SOME DATING ADVICE

I know many of my Moebius friends out there are dating people; or are thinking about dating people.  Or at least they want to date people.  So the question always comes up:  what constitutes (for example) a good first date?  How do you know that you've had a good first date with someone?  And what are some red flags that maybe, if your date exhibits them, should send you running for the hills?  Mainly, to me the important thing is:  be willing to run for the hills if necessary.  Meaning:  don't settle.  Don't be desperate.  Don't assume that just anybody willing to go out with you is therefore good enough for you.

And meanwhile, here's some other danger signs to watch out for:

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By Dr. Seth Meyers

You’ve probably heard everyone from your grandma to Dr. Phil warn you about red flags in romantic relationships, and I’ve got a few to add to the list! I’ve found in my clinical work with singles and couples that there are a few red flags that are more serious — or redder, if you will — than others. If you break into a mild sweat as you read the list below, it can’t mean something good!

Drinking too much. There’s no question that dating can be stressful and intimidating, and that a little alcohol can help grease the wheels and put you at ease. But what about the date who drinks too much? Walk away, period. There’s no need to expand any further — you’ll know it when you see it, and you have to kick that date to the curb right away. Don’t overthink it — just do it and thank me for it later.
Asking questions that are extremely personal. Saying “yes” to an invitation for a date does not grant your date a VIP pass to your most private thoughts and feelings. If it’s one of the first few dates, the questions asked and comments shared should be fairly generic. At this point, each of you is trying to get enough information quickly to determine whether there is sufficient interest, attraction and similarity to support having a full-fledged relationship. It’s natural to share some basic details of your life and to ask your date some basic details about his or hers, but going any deeper should be reserved for people whom you know well and trust.
Asking or talking about sex. If your date talks about what he or she likes sexually or asks what you like on one of the first dates, your date just might be a sex addict. (I wish I were kidding.) This is a serious red flag (showing no respect for boundaries) and you need to walk the other direction when you see it early in a dating relationship.
Acts rudely or disrespectfully to others during the date. It never fails: I hear people say every day that they didn’t see the warning signs until it was too late. Actually, what really happens is that the warning signs are noted but are then swept under the rug in an anxious plea to block out the negative and only see the positive. If you are on a date with someone who acts rudely to wait staff, cashiers or others, don’t set off on a sermon about how to treat people — save your energy for someone better. Trust me: If you choose to continue dating, sooner or later you will end up on the receiving end of that nastiness.

Talking about an ex negatively. No joke: Head for the hills if your date starts mouthing off about his or her ex. Relationships rarely end because of the fault of only one member of the couple, so anyone who speaks badly about an ex on a date lacks insight into why the relationship really failed. When someone speaks badly about an ex so soon with someone new, it’s a clear sign that he or she is still bitter and angry. Starting a new relationship while you still feel bitter about your ex is like a carrying a suitcase of gasoline into the new relationship. A new relationship that is overloaded with negativity too soon will inevitably crash and burn.
Having a jealous streak. Believe it or not, jealous lovers are obvious from the start. If you’re on a date with someone who has a jealous streak, you can identify that streak by looking for the following signs: asking too many questions about your past relationships; asking too many questions about the type of person you’re attracted to; tracking your eyes when you’re out and following them to see who you’re looking at; and asking you questions that seem too specific about who you socialize with on any given occasion. I believe completely in the possibility for someone to change, but jealousy is one of the harder traits to treat and it takes a long time in therapy (often a couple years or more) for the jealous individual to understand what causes the jealousy and to learn how to let it go.
Too good to be true. Ever notice a pillow propped up on a couch that has a nifty little proverb stitched or needle-pointed on it? Well, the world is littered with decorative pillows that offer some sort of expression about how things that appear too good to be true often really are too good to be true. It’s natural on a date to put your best foot forward, but it’s not natural to lie. In the best case scenario, the person who appears too good to be true is actually insecure and anxious, and feels that he or she has to embellish facts out of an underlying fear that he or she isn’t interesting enough. In the worst case scenario, the person who appears too good to be true is sociopathic. Either way, don’t pursue it!
In this article, I have captured only a few of the most serious red flags. Beware these red flags, in particular, and protect yourself emotionally with all your might.

Dr. Seth Meyers has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of "Dr. Seth’s Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve."

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OUTRAGE OF THE DAY

Since, after all, yesterday we had an inspirational story of the day.  Today therefore we go to the dark side.  And this is indeed dark--somebody suggests that an autistic boy be "euthanized."  We still have work to do when it comes to raising awareness.  But the fact that there's so much outrage over this is a good sign, too:

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Police are investigating after an anonymous letter suggesting that a teen with autism should be euthanized stunned his family and led to widespread outrage and media attention.
The typed, one-page letter was reportedly sent to Brenda Millson last week in reference to her grandson Maxwell Begley, 13, who has autism and often spends time at her house in Newcastle, Ontario. It has since spread like wildfire through social media.
“He is a hinderance to everyone,” reads the message signed by “One pissed off mother!!!!!”
“Take whatever non retarded body parts he possesses and donate it to science,” says the letter, which claims to be from a neighbor. “Do the right thing and move or euthanize him.”
The note left Begley’s family shaking.
“It made me sick to my stomach to think that somebody hated my son that much and they didn’t even know him,” Maxwell’s mom, Karla Begley, told the Toronto Star. “But they just hated him because he was different. That’s the only reason they had to hate him.”
Since the story went viral, however, the family has been touched by the outpouring of support they’ve received from their local community and around the world, telling Clarington This Week that their phone has been ringing off the hook with interview requests.
Local community members have come together to organize events supporting the family and a Facebook group started Tuesday already has more than 2,300 members.
“It restores my faith in humanity that this has really rallied people,” Karla Begley told Clarington This Week.
Local police are conducting a criminal investigation into the matter but have already ruled out the possibility of pursuing hate crimes charges in the case.
“Despite the hateful language used, the Crown Attorney’s office has advised that the content of the letter falls below the threshold for a hate crime. However, there are other Criminal Code issues that are being considered,” the Durham Regional Police said in a statement.

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"If you want to go fast, go alone.  If you want to go far, go together."--African proverb.

INSPIRATIONAL STORY OF THE DAY

Today we meet a DJ with a physical difference--but not just any physical difference:  he's deaf.  Doesn't slow him down.  And he has lessons for all of us, whether you have your own physical difference (a la Moebius) or you don't.  Read on:

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In the Human Factor, we profile survivors who have overcome the odds. Confronting a life obstacle -- injury, illness or other hardship -- they tapped their inner strength and found resilience they didn't know they possessed. This week we introduce you to DJ Robbie Wilde, who literally has to feel the music he spins; he's been deaf since he was 7.
(CNN) -- My early childhood was a bit of a trip. I was born in the United Kingdom, then moved to Portugal, Venezuela and eventually New Jersey.

When I was about 7, I had a series of severe ear infections. At the time, my family had no money, and we didn't have insurance, so there was no option to take care of it. I ended up losing full hearing in my right ear and 80% hearing in my left.

When I began attending public school, I didn't understand how the severity of my hearing loss would affect me; neither did my parents or my teachers. There were many issues when it came to grades due to miscommunication between the teachers and me. They often thought I was ignoring them.

Eventually, when I was 11, my parents started to pick up on it, which led to a doctor visit. My mother and I were told that I had significant hearing loss and that the hearing I had left was not guaranteed to stay.

My mother had a hard time dealing with the news at first. It was one more obstacle that we were going to have to deal with as a family, and she knew it was bound to cause a hard time for me at school.

When it came time to decide whether to go to a school for the deaf or continue in public school, I made the choice to stay where I was. My mother was a bit uncomfortable with the situation, but my fear of being labeled as different played a big part in my decision.

I also decided I was just going to keep my hearing loss to myself.

Eventually my friends figured it out. It didn't really change anything between us, but from time to time, some other kids would make fun of me.

One day in middle school a kid started making fun of me and mocked his own stereotypical idea of what a deaf person would speak like. One of my good friends, Chad Foster, stopped me from thinking or doing anything negative and told me it wasn't worth it. He said there will always be ignorant people like that in life, and I just have to brush it off -- to be me and that's all that mattered. He also told me he had my back.

But I still had trouble looking at school the same way. That incident brought reality into my life at an early age, so I kept to myself with my close friends.

My career as a DJ began in college. My parents owned a restaurant, and my father gave me the opportunity to DJ a party one night. I immediately fell in love with the turntables and began to DJ more and more. From there I started DJ'ing at clubs in the tri-state area, from New Jersey to New York to Connecticut, and eventually also in Atlanta and Chicago.

I started to get a following in those states, even as I continued to attend Kean University to get my bachelor's degree in biology. Then I had to drop out of college my junior year due to financial trouble in a bad economy.

However, I stuck with my passion of spinning music, and after nearly a decade, I was granted a great opportunity. Hewlett-Packard took notice of what I was doing and what my movement stood for. We shot and aired a global commercial, which began a positive snowball effect for my career.

Doctors tell me there is a procedure that could restore my hearing. One day, when I have the time and money to get my hearing fixed, I probably will have the procedure done. But right now, I need to be on the forefront with my team, fighting for the issues in society that are too often overlooked. I intend to do so through my career in music and philanthropy.

Plus, there are just some things in life better off not being heard.

When it comes down to it, life's not about all the small negative things you encounter. It's about being yourself and doing what you love to be happy. If you love something so much and have great passion for it, then just go for it. My team and I like to use the expression "Why not ... ?"

Just ask yourself, why not?

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"Why not?"--Robbie Wilde

FOR MOEBIUS MOMS AND DADS: SCHOOL IS STARTING, SO...

...so I wanted to return to one of my favorite themes.  I've talked about it before on this blog.  But now, with fall approaching and school starting pretty much everywhere, maybe it's a good time to return to it again.  Namely:  yes, school is starting.  And maybe your child with Moebius Syndrome is shy...very shy, perhaps.  You worry about this.  So what to do, what to do?  Here's one piece of free advice; and let's break it down, piece by piece:

1] Yes, you worry about your child.  He or she has Moebius.  Maybe he's shy around other kids.  She doesn't make friends easily.

2] I think then that one of the important things for Moebius parents to think about is:  look, you need not make a big deal out of it.  This is really not unexpected, right?

3] Because look, you KNOW to a degree, at least, why your child is shy.  He or she looks different, sounds different.  Maybe at times other kids stare at him.  That can be hard to deal with.  It's no fun.  It can make you shy.

4] And always remember, parents--if you don't have Moebius, then you cannot know what it's like to deal with what your child is dealing with.  You can't know what it's like to be "different" in that way, to have other people stare at you, at times glare at you and show their discomfort, at your difference.  Only someone who's been there can truly know.

5] So therefore:  look, don't wonder _why_ your child is shy.  Don't ask him or her why they're shy.  Don't act like it's some mystery.  Don't be mystified by it.  Because you know where the shyness comes from, at least where a good deal of it originates from--it's from the fact he or she has Moebius Syndrome.

6] And so:  DON'T GET FRUSTRATED.  No, of course you don't want your child to be shy, or to be a hermit.  Yes, you want to encourage him or her to get out, and make friends.  But it may take time.  Be sure and show understanding, love, and patience.  It's hard to look different.  It's hard when others stare.  Sometimes it's no fun to go through.  Sometimes kids (and adults, too!) need a break from that.  Yes, for you, when you were younger, it wasn't hard for you to meet new people.  It wasn't so difficult for you to make new friends.  For your child with Moebius it's much harder.  Don't be angered by it.  Don't be too frustrated by it.

Just try to understand.  And again, to show the love, understanding, and patience that your child needs.

BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU LOVE YOUR PETS

And so many with Moebius Syndrome do just that.  And hey, it makes sense--your pets will never judge you, no matter how "different" society thinks you look.  So, pet lovers, this one's for you.  And it's an interesting question:  is yawning contagious--not between people--but between you and your pets???  Read on:

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Yawning when you see someone else yawn is thought to signal empathy. About half of all people do it contagiously. Now researchers have confirmed what many pet owners have long suspected: Dogs, too, are contagious yawners.
In a series of experiments carried out on two dozen breeds, from poodles to pit bulls, researchers found that when a dog watched either a stranger or its owner yawn, the dog was far more likely to yawn in response to its owner. Dogs in the study also demonstrated that, for the most part, they could not be duped. They responded frequently to genuine yawns, but less so to fake yawns in which people simply stretched and then opened and closed their mouths without making noise.
Imaging studies show that in people, contagious yawning activates brain regions involved in imitation, social behavior and empathy. But contagious yawning is not distinctly human. It has been demonstrated in birds, apes and most vertebrate species. One study showed that chimpanzees exposed to videos of other yawning chimps will inevitably yawn themselves.
Previous studies have suggested that dogs could “catch” the yawns of sleepy people. But if so, it was not clear why. Some researchers called it a sign of the bonding between man and his best friend. Others argued that perhaps the behavior in dogs was just a result of mild stress or anxiety.
In the new study, which was published in the journal PLoS One, the scientists had the dogs wear heart rate monitors, which indicated that stress did not play a role. That the dogs were more frequently influenced by the yawns of their owners than those of strangers, the researchers said, suggesting that empathy and “emotional proximity” were the more likely factors.
“Dogs are unusually skilled at reading human social and communicative behaviors,” they wrote. “Thus, it is not surprising that they are also able to ‘catch’ human yawns.”

THE BOTTOM LINE

Studies suggest that yawning between dogs and their owners may be contagious.

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DO YOU HATE WHAT YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR?

There are too many today who do.  Many of them don't have Moebius Syndrome, or anything like it.  But maybe there are a few of you out there, who have Moebius or some other physical difference, who feel this same way.  Maybe you feel like no one will ever want you.  Maybe you believe you don't, and never can, live up the societal, idealized version of what "beauty" or "good looks" is supposed to be.

But dion't go down that path.  Read the following essay--it was written by a young woman who DID go down that path...but was able to see the light.  Read what she has to say:

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Editor's note: Colleen Deitrich, a youth advocate for a nonprofit organization in Liverpool, New York, has struggled with weight and body image issues all her life. She first shared her powerful personal essay on CNN iReport.

(CNN) -- I have lived the vast majority of my life hating my physical appearance.

I am overweight, with kinky red hair that has a life of its own, and thick glasses I've needed since I was seven. I was the antithesis of beauty, as far as I was concerned. They say that mirrors are a window to the soul. What havoc was my soul able to wreak, this monster standing before me?

I was never thin or graceful. As a little girl I was average-sized at best. But after age 10, when I began experiencing the changes that come with puberty, I became more stout and large-boned.

In middle school, I hardly noticed. I was too busy fending off the bullies who pulled my hair, and desperately trying to cling to the few friends who hadn't betrayed me for a better crowd.

I was bullied all around. A lot of people I hung out with talked about me behind my back.

Admittedly, I ate to cope. Food never let me down.

By high school, I was doing what every teen girl does...I read magazines. Mischa Barton, Rachel Bilson, Mila Kunis, and Jessica Simpson, all lithe, flawless women, graced the covers of them all.

I felt like if I didn't aspire to be like the women on Cosmo, I'd become an unlovable person. No man would want to touch me, and no girl would want to be seen near me.

I noticed all of the skinny girls in school got the most attention from boys. I was standing off to the sidelines as some of my own friends paired off and left me to my own devices. I continued to eat as I was judged.

"No one could ever love me." This was my way of thinking up until recently, and it was an idea that I had militantly drilled into my head since childhood, thanks to the media, as well as the criticisms of my family (though my mother was well-intentioned).

For a long time in high school, little things she'd say, like "You don't need to eat now" or "Your face is getting rounder" stuck in the back of my head. I'm sure she wasn't aware of how deep my issues ran at the time, and that she was only doing what all mothers do: help their kids to be their best.

I was convinced I was an alien species every time I studied my body in the mirror. Human girls were small, delicate, and lovely. I always saw this creature of unfamiliar shape, size, and structure staring back at me, copying my movements. I had different abilities. My home was on a different planet in different star system. I was just waiting for my space ship to drop in my backyard to take me home.

But, no ship was coming to scoop me up. I needed to find a way to escape, or to hide. Yes, hide. I felt society wanted me to hide.

With college came the 180-degree flip that took me in the other direction.

I fell for this really attractive guy. He always dated really thin women, and I caught on. I regret that I ignored all of the warnings I got from my friends about him being shallow and self-interested, because I realize now that his rejection of me was what triggered my spiral. I never even told him how I felt, but a lot of my friends had heard him talking about how ugly, fat and strange I was.

I no longer ate to excess. I drank some, but mainly I abused my body with over-exercising and purging what little food I had taken in.

I reached a weight lower than my high school average my senior year. I was fainting in class and still embarrassed by my body, but I was lighter.

Yet somehow, I wasn't light enough. Still? Everyone still wants me to hide?

Should I obey? Should I hide my fat? Should I straighten my hair and get contacts? Should I learn how to do "feminine" hobbies like knitting or texting? Should I try to assimilate? Will that really change what I see in the mirror? Will it save my soul and make my future brighter? Will the people I attract be worth the effort? Will they be sincere? Will I be sincere? Who am I answering to?

Not long after school, this past October, I was caught by my little sister in an act of purging in the basement, in spite of my cautionary running of the loud, metallic ceiling fan to mask the retching sounds I made.

Scared, she told my mother, who sat and cried on my bed with me as I finally let my secrets spill out into the open. I was ashamed, lonely, gross and hungry. And I was angry. At my mother. At my sister. At society.

Okay. So I wasn't angry with any of them. I was only angry at that Girl in the Mirror. She would never change her identity, even if she changed her jeans size. I knew now who she was: Me. I should only have to answer to myself. What do I think?

My revelation occurred that average afternoon as I gazed at my image. I spoke softly, my lips barely moving. I realized I'm a person. There is more to me than meets the eye.

I am a pacifist, a lover, an inspirer, a friend to animals, a sister, a daughter, a woman. My body is just my Tupperware container for all of these special things. The things you can't see in a reflection.

The mirror couldn't tell me this. It couldn't even speak. Only I could make the mirror speak.

The mirror said, "Hate yourself."

I gave it a death glare that could strike fear into the heart of a warlord. My declaration of war was silent from my lips, but earth-splitting in my eyes.

"Make me."

The mirror shattered. I have finally won. I went to reward myself with a delicious plate of strawberries that I had no intention of throwing up.

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"The mirror shattered.  I have finally won."--Colleen Deitrich

WHY TELL OTHERS ABOUT YOUR MOEBIUS?

This is an issue that comes up frequently for those of us with Moebius.  If you are interviewing with an employer...or have a new boss at work...or have met a new possibly-could-be-a-significant-other...or meet a new friend--the question arises:  should I tell him/her about my Moebius?  This issue came up just the other day with some of my friends on Facebook.  It's a good question.  There are no easy answers or one-size-fits-all solution.  But here's what I think:

I think you SHOULD tell others about your Moebius.  Don't be shy or hold back.  Tell it.  Here's why:

1] Look, others have eyes.  They can see.  They can see you look a little "different", and maybe sound different.  They're going to wonder.  There's no way around it.  So why not remove the mystery?

2] And anyway, look--there's nothing to be ashamed of, and there's no reason to be shy or secretive about it.  Your Moebius is part of you.  It's who you are, it's who we are in this community.  It's doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with you, or that you have some kind of "defect."  You're not confessing to anything bad.  You're just saying--this is part of me, this is part of what makes me who I am.  This is me.  Embrace it!

3] And I really think that most people, when you tell them about it, aren't going to look down at you.  They're not going to reject you.  Instead, they're going to think that it says something _good_ about you--that it's good that you can be honest about yourself, that it takes courage to talk about your difference in this way, that talking about it shows you have guts and fortitude and self-confidence.  And all those are good things.

Look, I'm a teacher.  I teach history at the college level.  I sometimes teach classes with 150 students in them.  And every semester, on the first day of class, I spend about 10 minutes talking to them about the fact that I have Moebius Syndrome.  Because again--they're going to wonder.  And I do sound a little different.  So I talk about it briefly...and I try to be funny, too.  For example:  what's the best benefit about having Moebius?  Answer:  if you're playing poker, you have one heck of a poker face.  Hah!

And I've never had ANY negative response from doing that.  Indeed, students I think always have a positive reaction from it.  You will, too.

Sorry by the way I haven't blogged as much this week.  Speaking of teaching, fall semester is about to start and I've just been overloaded.  But I'm slowly digging out of it.  Fall is coming!  An exciting time...

GOT EMOTIONAL PAIN? HERE'S HOW TO DEAL

Because everybody--whether they have Moebius Syndrome, or no special physical condition at all--has had to deal with sadness, rejection, and other tough issues.  But certainly those with Moebius know the pain of rejection and such things very well.  So what can we do?  Read on:

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Guy Winch holds a doctorate in clinical psychology and has a private practice in Manhattan. He is the author of "Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt, and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries."
(CNN) -- We sustain psychological injuries such as rejection and failure as we go through life just as often as we do physical injuries. But while we have access to ointments and bandages to treat cuts and sprains, we have no such tools to treat emotional pain.

In my book, I discuss the impact of seven common psychological injuries on our emotional well-being -- rejection, failure, guilt, loneliness, rumination, loss and bouts of low self-esteem -- and offer science-based treatments that ease the pain, accelerate healing and minimize long-term risks to our mental health.

Here are five questions people often ask about psychological injuries:

1. Why does getting rejected hurt so much?

Getting rejected activates the same pathways in your brain that get activated when you feel physical pain. In one study, participants who received Tylenol (acetaminophen) and were then asked to recall a painful rejection reported less emotional pain than subjects who received a sugar pill.

Rejection is so painful that it can even affect your thinking. For example, being asked to recall a painful rejection was enough for people to score significantly lower on subsequent IQ tests, tests of short-term memory and tests of decision-making.

Rejection is assumed to have developed as an early warning mechanism to alert us when we were in danger of being kicked out of our tribe, which in our caveman past would have been a death sentence. That is also why rejection makes us feel so detached and alone; it destabilizes our need to feel that we belong.

Guy Winch

2. Psychologists are advocates of getting in touch with how you feel. If thinking about your feelings is good for you, how can brooding and ruminating be bad?

Reflecting on how you felt after a painful experience often leads to the kind of understanding and insight that reduces emotional distress and allows you to move on. But when you brood over something, you're simply replaying the same thoughts, memories or worries over and over, gaining no new insights and making yourself more upset and angry.

Ruminating in such ways can be "addictive" in that stewing over such memories or thoughts makes them more distressing, which in turn makes the urge to brood over them even more compelling. These ruminative cycles not only increase your emotional distress in the moment, but over time, the stress hormones that are released into your bloodstream can put you at increased risk for cardiovascular disease.

3. Is it possible to prevent a significant failure from affecting your self-esteem?

Yes. Failure is damaging to your self-esteem because it distorts your perceptions; your goals seem out of reach, and your capacities seem unequal to the task. To prevent your self-esteem from taking a big hit, you have to overcome the feelings of helplessness that follow a significant failure.

Blaming your "lack of ability," lamenting your "bad luck" or assuming "it was not meant to be" will make you feel unnecessarily powerless. If you insist on casting blame, focus on aspects of the task that were in your control, such as your planning and execution.

Then, consider the many ways you can improve your planning, become better informed and better prepared, invest greater effort and resources along the way, and strengthen your willpower (which can be done with certain exercises). Then try again!

4. Why do people who have hurt another person's feelings still feel guilty even after they've apologized?

Guilt is usually a useful emotion, as it warns you when your actions or inactions might cause harm to another person, thus giving you an opportunity to rethink things or to atone for your wrongdoing.

As such, guilt is a great "relationship protector." But when your guilt is excessive or lingering, it can do more damage than good; it can impair your ability to focus and concentrate or even to enjoy life.

When people feel guilty after having apologized for their actions, it's usually because their apology was not strong enough to elicit true forgiveness from the person they harmed. People often leave out the most important ingredient required to make an apology effective: expressing clear empathy for what the other person felt and went through.

Once you convey that you truly "get" how the other person felt and demonstrate a clear understanding of how your actions (or inactions) affected them, they will be much more likely to convey authentic forgiveness, and your guilty feelings should ease soon thereafter.

5. Why do some daily users of positive affirmations still have low self-esteem?

Positive affirmations such as "I am worthy of true love" or "I will be a great success at work" are often ineffective for people with low self-esteem. They can even make them feel worse.

When statements fall outside the boundaries of people's established beliefs, they reject them. If someone feels unlovable, affirmations about how worthy of love they are will be rejected by their unconscious minds and only remind them of how unlovable they truly feel.

People with low self-esteem should use self-affirmations instead. Self-affirmations are statements that reinforce those qualities and attributes that you believe you already possess, such as "I would be a loyal, caring and supportive partner" or "I'm responsible and motivated, and I have a great work ethic."

Making a list of your best qualities and writing a brief essay about why a specific quality is important (and how you've expressed it in the past) is a much more effective daily habit for people whose self-esteem is low.

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BULLYING UPDATE: COULD YOU BE A TARGET FOR BULLIES IN THE WORKPLACE?

Unfortunately a new study might imply that if you have Moebius Syndrome, it's possible.  Given that there are so many in our society who are obsessed with appearance and looks, especially if those fit in with today's societal definition of what is "good-looking", then someone with Moebius too often is judged by such folks as being "unattractive."  And if certain people define you as being unattractive, that may trigger bullying instincts.  Here, read more about it--and then I'll have some comments at the end of the piece:

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Some workplace bullies will target anyone for any reason. But preliminary research has shown that less attractive employees are more likely to become victims of bullying than others.
Though much of the bullying research has focused on what leads someone to bully others, very little attention has been paid to what characteristics may draw their ire. A new study examined whether physical attractiveness and personality traits made people more likely to be the target of aggressive or hostile behavior from co-workers.

“We focused on the victim because the research literature has implicitly assumed that bullying behavior is due to the traits of the bully,” study author Dr. Timothy A. Judge, professor of management at the University of Notre Dame Mendoza College of Business, said.  “To reduce bullying, we need to see the whole picture.”

Previous studies have shown that attractive people are perceived as both friendlier and more likeable than unattractive people. They are treated better, receive more attention and experience less hostility from others, compared to their homelier colleagues.

Research on personality traits has found that people who are victims of bullying tend to have a more negative disposition - a tendency to be angry, anxious, emotional or irritable.

In the current study, published in the journal Human Performance, Judge also found that those with negative dispositions were more likely to be bullied than agreeable employees. These negative emotions were sensed by co-workers, suggesting that negative employees tend to elicit similar feelings in their coworkers, according to the study's authors.

The study also found that unattractive employees were more likely to be bullied at work. The authors offered several hypotheses to explain these results.

“One possibility is that unattractive employees act differently,” Judge said. “We know that attractiveness is related to self-esteem and low self-esteem is related to bullying by others – so it may be that unattractive employees show a victim mentality that makes them easy targets for workplace bullies.”

However, Judge ultimately blames society for placing too much value on looks.

“There are few occupations in which attractiveness is job-related, yet it plays an important role in hiring decisions, pay decisions and, we show, bullying behavior,” Judge said.

Another possibility is that bullies look for any excuse to target someone—whether it’s a physical handicap or an emotional vulnerability.

“Unattractiveness may be one of those cues that activate bullying instincts,” Judge said.  In fact, plenty of research has found that weak or unattractive children are more likely to be victims of schoolyard bullying.

“Some bullies may outgrow these tendencies less than we think,” Judge said.

Though bullies may not seem like the most self-reflective types of people, if they can better understand what sets off their hostility, they may be better able to control their behavior. 
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So our job remains:  we need to continue to raise awareness about Moebius Syndrome--and other physical differences that can exist, too; we need to remind people that those with differences are people, too; that beauty doesn't always have to do with outward appearances and with an artificial societal definition of what "beautiful" is supposed to look like; that beauty comes from the heart, not just from one's looks.  In other words, we have to change the culture.

It's a big job!  But we just have to work at it, day by day, piece by piece.

WHAT IF THERE WAS A CURE?

This piece asks:  what if there was a cure for Down Syndrome?  So, naturally that might make those of us in our community ask:  what if there was a cure for Moebius Syndrome?  Seems like a cure couldn't possibly have anything bad or negative about it, right?  It could only be good, right?  But--hmmm.  Think about it some more.  Just as these folks in these piece, who have been affected by Down Syndrome, thought about it.  A cure after all would change things.  Only for the better?  Well...read on:

In the 14 years since her daughter, Rachel, was born with Down syndrome, Jawanda Mast has always been clear that she’d change the condition if she could.
“I couldn’t love her more, but I would give almost anything to take away that extra chromosome,” the Olathe, Kansas, mom wrote on her blog. “While I may know she’s perfect, the world doesn’t.”
But when Massachusetts scientists announced recently that they’ve found a way to silence the chromosome that causes trisomy 21, also known as Down syndrome, it rocked Mast – and the rest of the disability community.
“It’s so hard to imagine you could actually do that,” Mast told NBC News. “Yes, I would take away the challenges, I would take away the health risks. But now I also stop and say, ‘Oh my goodness, how would that impact the rest of her?’”
Hailed as a “cure in a Petri dish,” the research by scientists at the University of Massachusetts Medical School is the first to find that it may be possible to switch off the genetic material responsible for the condition that causes cognitive delays, heart defects and shortened lifespans.
The development is expected to help create new treatments for problems caused by Down syndrome -- but it also raises the prospect of eliminating the condition entirely.
Since it became public last month, the breakthrough has sparked a firestorm of reaction among parents, advocates, ethicists and people with the condition, said Dr. Brian Skotko, a medical geneticist and co-director of the Down Syndrome Program at Massachusetts General Hospital.
“This research really launches a million questions,” Skotko said.
On one hand, almost everyone agrees there’s a need for treatments to help the 250,000 people in the U.S. living with Down syndrome, including the nearly 7,000 babies born with it each year.
On the other hand, it’s unclear what costs there may be to shutting down the mechanism that creates people who offer lessons in patience, kindness -- and what it means to be human.
"If Down syndrome were completely cured, the world would lose something from the absence of that culture," said Skotko, who has a sister with the condition. "There is something positive that people with Down syndrome contribute to the world."
Brian Long of Boulder, Colo., is the father a 19-year-old son with Down syndrome. He welcomes the research, which could lead to treatments to boost Connor’s intellectual abilities and speaking skills and prevent disease. But he also wonders how tinkering with chromosomes could alter the essence of his son.
“So much of Down syndrome does impact the personality and character of the person,” said Long, 54. “In Connor’s example, we’ve known him for 19 years. We don’t want a wholesale change.”
Advocates like Julie Cevallos, vice president of marketing for the National Down Syndrome Society, emphasize that the research is still early.
“When you go as far as a ‘cure,’ that’s when folks step back and go: ‘We’re not looking for a cure. We’re looking to help and support people with Down syndrome live healthy and productive lives,’” said Cevallos, mother of a 5-year-old with the condition.
David Egan, a 35-year-old Vienna, Va., man with Down syndrome, said he applauds the progress in part because it might help with some of the social stigma that comes with the disorder. He has friends who've been made fun of because of their disability, who have a hard time coping with the condition.
“I’m not saying to shut it down completely,” said Egan, who has worked for 17 years in the distribution department at Booz Allen Hamilton, the technology consulting firm. “I would say just to understand more about it.”

But ethicists fear that genetic manipulation could spell the end of the disorder – and of people who have it.
“We now see very few persons with the symptoms of polio or the scars of smallpox,” said Art Caplan, head of medical ethics at New York University Langone Medical Center. “The same fate, despite the protests of some, awaits Down syndrome and other genetic diseases if engineering genes creates cures.”
That strong reaction surprised Jeanne Lawrence, the professor of cell and developmental biology who led the research. People may misunderstand the scope and promise of her work, she said.
It likely wouldn't be possible to "cure" Down syndrome, because the condition occurs at conception, she said.
“Even looking forward really far, I don’t see how we could fundamentally change a person who has trisomy 21 to silence all the chromosomes in their body,” said Lawrence.
Instead, it might be possible to target specific conditions: Perhaps there will be a way to treat congenital heart disease early in children with Down syndrome or to stave off Alzheimer's disease in adults, she added.
No question, the research is an advance in the understanding of Down syndrome, which occurs when people are born with three copies of chromosome 21, instead of the normal two copies.
(Humans are typically born with 23 pairs of chromosomes, including one pair of sex chromosomes, for a total of 46 in each cell. People with Down syndrome have 47 chromosomes in each cell.)
The researchers discovered that a gene called XIST -- which normally turns off one of the two copies of the X chromosome in female mammals, including humans -- could be inserted into the extra copy of chromosome 21 in lab cultures.
Using skin cells from a person with Down syndrome, they created pluripotent stem cells, which can form a range of different body cell types. When they inserted the XIST gene, they found that it effectively silenced the extra chromosome.
When they compared brain cells with and without the XIST gene, they found that those in which the extra chromosome had been suppressed grew more quickly and were better able to form progenitors of other brain cells, Lawrence said.
“That’s kind of useful right away,” she told NBC News. “There hasn’t been a good way to understand what’s wrong with these cells.”
But her work was never targeted to eliminate the condition, Lawrence added.
“I guess that we always thought that we were developing therapies to help children with Down syndrome. We never thought for a moment we would aid in the eradication of it,” Lawrence said.
That’s a relief to geneticists like Skotko. He worries about the demographics of the disorder, which has been altered from an estimate of 400,000 people with Down syndrome in the U.S. to 250,000, according to new research by Dr. Edward R.B. McCabe, chief medical officer at the March of Dimes. 
The number of babies born with Down syndrome has been rising in the past decade, McCabe found. But research suggests that about 74 percent of women who receive a prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome end their pregnancies. And -- in a country where women are delaying childbirth -- there are not nearly as many Down syndrome births as there could have been.
“What if fewer babies with Down syndrome are being born and Down syndrome starts to inch closer to being a rare condition?” said Skotko.
The promise of new drug therapies and treatments may help, he says, giving hope to families expecting Down syndrome babies and to those with older children – and adults.
Still, Jawanda Mast says she’s certain the questions raised by the new research will be debated for years in public meetings and in private conversations.
“It’s an interesting thing because Rachel’s whole life, there’s been this discussion: ‘If you could take it away, would you?’” she said. “I think, ethically, we’re just taking the cap off the bottle.”

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THE FIGHT AGAINST BULLYING: AN UPDATE

Kerry Kennedy, of the Robert F. Kennedy Center for Justice and Human Rights, writes an important anti-bullying column today in the Washington Post.  In it, she discusses her organization's human rights/anti-bullying curriculum (which I did not even know they had).  It's called "Speak Truth to Power" (STTP), and she demonstrates in her piece below how it can work.  Good stuff.  Read more about it below.  There's only one thing I wish I'd seen in her piece, but did not--and that is, a recognition on her part that bullying can often come at the expense of those with physical differences.  The examples Ms. Kennedy gives below have to do with bullying based on racial/ethnic prejudice, and political differences.  And those certainly exist and must be dealt with.  But bullying based on race, ethnicity, class, or gender unfortunately ain't the only game in town.  And we need to keep reminding folks of that.

Still, I'm glad this campaign exists.  Read below what Ms. Kennedy has to say:

When a wave of immigrant families settled in Bucyrus, Ohio, the schools faced a clash of cultures. Some 96 percent of the city’s 12,000 residents identify as white. In one classroom, a teacher instructed the class that Mexican immigrants were to blame for drug trafficking in the United States. Following his comments, a Mexican American fifth-grader was targeted with racial slurs, harassed and then suspended for misconduct.
Bucyrus had a bullying problem, and city officials wanted to do more than punish students and react to incidents; rather, they wanted to stop the bullying before it began. They wanted a school environment in which standing up for someone in trouble would be a source of pride and standing aside would be a source of embarrassment. They wanted to teach courage in the face of persecution, even when — especially when — students saw their friends persecuting others.
And so it happened that I received a call from the superintendent of Bucyrus City Schools. He had heard about Speak Truth To Power (STTP), the human rights education curriculum offered by the Robert F. Kennedy Center for Justice and Human Rights, the organization my family founded in 1968 to carry forward my father’s unfinished work.
We teach that curriculum in schools around the world — from Phnom Penh, Cambodia, to Pisa, Italy, from Stockholm to Chicago. Some of our STTP students live in towns that still bear the scars of World War II or count their relatives among the victims of the Khmer Rouge. Here in the United States, too many of our students follow the bell at recess to a playground rife with gang violence.
Two years after the superintendent reached out to me, students in Bucyrus schools now learn the stories of legendary human rights heroes such as anti-apartheid leader Desmond Tutu and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel. They also hear about such women as Juliana Dogbadzi, an escaped child sex slave who at age 20 single-handedly emancipated 5,000 girls by successfully lobbying her government to ban a centuries-old cult practice. Students not only learn about human rights defenders, but they also are trained to become defenders themselves.
Following the implementation of STTP, according to a forthcoming independent study we commissioned, Bucyrus students reported a change in attitude regarding bullying, particularly their awareness of bullying as an issue. Administrators have seen an increase in reports of bullying, and one student described the STTP activities as “helpful not just in handling bullying, but [providing] reasons to be more open-minded about other people.”
We went to Bucyrus to teach Speak Truth To Power, our first experience working directly with a school and community to target bullying, and we learned something ourselves. Bullying is, at its core, a human rights violation. It is the abuse of the powerless at the hands of the powerful, and it is a threat against the right to receive an education free from persecution. Bullying is the first human rights violation millions of students in the United States will confront. As a human rights organization, it’s not something we can ignore.
Two children in every classroom in America are estimated to miss at least one day of school each month because they feel unsafe. Local governments realize we cannot afford to dismiss youth violence as simply “kids being kids.” Anti-bullying legislation has been passed in 49 states, the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.
But laws and reporting systems aren’t enough. We must move beyond simply having the systems in place to react to bullying. We must instill in our youth the ideals of civility and respect, and we must create environments that prevent bullying everywhere our children live, learn and play.
Putting prevention back in bullying prevention is the goal of the RFK Center’s newly launched RFK Project SEATBELT — Safe Environments Achieved Through Bullying prevention, Engagement, Leadership and Teaching respect. The initiative provides resources for parents, educators and community members to create supportive environments through a human rights framework that instills responsibility, respect and resiliency to prevent bullying.
The initiative’s name is our answer to critics who say bullying is ingrained in the culture of an American childhood. To those people, I ask: Who remembers the days when wearing a seat belt was considered optional?
In my father’s lifetime, manufacturers weren’t even required to install seat belts in their vehicles, and it wasn’t until 1984 that riders were required to use them. But when my daughters get in a car today, putting on their seat belts is second nature. In just one generation, we watched a profound shift in social norms related to seat belts. How many people in 1984 said that Americans would never be persuaded to change an ingrained behavior in the name of public safety?
We can change for the better. We do it all the time, and our children are even better at it than we are. Parents, teachers, neighbors, bus drivers — we all can do our part to raise children who see themselves as human rights defenders. In doing so, we’re not just creating safer schools for them but also passing on to them a more just and peaceful world.

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AUTISM UPDATE

Because although far from all persons with Moebius Syndrome have autism, still it can be associated with our condition.  What's the latest?  Here's some brain talk on it:

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A new study indicates that autism may affect men and women differently.
When studying autism, most research tends to be male-biased due to the fact that the condition afflicts more boys than girls - estimates of the condition’s male-to-female ratio range from 5:1 to 15:1.
Given the skewed statistics, fewer girls with autism are included in studies, and most of researchers’ understanding of the neurodevelopmental disorder is based on male test subjects.
In an attempt to provide a more balanced picture of the autistic brain, scientists at the Autism Research Center at the University of Cambridge examined the brains of a 120 patient cohort that was completely gender equal.
The ultimate goal?  To see if autism manifests differently in men and women.
“We compared the brains of male patients with and without autism, so we have a pattern to demonstrate how autism manifests in the brain, and then do the same thing for females,” Dr. Meng-Chuan Lai, who led the research project, told FoxNews.com.  “So if autism manifests the same for males and females, then the (patterns would be) quite alike.  If it manifests differently by gender, then the two patterns would be quite distinct. And that’s what we found.”
Utilizing magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), the researchers scanned and compared the brains of 30 male and 30 female autism patients between the ages of 18 and 49, none of whom had intellectual disabilities. The brain scans were then compared to those of 30 male and 30 female control patients, who were considered typical developing adults.
As expected, the tests found that the brain anatomies of females with autism were substantially different when compared to the brains of their male counterparts.  In fact, a completely different set of brain regions were implicated in the male autism brains than in the female autism brains.
The brain imaging revealed that females with autism showed what the scientists referred to as neuroanatomical “masculinization.” meaning areas of the brain that were atypical in adult females with autism were similar to areas that differ between typical developing males and females.  This brain difference was not seen in the adult males with autism.
“In terms of brain morphology, females with autism look more alike to typical developing males when they are compared to typical developing females,” Lai said.  “So the brain change in females with autism (are) actually shifting towards typical developing males.”
This discovery relates to an idea known as the extreme male brain theory of autism, which hypothesizes that autism is actually an extreme version of the typical male profile.  While the Cambridge study was only meant to be observational, Lai said these findings could ultimately point to the physiological mechanisms that drive physical sex differentiation – such as prenatal sex hormones and sex-linked genetic processes.
But more importantly, Lai said their research should serve as a wakeup call for other scientists. According to the latest estimates from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one out of every 88 children in the United States has been identified as having an autism spectrum disorder, and the numbers seem to be on the rise.  Given the increasing amount of children with the condition, Lai said it’s important to study girls with autism independently of boys.
“The key message is that researchers should not really assume that what we know about autism in males will always be applicable to females,” Lai said.  “We need to pay more attention to the female population, looking at males and females separately and jointly.  We have to identify both similarities and differences.”

Simon Baron-Cohen, a professor of developmental psychopathology at Cambridge, served as the senior author for the study, which was published in the journal Brain.

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TIPS FOR A HEALTHIER LIFE

And we're all for that.  In this case, the tips come from a host of "Dancing With the Stars", yet!  Read on:

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You'd never guess by looking at her now, but less than a year ago Brooke Burke-Charvet was undergoing treatment for thyroid cancer. The diagnosis was a shock for the 41-year-old "Dancing With the Stars" co-host. Newly married to David Charvet, the mom of four was busy juggling her career and blended family when her doctor found a lump.

She is now cancer-free, and the experience reinforced Brooke's belief in the importance of taking care of yourself -- inside and out. Here's her everyday advice for eating right, getting fit, and staying grounded.

Focus on what matters

"Dance through the chaos. Breathe through everything. I've got four kids -- including a 13-year-old going on 30 -- and this is my second marriage. I know there's not going to be balance in every day, so I don't beat myself up. I'm an idealist; I strive and dream big. But I focus on the stuff that really matters, and I let everything else roll off. Truly, truly, truly."

Keep the romance going

"In our house, with four kids, it's tough to remember we're a couple, not just people's parents! We try to have a regular date night, but sometimes it doesn't happen, so we make sure we connect every week. Maybe it's a lunch. Maybe it's dinner after the kids fall asleep. Sometimes it's with another couple. It's just the fact that we got up, got dressed and got out of our sweats!"

Have a big lunch

"Lunch is usually my largest meal. I love sushi. Or I'll do a huge salad with mixed greens and vegetables like cucumbers, and I'm not afraid of avocados. Then I top it with a really nice piece of salmon or other fish."

Schedule workouts

"Pay for that class, buy that DVD, commit with a girlfriend. As working women and moms, we make it to all our meetings, get our kids to every appointment. But you have to make yourself a priority. Just commit. Write it down. Make a plan. I try to do my workouts early in the day, after I drop my kids off at school, so they're just done. I think if you procrastinate your workout, as evening falls, it's just never gonna happen! Also, I want that energy. I want that adrenaline."

Eat more asparagus

"I've been baking asparagus in the oven, which is so yummy and healthy because you don't need all the oil and it cooks beautifully. You can even put a little Parmesan on top."

Soak the stress away

"I love a great bath," says Brooke. "I explain to my kids, 'I do so many things for you guys, I just need you to give me 10 minutes.' " Her ingredients for a perfect dip?

• Zone-out music. "Easy listening, mellow instrumental, no lyrics. Nothing to think about."

• Epsom salts. "I use them all the time, and you can get them at any drugstore for $5. They're great for muscle aches and soreness."

• Spa add-ons. "I will light candles, put on a facial mask and create this whole spa thing at home. It is just as good as the real deal -- except that I have to keep the kids out!"

Cook good food

"My husband is French, and we love to cook and eat flavorful food. We try to eat a Mediterranean diet -- lots of greens, lots of fish, lots of vegetables. It's really all about portion control."

Add flavor without fat

"We flavor with salts and rubs rather than drowning things in sauces. I use a lot of harissa -- it's a Middle Eastern spice, like a chili paste. It's great on sandwiches, and it's ideal on vegetables if you just put a little bit of olive oil in them."

Don't be afraid to indulge

"If your body is really craving something, you might need it. Last night, my mom came over and made homemade meatballs and Bolognese, which is so not on the plan. But I had a couple of meatballs and a little less pasta. Do it in moderation, then get back on track."

Keep healthy snacks handy

"I keep a smart snack pack in my SUV. Then my kids aren't running into the gas station and buying chips. It might contain these foods:

• Fresh fruit and dried, roasted seaweed packs. Which, thank God, my kids eat.

• Nuts. Usually almonds.

• My girlfriend's popcorn recipe. It's the best in the world -- I make it at home and put it in baggies. You pop kernels using regular olive oil, not extra-virgin, then you season with pink Himalayan salt."

Face your fears

"I try to remain neutral (on DWTS), but I get emotionally connected to a few contestants. Rob Kardashian was one. When he started he had no confidence, then he learned to dance and became this stud. It's amazing to see people face their fears and transform themselves."

Age gracefully

"The 40s are a reality check. That's when some people are trying to look 25. I would like to slow down my aging process, but I don't want to look like a pumpkin, all swollen! I don't want to fill every flaw in my face. A few? (Laughs) But you have to embrace Mother Nature a little. I'm a woman. I'm a wife. I'm a mother of four. I don't want to look like a 25-year-old anymore. I want to be my best healthy self."

A GOOD MESSAGE

Carolyn Hax writes a parenting advice column for the Washington Post.  And just recently she had a very interesting discussion with a parent---about the importance of not just outward looks, but also of the need for inner beauty, too; something that those of us connected with Moebius Syndrome can really appreciate.  Read on:

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Q:  We adopted a little girl, and she is very beautiful. I have taken to heart your admonition to center praise around effort and accomplishments and not looks (although I sometimes slip; she really is cute).
My question is: What can I do about comments from people meeting her? [Noting her beauty] is usually one of the first things out of their mouths. And she meets a lot of people; she has a way of making friends with everyone in the store/restaurant/coffee shop just because she’s so outgoing.
Is there a graceful way to demur without being rude, or do we just hope the family emphasis on character has more weight than the entire rest of the world’s comments on her looks?
 
Raising a Beautiful Child
This is really hard, because people can’t (or won’t) help themselves, and kids do internalize messages they hear daily.
You can send a polite message to people who say she’s beautiful by saying, “Inside and out, thank you.” You can also be patient, because the comments directed to you as though she’s not even there will slow down as she gets older.
And you can hold onto the fact that your influence towers over that of the people she meets, at least until peers take over. That’s not to say every remark you make about her looks needs to be treated as a “slip”; you’d be overcompensating if you never said, “I think you’re beautiful.” But if the bulk of the message is about things she controls — like her effort, her attitude, her manners, her determination, her compassion — then her chief messenger can lay a stable foundation (inner beauty trumps outer) beneath what the world keeps implying (outer beauty rules).
Check out the work of Carol Dweck or read “Nurture Shock,” by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, for more on constructive praise.

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Amen!

I WAS GONE OVER THE WEEKEND...

...to Washington, DC, where we had out one face to face meeting of the year of the board of the Moebius Syndrome Foundation.  It was a great weekend, and I was glad to spend it with people whom I'm glad to say are both my board colleagues, but also my friends.  So, what about our meeting?  I can tell you this much:

1] All of us from the meeting came away energized and more determined than ever to keep working for the cause.  As my friend and fellow board member Roland Bienvenu always says, it's a labor of love.

2] The Washington DC and Bethesda area will be a terrific area in which to hold the 2014 conference.  There's so much to do!  Even if you've been to the area before--and let's face it, many have--I guarantee you, you have not exhausted all the things you can do.

3] There are of course many things to do to prepare for conference 2014.  I promise all of you, though, that preparations continue apace for it and a lot has already been done.  Our hosts in 2014 are of course Jacob and Nina Licht, and they are doing a tremendous job.  The preparations will continue, and I think all of you will be impressed with the final outcome.

4] All of us on the board then have been to the hotel where the conference will be.  I think it's going to be an excellent venue.  It is clean, it is spacious, it's bright, it's cheerful, it's got an excellent staff, and good facilities.  It's in an area of North Bethesda that has several good restaurants and other attractions around it, and the hotel is literally a stone's throw from the DC Metro rail line; if you want to go into DC, for example to the National Mall, there's a way to get there from the hotel that won't require a car, and won't cost you an arm and a leg.

Conference 2014 is a little less than a year away now, and I just know it's going to be great.  Join us in July 2014!!!