feeling overwhelmed.
I know these things happen to everyone. I tell myself that I’ve got a good life — we can live on my husband’s salary, our house is paid for, we have enough to eat, we won’t be destitute or even suffer much from the loss of my salary. My husband is wonderful and very supportive. But I can’t logic myself out of my grief.

How do you tell when grief becomes just feeling sorry for yourself? A week for a dog, a month for a friend, a couple of months for your career? How do you make it go away?
Grieving
I’m so sorry. That is a staggering number of losses in a short period of time. Of course you’re reeling.
You don’t “make” grief “go away,” though. In my experience, at least, it doesn’t work that way — and the idea of a set time to feel bad (and its companion idea, that there’s a time past which you aren’t supposed to feel bad) is anathema to grief.
It’s more like weather, where you just experience it until it eventually passes . . . and you know it’s going to come back sometimes when you least expect it. It’s perfectly normal, and healthy, to feel a wave of grief out of nowhere years after a loss. Not only will some part of you always miss a lost companion, you will also always remember the pain of a death. Not every waking minute, but when you’re reminded somehow, sure. Or just when your brain decides to go knock-knock, remember this?
It seems you’ve been going this alone, armed with logic and an inclination to be rather hard on yourself. While grief is something you do feel and deal with individually, you can work through it collectively. A grief support group might be just what you need, a place to feel that it’s normal, and not your fault, to be filled with dread. Your husband sounds understanding and patient; consider taking his cue and being more patient with yourself.


******************************************