A very good question, right? Actually I can't take credit for coming up with it; instead, some of my Moebius friends on Facebook the other day were discussing it. And I thought: what a good topic for a blog post. So here goes: why DO we have Moebius? What reasons could there be? Let's see how many I can come up with. After you've read this, feel free to come up with your own.
1. But first, it's important to say: there's no one answer that will fit all. Some of you believe things happen for a reason. Others of you perhaps don't. Some of you believe in God. Others of you don't. Obviously that's going to impact how you see this. All of you are entitled to your own view here. But, having said that, I think...
2. Moebius Syndrome can make you tougher. It can make you better. We have obstacles in life to overcome, prejudices to battle. We overcome them. It's made us stronger.
3. By being out there in the world, by letting others know that yes, we have Moebius, but here we are...we raise awareness. We make sure others know that yes, there are people out there who have physical differences. But we're people too, we have accomplishments of our own, and you should look AT us, not away from us.
4. And by doing number 3, we help reduce prejudice in this country--even if just a little bit--against those with physical differences.
5. Many of you have reported that your friends and acquaintances say that you, with your Moebius, and your triumphs, have inspired them. That maybe it gets them to try harder, to do more, since they see what you can do. That's certainly a good thing.
6. I think Moebius actually can make us MORE aware of other peoples' facial expressions and the feelings and emotions they signal to us. That might seem strange, given that often we can NOT show facial expression. But that doesn't matter. We're still human. We still have feelings. And I think we're always curious as to how other people see us (maybe sometimes we're AFRAID of how others are seeing us, even though often we don't need to be). And we know that one way to see how others are feeling is...watch their face and their body language. We're pretty good at it.
7. Thus, that can mean that maybe having Moebius makes us pretty good judges of character. Of course, we want to have friends. But we want good friends, legitimate persons whom we can trust; we don't want people who will pretend to be nice to our face, but then behind our backs will slam us or make fun of us. Maybe sometimes that makes us too tough of a judge; perhaps at times it makes us too reluctant to have friends. But many of my Moebius friends are good judges of character, and that's a good thing.
8. And remember too--people today love to talk about the value of "diversity." But diversity isn't only about race, ethnicity, or gender; it can also involve other things--such as the kinds of physical differences that we bring to the table. And we remind people of that.
9. How about this? Also, Moebius has allowed so many of us to be part of a big support network; it's allowed us all to be part of building one, to show us and others how the internet and social media and other communication tools can be used to help people get in touch and support one another. That's a great lesson. Many will benefit from it.
Well, this is what I can think of right now. I bet many of you can think of more. Let us know!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
A WORTHY CAUSE: KIDD'S KIDS
This is a very worthy cause, it's something that has been going on for a long time, and it's something that has helped in raising awareness of kids with disabilities and physical differences. It's a charity called "Kidd's Kids", and it's about a radio host named Kidd Kraddick, and the rest of his crew from his show, taking chronically ill children on a special trip to DisneyWorld, all expenses paid. I've been thinking about this the last couple of days, because if Kraddick's very sudden and sad death this past Saturday (he was only 53).
But Kidd's Kids is going to live on. It's important. Kraddick's co-host, Al Mack, said recently that the trip, and working with these children, had taught him that now, when he sees a sick or disabled child, he will never look away (as, let's face it, some people do). Instead, he'll look them right in the eye and be there for them. Great stuff. Here's some more about Kidd's Kids:
**************************
At Kidd’s Kids, our primary goal is to provide chronically ill and/or physically challenged children (ages 5 to 12) with an unforgettable adventure! Throughout the year, we work hard to raise the funds necessary to send these special kids on an all-expenses paid, fun-filled, vacation to Walt Disney World ® in Florida. Most of our funding comes from donations made by listeners to the Kidd Kraddick In The Morning radio show, corporate sponsors, and various fundraising events.
Each year, we sponsor approximately 50 children and their families (including siblings between the ages of 5 and 16) for the trip, or as many as the Kidd’s Kids Board may deem appropriate under the circumstances. The Board will work with such sources as it deems appropriate to select children based upon the nature and severity of their illnesses, their ages, and the status of their financial needs.
All
aspects of the trip are coordinated by Kidd’s Kids. All funds raised go
directly to cover the cost of sending the children and their families
to Walt Disney World®, administrative expenses of Kidd’s Kids, and to
sustain an endowment fund for the purpose of providing long-term growth
and stability for the charitable programs of the Kraddick Foundation.
The Kraddick Foundation is a 501 (c)(3) organization, founded by
nationally syndicated morning show personality Kidd Kraddick. The Kidd’s
Kids program is based on the premise of making a difference in the
lives of children with special medical needs.
It’s the goal of Kidd’s Kids to make this a trip of a lifetime. With that in mind, Kidd’s Kids covers all expenses including airfare to/from their local market to DFW, chartered jet to/from DFW to Orlando, hotel, park passes, all meals, transportation while in Florida, souvenirs, special private character visits and so much more!Children selected for the Kidd’s Kids trip are between the ages of 5 and 12, suffer from a chronic or terminal illness, and/or are physically challenged or have a catastrophic impairment due to an accident/birth defect. The child must also reside in one of the Kidd Kraddick In The Morning radio show listening areas and demonstrate a financial need. Each child selected attends the trip along with their family members who reside in the same household (this includes parent(s) or legal guardian(s) and any siblings that are between 5 and 16 years of age).
***********************************
"Keep looking up--because that's where it all is!"--Kidd Kraddick
But Kidd's Kids is going to live on. It's important. Kraddick's co-host, Al Mack, said recently that the trip, and working with these children, had taught him that now, when he sees a sick or disabled child, he will never look away (as, let's face it, some people do). Instead, he'll look them right in the eye and be there for them. Great stuff. Here's some more about Kidd's Kids:
**************************
At Kidd’s Kids, our primary goal is to provide chronically ill and/or physically challenged children (ages 5 to 12) with an unforgettable adventure! Throughout the year, we work hard to raise the funds necessary to send these special kids on an all-expenses paid, fun-filled, vacation to Walt Disney World ® in Florida. Most of our funding comes from donations made by listeners to the Kidd Kraddick In The Morning radio show, corporate sponsors, and various fundraising events.
Each year, we sponsor approximately 50 children and their families (including siblings between the ages of 5 and 16) for the trip, or as many as the Kidd’s Kids Board may deem appropriate under the circumstances. The Board will work with such sources as it deems appropriate to select children based upon the nature and severity of their illnesses, their ages, and the status of their financial needs.
All
aspects of the trip are coordinated by Kidd’s Kids. All funds raised go
directly to cover the cost of sending the children and their families
to Walt Disney World®, administrative expenses of Kidd’s Kids, and to
sustain an endowment fund for the purpose of providing long-term growth
and stability for the charitable programs of the Kraddick Foundation.
The Kraddick Foundation is a 501 (c)(3) organization, founded by
nationally syndicated morning show personality Kidd Kraddick. The Kidd’s
Kids program is based on the premise of making a difference in the
lives of children with special medical needs. Our History
The first Kidd’s Kids trip was to Sea World® in San Antonio and benefited five families. Due to the generosity of Kidd’s listeners and corporate donations, we now take over 50 families to Walt Disney World® in Florida each year. Many of the children selected for the trip have “fallen through the cracks” of other organizations that grant wishes or provide trips. During this five-day trip, which takes place every November, these kids and their families enjoy all the excitement that a Walt Disney World ® / Kidd’s Kids vacation can offer. For many families with terminally ill or physically challenged children, this is a very rare opportunity to leave behind hospital and treatment centers to share laughter and fun in a magical environment.It’s the goal of Kidd’s Kids to make this a trip of a lifetime. With that in mind, Kidd’s Kids covers all expenses including airfare to/from their local market to DFW, chartered jet to/from DFW to Orlando, hotel, park passes, all meals, transportation while in Florida, souvenirs, special private character visits and so much more!Children selected for the Kidd’s Kids trip are between the ages of 5 and 12, suffer from a chronic or terminal illness, and/or are physically challenged or have a catastrophic impairment due to an accident/birth defect. The child must also reside in one of the Kidd Kraddick In The Morning radio show listening areas and demonstrate a financial need. Each child selected attends the trip along with their family members who reside in the same household (this includes parent(s) or legal guardian(s) and any siblings that are between 5 and 16 years of age).
***********************************
"Keep looking up--because that's where it all is!"--Kidd Kraddick
Monday, July 29, 2013
15 THINGS YOU SHOULD GIVE UP IN ORDER TO BE A HAPPY PARENT
Hat tip to my friend Megan McRae, on Facebook, who forwarded this on. This is something useful for parents of children with Moebius Syndrome, and of course for all parents. How can we be better people, and better moms and dads? Some good ideas here:
Keeping score wastes energy. Just do what you feel inspired and able to do. Don’t feel obligated by others’ contributions. Don’t obligate them to live up to yours.
Think of yourself as your child’s trusted and effective guide, not their dictator. When they experience you this way, they’re more likely to listen, which means less struggle and frustration for both of you.
Yelling usually happens in anger and it often frightens and intimidates children. It destroys trust and a child’s feeling of safety. Pay attention to times and circumstances when you yell and then commit to changing those scenarios in the future.
Guide, direct, encourage, and prepare healthy food. Let your child voice their preferences. Focus on healthy overall patterns, rather than forcing a certain regimen at a specific meal.
Downtime is supportive to many children. Moments of boredom allow children to take responsibility for their own time. Make resources available and then let your children create the experience they want. You’ll all be happier.
You can comment on the exact same behavior in a positive way. For example, you can see the trait of, “You’re too talkative,” as “You really make friends easily.”
- See more at: http://thechildwhisperer.com/15-things-give-up-happy-parent/#sthash.26xc9HUw.4wgTcxiB.dpuf
Keeping score wastes energy. Just do what you feel inspired and able to do. Don’t feel obligated by others’ contributions. Don’t obligate them to live up to yours.
Think of yourself as your child’s trusted and effective guide, not their dictator. When they experience you this way, they’re more likely to listen, which means less struggle and frustration for both of you.
Yelling usually happens in anger and it often frightens and intimidates children. It destroys trust and a child’s feeling of safety. Pay attention to times and circumstances when you yell and then commit to changing those scenarios in the future.
Guide, direct, encourage, and prepare healthy food. Let your child voice their preferences. Focus on healthy overall patterns, rather than forcing a certain regimen at a specific meal.
Downtime is supportive to many children. Moments of boredom allow children to take responsibility for their own time. Make resources available and then let your children create the experience they want. You’ll all be happier.
You can comment on the exact same behavior in a positive way. For example, you can see the trait of, “You’re too talkative,” as “You really make friends easily.”
- See more at: http://thechildwhisperer.com/15-things-give-up-happy-parent/#sthash.26xc9HUw.4wgTcxiB.dpuf
Keeping score wastes energy. Just do what you feel inspired and able to do. Don’t feel obligated by others’ contributions. Don’t obligate them to live up to yours.
Think of yourself as your child’s trusted and effective guide, not their dictator. When they experience you this way, they’re more likely to listen, which means less struggle and frustration for both of you.
Yelling usually happens in anger and it often frightens and intimidates children. It destroys trust and a child’s feeling of safety. Pay attention to times and circumstances when you yell and then commit to changing those scenarios in the future.
Guide, direct, encourage, and prepare healthy food. Let your child voice their preferences. Focus on healthy overall patterns, rather than forcing a certain regimen at a specific meal.
Downtime is supportive to many children. Moments of boredom allow children to take responsibility for their own time. Make resources available and then let your children create the experience they want. You’ll all be happier.
You can comment on the exact same behavior in a positive way. For example, you can see the trait of, “You’re too talkative,” as “You really make friends easily.”
- See more at: http://thechildwhisperer.com/15-things-give-up-happy-parent/#sthash.26xc9HUw.4wgTcxiB.dpuf
Because
parenthood is challenging, we can sometimes forget how to just be happy
in the midst of it all. - See more at:
http://thechildwhisperer.com/15-things-give-up-happy-parent/#sthash.26xc9HUw.4wgTcxiB.dpuf
Consider which of these 15 items
keeps you from happy parenting. Let them go. Allow yourself to be a happy
parent for your child—and yourself!
1.
Give up “supposed to”
We were conditioned by our own early
family experiences to believe that parenthood or childhood are supposed to look
a certain way. But if you hold onto the way things are “supposed” to be, you
may miss enjoying how they actually are. Be willing to question what you
prioritize as a parent and why.
2.
Give up on keeping score
What does your mental score-card
keep track of… Which parent does more? Who’s most consistent? Which mom
contributes most in your child’s class? Who’s most involved in your homeschool
group?
Keeping score wastes energy. Just do
what you feel inspired and able to do. Don’t feel obligated by others’
contributions. Don’t obligate them to live up to yours.
3.
Give up force
As a parent you have a
responsibility to set boundaries. But if a child consistently resists a certain
boundary, don’t just force them to comply. Ask yourself and your child, “Why?”
Think of yourself as your child’s
trusted and effective guide, not their dictator. When they experience you this
way, they’re more likely to listen, which means less struggle and frustration
for both of you.
4.
Give up yelling
If you’re not a yeller, this one
isn’t for you. But if you tend to yell when upset, consider this question: Has
yelling strengthened your relationship with your child?
Yelling usually happens in anger and
it often frightens and intimidates children. It destroys trust and a child’s
feeling of safety. Pay attention to times and circumstances when you yell and
then commit to changing those scenarios in the future.
5.
Give up your need to look perfect
No such thing as a perfect parent.
Embrace your imperfections. Laugh at yourself. The best parents are willing to
always learn, change and improve.
6.
Give up worry
Compulsive worrying doesn’t make
your child any safer. It doesn’t make you any happier. And it teaches your
children to live in fear. Release your worries and cultivate gratitude for your
child’s safety in the present moment.
7.
Give up one-size-fits-all rules
Every child is unique. What works
for one won’t always work for another. Certain standard rules apply across the
board (for example, everyone needs to speak respectfully). But consider the
possibility that being a fair parent doesn’t mean doing the exact same thing in
the exact same way for every child.
8.
Give up the food fight
If you demand a certain number of
bites from your children, you set yourself up for struggle at the table—and you
set your children up for struggles with food later in life.
Guide, direct, encourage, and
prepare healthy food. Let your child voice their preferences. Focus on healthy
overall patterns, rather than forcing a certain regimen at a specific meal.
9.
Give up your role as events coordinator
If you feel like parenthood is a
treadmill you can’t keep up with, you may be taking too much responsibility for
your children’s time. Make plans that are supportive to your children’s
development, but don’t map out every minute for them.
Downtime is supportive to many
children. Moments of boredom allow children to take responsibility for their
own time. Make resources available and then let your children create the experience
they want. You’ll all be happier.
10.
Give up unhealthy self-sacrifice
As a parent, you generously give
love, time, and attention. But you shouldn’t give up your core self just
because you’re a parent. When you ignore your basic needs, you teach your
children that when they grow up, they shouldn’t take care of themselves.
11.
Give up guilt
Parents sometimes fall into the
self-sacrifice trap because they feel unnecessary guilt. Guilt can be useful if
you use it to recognize where you need to make changes. But overwhelming,
paralyzing guilt that makes you feel worthless as a person or parent doesn’t
accomplish anything. You are enough, just as you are.
12.
Give up one-sided decisions
As the parent, you often have the
final say. But you and your child will both be happier if it’s not the only
say. When age-appropriate, involve your child in decisions that will affect
them. By showing children the decision-making process, you’ll empower them to
make their own good decisions in the future.
13.
Give up negative messages
So many messages are repeated to
children: you’re too loud, you’re too quiet, you ask too many questions, you’re
exhausting, you’re demanding, you’re too talkative, you should make more
friends, quit moving, speak up, settle down, smile more.
You can comment on the exact same
behavior in a positive way. For example, you can see the trait of, “You’re too
talkative,” as “You really make friends easily.”
14.
Give up your own childhood story
What did you experience that you
most want your children to avoid? Being teased at school? Lack of money?
Feeling not-enough? Your fears may actually set up that same pattern to be
re-created. Don’t trap your children now in your fears of the past. Let them
go. Create what you want, not what you don’t want.
15.
Give up on giving up
I’ve heard from parents who worry
that they’ve damaged their child, or that they’ve made a mistake that will last
a lifetime. I’ve said this many times:
It’s
never too late to be a better parent.
*****************************************************************
Because parenthood is challenging, we can sometimes forget how to just be happy in the midst of it all.
Consider which of these 15 items keeps you from happy parenting. Let them go. Allow yourself to be a happy parent for your child—and yourself!1. Give up “supposed to”
We were conditioned by our own early family experiences to believe that parenthood or childhood are supposed to look a certain way. But if you hold onto the way things are “supposed” to be, you may miss enjoying how they actually are. Be willing to question what you prioritize as a parent and why.2. Give up on keeping score
What does your mental score-card keep track of… Which parent does more? Who’s most consistent? Which mom contributes most in your child’s class? Who’s most involved in your homeschool group?Keeping score wastes energy. Just do what you feel inspired and able to do. Don’t feel obligated by others’ contributions. Don’t obligate them to live up to yours.
3. Give up force
As a parent you have a responsibility to set boundaries. But if a child consistently resists a certain boundary, don’t just force them to comply. Ask yourself and your child, “Why?”Think of yourself as your child’s trusted and effective guide, not their dictator. When they experience you this way, they’re more likely to listen, which means less struggle and frustration for both of you.
4. Give up yelling
If you’re not a yeller, this one isn’t for you. But if you tend to yell when upset, consider this question: Has yelling strengthened your relationship with your child?Yelling usually happens in anger and it often frightens and intimidates children. It destroys trust and a child’s feeling of safety. Pay attention to times and circumstances when you yell and then commit to changing those scenarios in the future.
5. Give up your need to look perfect
No such thing as a perfect parent. Embrace your imperfections. Laugh at yourself. The best parents are willing to always learn, change and improve.6. Give up worry
Compulsive worrying doesn’t make your child any safer. It doesn’t make you any happier. And it teaches your children to live in fear. Release your worries and cultivate gratitude for your child’s safety in the present moment.7. Give up one-size-fits-all rules
Every child is unique. What works for one won’t always work for another. Certain standard rules apply across the board (for example, everyone needs to speak respectfully). But consider the possibility that being a fair parent doesn’t mean doing the exact same thing in the exact same way for every child.8. Give up the food fight
If you demand a certain number of bites from your children, you set yourself up for struggle at the table—and you set your children up for struggles with food later in life.Guide, direct, encourage, and prepare healthy food. Let your child voice their preferences. Focus on healthy overall patterns, rather than forcing a certain regimen at a specific meal.
9. Give up your role as events coordinator
If you feel like parenthood is a treadmill you can’t keep up with, you may be taking too much responsibility for your children’s time. Make plans that are supportive to your children’s development, but don’t map out every minute for them.Downtime is supportive to many children. Moments of boredom allow children to take responsibility for their own time. Make resources available and then let your children create the experience they want. You’ll all be happier.
10. Give up unhealthy self-sacrifice
As a parent, you generously give love, time, and attention. But you shouldn’t give up your core self just because you’re a parent. When you ignore your basic needs, you teach your children that when they grow up, they shouldn’t take care of themselves.11. Give up guilt
Parents sometimes fall into the self-sacrifice trap because they feel unnecessary guilt. Guilt can be useful if you use it to recognize where you need to make changes. But overwhelming, paralyzing guilt that makes you feel worthless as a person or parent doesn’t accomplish anything. You are enough, just as you are.12. Give up one-sided decisions
As the parent, you often have the final say. But you and your child will both be happier if it’s not the only say. When age-appropriate, involve your child in decisions that will affect them. By showing children the decision-making process, you’ll empower them to make their own good decisions in the future.13. Give up negative messages
So many messages are repeated to children: you’re too loud, you’re too quiet, you ask too many questions, you’re exhausting, you’re demanding, you’re too talkative, you should make more friends, quit moving, speak up, settle down, smile more.You can comment on the exact same behavior in a positive way. For example, you can see the trait of, “You’re too talkative,” as “You really make friends easily.”
14. Give up your own childhood story
What did you experience that you most want your children to avoid? Being teased at school? Lack of money? Feeling not-enough? Your fears may actually set up that same pattern to be re-created. Don’t trap your children now in your fears of the past. Let them go. Create what you want, not what you don’t want.15. Give up on giving up
I’ve heard from parents who worry that they’ve damaged their child, or that they’ve made a mistake that will last a lifetime. I’ve said this many times:
It’s never too late to be a better parent.
Whether your children are 4 or 40, they respond to genuine love from
their parents. The effects of mistakes may take a little longer to
overcome if your child is older, but it’s never impossible to show up as
the happy, supportive parent that you are meant to be. Don’t give up!
You have everything you need to be a good parent.Ok, deep breath.
It’s time to let go of whatever keeps you stuck and let the happiness in!- See more at: http://thechildwhisperer.com/15-things-give-up-happy-parent/#sthash.26xc9HUw.4wgTcxiB.dpuf
Because parenthood is challenging, we can sometimes forget how to just be happy in the midst of it all.
Consider which of these 15 items keeps you from happy parenting. Let them go. Allow yourself to be a happy parent for your child—and yourself!1. Give up “supposed to”
We were conditioned by our own early family experiences to believe that parenthood or childhood are supposed to look a certain way. But if you hold onto the way things are “supposed” to be, you may miss enjoying how they actually are. Be willing to question what you prioritize as a parent and why.2. Give up on keeping score
What does your mental score-card keep track of… Which parent does more? Who’s most consistent? Which mom contributes most in your child’s class? Who’s most involved in your homeschool group?Keeping score wastes energy. Just do what you feel inspired and able to do. Don’t feel obligated by others’ contributions. Don’t obligate them to live up to yours.
3. Give up force
As a parent you have a responsibility to set boundaries. But if a child consistently resists a certain boundary, don’t just force them to comply. Ask yourself and your child, “Why?”Think of yourself as your child’s trusted and effective guide, not their dictator. When they experience you this way, they’re more likely to listen, which means less struggle and frustration for both of you.
4. Give up yelling
If you’re not a yeller, this one isn’t for you. But if you tend to yell when upset, consider this question: Has yelling strengthened your relationship with your child?Yelling usually happens in anger and it often frightens and intimidates children. It destroys trust and a child’s feeling of safety. Pay attention to times and circumstances when you yell and then commit to changing those scenarios in the future.
5. Give up your need to look perfect
No such thing as a perfect parent. Embrace your imperfections. Laugh at yourself. The best parents are willing to always learn, change and improve.6. Give up worry
Compulsive worrying doesn’t make your child any safer. It doesn’t make you any happier. And it teaches your children to live in fear. Release your worries and cultivate gratitude for your child’s safety in the present moment.7. Give up one-size-fits-all rules
Every child is unique. What works for one won’t always work for another. Certain standard rules apply across the board (for example, everyone needs to speak respectfully). But consider the possibility that being a fair parent doesn’t mean doing the exact same thing in the exact same way for every child.8. Give up the food fight
If you demand a certain number of bites from your children, you set yourself up for struggle at the table—and you set your children up for struggles with food later in life.Guide, direct, encourage, and prepare healthy food. Let your child voice their preferences. Focus on healthy overall patterns, rather than forcing a certain regimen at a specific meal.
9. Give up your role as events coordinator
If you feel like parenthood is a treadmill you can’t keep up with, you may be taking too much responsibility for your children’s time. Make plans that are supportive to your children’s development, but don’t map out every minute for them.Downtime is supportive to many children. Moments of boredom allow children to take responsibility for their own time. Make resources available and then let your children create the experience they want. You’ll all be happier.
10. Give up unhealthy self-sacrifice
As a parent, you generously give love, time, and attention. But you shouldn’t give up your core self just because you’re a parent. When you ignore your basic needs, you teach your children that when they grow up, they shouldn’t take care of themselves.11. Give up guilt
Parents sometimes fall into the self-sacrifice trap because they feel unnecessary guilt. Guilt can be useful if you use it to recognize where you need to make changes. But overwhelming, paralyzing guilt that makes you feel worthless as a person or parent doesn’t accomplish anything. You are enough, just as you are.12. Give up one-sided decisions
As the parent, you often have the final say. But you and your child will both be happier if it’s not the only say. When age-appropriate, involve your child in decisions that will affect them. By showing children the decision-making process, you’ll empower them to make their own good decisions in the future.13. Give up negative messages
So many messages are repeated to children: you’re too loud, you’re too quiet, you ask too many questions, you’re exhausting, you’re demanding, you’re too talkative, you should make more friends, quit moving, speak up, settle down, smile more.You can comment on the exact same behavior in a positive way. For example, you can see the trait of, “You’re too talkative,” as “You really make friends easily.”
14. Give up your own childhood story
What did you experience that you most want your children to avoid? Being teased at school? Lack of money? Feeling not-enough? Your fears may actually set up that same pattern to be re-created. Don’t trap your children now in your fears of the past. Let them go. Create what you want, not what you don’t want.15. Give up on giving up
I’ve heard from parents who worry that they’ve damaged their child, or that they’ve made a mistake that will last a lifetime. I’ve said this many times:
It’s never too late to be a better parent.
Whether your children are 4 or 40, they respond to genuine love from
their parents. The effects of mistakes may take a little longer to
overcome if your child is older, but it’s never impossible to show up as
the happy, supportive parent that you are meant to be. Don’t give up!
You have everything you need to be a good parent.Ok, deep breath.
It’s time to let go of whatever keeps you stuck and let the happiness in!- See more at: http://thechildwhisperer.com/15-things-give-up-happy-parent/#sthash.26xc9HUw.4wgTcxiB.dpuf
Because parenthood is challenging, we can sometimes forget how to just be happy in the midst of it all.
Consider which of these 15 items keeps you from happy parenting. Let them go. Allow yourself to be a happy parent for your child—and yourself!1. Give up “supposed to”
We were conditioned by our own early family experiences to believe that parenthood or childhood are supposed to look a certain way. But if you hold onto the way things are “supposed” to be, you may miss enjoying how they actually are. Be willing to question what you prioritize as a parent and why.2. Give up on keeping score
What does your mental score-card keep track of… Which parent does more? Who’s most consistent? Which mom contributes most in your child’s class? Who’s most involved in your homeschool group?Keeping score wastes energy. Just do what you feel inspired and able to do. Don’t feel obligated by others’ contributions. Don’t obligate them to live up to yours.
3. Give up force
As a parent you have a responsibility to set boundaries. But if a child consistently resists a certain boundary, don’t just force them to comply. Ask yourself and your child, “Why?”Think of yourself as your child’s trusted and effective guide, not their dictator. When they experience you this way, they’re more likely to listen, which means less struggle and frustration for both of you.
4. Give up yelling
If you’re not a yeller, this one isn’t for you. But if you tend to yell when upset, consider this question: Has yelling strengthened your relationship with your child?Yelling usually happens in anger and it often frightens and intimidates children. It destroys trust and a child’s feeling of safety. Pay attention to times and circumstances when you yell and then commit to changing those scenarios in the future.
5. Give up your need to look perfect
No such thing as a perfect parent. Embrace your imperfections. Laugh at yourself. The best parents are willing to always learn, change and improve.6. Give up worry
Compulsive worrying doesn’t make your child any safer. It doesn’t make you any happier. And it teaches your children to live in fear. Release your worries and cultivate gratitude for your child’s safety in the present moment.7. Give up one-size-fits-all rules
Every child is unique. What works for one won’t always work for another. Certain standard rules apply across the board (for example, everyone needs to speak respectfully). But consider the possibility that being a fair parent doesn’t mean doing the exact same thing in the exact same way for every child.8. Give up the food fight
If you demand a certain number of bites from your children, you set yourself up for struggle at the table—and you set your children up for struggles with food later in life.Guide, direct, encourage, and prepare healthy food. Let your child voice their preferences. Focus on healthy overall patterns, rather than forcing a certain regimen at a specific meal.
9. Give up your role as events coordinator
If you feel like parenthood is a treadmill you can’t keep up with, you may be taking too much responsibility for your children’s time. Make plans that are supportive to your children’s development, but don’t map out every minute for them.Downtime is supportive to many children. Moments of boredom allow children to take responsibility for their own time. Make resources available and then let your children create the experience they want. You’ll all be happier.
10. Give up unhealthy self-sacrifice
As a parent, you generously give love, time, and attention. But you shouldn’t give up your core self just because you’re a parent. When you ignore your basic needs, you teach your children that when they grow up, they shouldn’t take care of themselves.11. Give up guilt
Parents sometimes fall into the self-sacrifice trap because they feel unnecessary guilt. Guilt can be useful if you use it to recognize where you need to make changes. But overwhelming, paralyzing guilt that makes you feel worthless as a person or parent doesn’t accomplish anything. You are enough, just as you are.12. Give up one-sided decisions
As the parent, you often have the final say. But you and your child will both be happier if it’s not the only say. When age-appropriate, involve your child in decisions that will affect them. By showing children the decision-making process, you’ll empower them to make their own good decisions in the future.13. Give up negative messages
So many messages are repeated to children: you’re too loud, you’re too quiet, you ask too many questions, you’re exhausting, you’re demanding, you’re too talkative, you should make more friends, quit moving, speak up, settle down, smile more.You can comment on the exact same behavior in a positive way. For example, you can see the trait of, “You’re too talkative,” as “You really make friends easily.”
14. Give up your own childhood story
What did you experience that you most want your children to avoid? Being teased at school? Lack of money? Feeling not-enough? Your fears may actually set up that same pattern to be re-created. Don’t trap your children now in your fears of the past. Let them go. Create what you want, not what you don’t want.15. Give up on giving up
I’ve heard from parents who worry that they’ve damaged their child, or that they’ve made a mistake that will last a lifetime. I’ve said this many times:
It’s never too late to be a better parent.
Whether your children are 4 or 40, they respond to genuine love from
their parents. The effects of mistakes may take a little longer to
overcome if your child is older, but it’s never impossible to show up as
the happy, supportive parent that you are meant to be. Don’t give up!
You have everything you need to be a good parent.Ok, deep breath.
It’s time to let go of whatever keeps you stuck and let the happiness in!- See more at: http://thechildwhisperer.com/15-things-give-up-happy-parent/#sthash.26xc9HUw.4wgTcxiB.dpuf
Friday, July 26, 2013
HEALTH TIP OF THE DAY: LEG CRAMPS
I don't know that this is unique to those with Moebius Syndrome, but I do seem to remember several of my Moebius friends, at one time or another, talking about problems with leg cramps, especially at night. Well--there are things you can do for that...from the NY Times' "ask well" feature:
How do you prevent nighttime leg cramps?
My husband is subject to excruciatingly painful cramps in his legs – always at night, and always in his thighs. Any suggestions on how to prevent these and also on how to relieve them? We’ve been pushing fluids, especially tonic water with quinine, as a preventive measure. Ice packs seem to provide the best relief when the cramps hit. In case it’s relevant (a) he has just one kidney and (b) I also get night cramps in my legs, but they are nowhere near as severe as his. His cramps will wake him from a deep sleep and have him cursing in pain in just seconds.
Nighttime leg cramps are a common problem: As many as 6 in 10 adults report experiencing them at some time.
But researchers are not sure what causes them. Sometimes they can be a sign of an underlying medical problem, like liver disease, arthritis or peripheral vascular disease, said Dr. Richard E. Allen, who published a report on the phenomenon in the journal American Family Physician last year. Nocturnal leg cramps can also be confused with restless legs syndrome or, in rare cases, a side effect of drugs like estrogen and naproxen.
For that reason, when the problem is persistent, he recommends seeing a doctor to help make a diagnosis.
“Leg cramps are kind of a diagnosis of exclusion,” said Dr. Allen, who is medical director of the Utah Healthcare Institute. “We really should rule out these other more dangerous things before we call it benign leg cramps.”
One remedy that has been shown to work is the antimalarial drug quinine, but it has such severe side effects that the Food and Drug Administration warns against using it for leg cramps. In the United States tonic water historically contained large amounts of quinine but now typically contains very little.
Magnesium supplements are another popular remedy. But a 2012 study in the Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews found that they were “unlikely” to be of much help.
Dr. Allen said that taking a little acetaminophen (Tylenol) before bed can help reduce pain associated with the cramps. A small dose of muscle relaxant or vitamin B12 might also be helpful, he said. But the best dose of prevention might be regular aerobic activity, in particular a few minutes of exercise before bed, like five minutes on a stationary bicycle.
“The two things that seem to be most closely connected to leg cramps are the nerves firing when they’re not supposed to and poor circulation,” he said. “Exercise improves circulation, and it seems to settle down the nerves.”
****************************************
"To bear defeat with dignity, to accept criticism with poise, to receive honors with humility--these are marks of maturity and graciousness."--William Arthur Ward.
But researchers are not sure what causes them. Sometimes they can be a sign of an underlying medical problem, like liver disease, arthritis or peripheral vascular disease, said Dr. Richard E. Allen, who published a report on the phenomenon in the journal American Family Physician last year. Nocturnal leg cramps can also be confused with restless legs syndrome or, in rare cases, a side effect of drugs like estrogen and naproxen.
For that reason, when the problem is persistent, he recommends seeing a doctor to help make a diagnosis.
“Leg cramps are kind of a diagnosis of exclusion,” said Dr. Allen, who is medical director of the Utah Healthcare Institute. “We really should rule out these other more dangerous things before we call it benign leg cramps.”
One remedy that has been shown to work is the antimalarial drug quinine, but it has such severe side effects that the Food and Drug Administration warns against using it for leg cramps. In the United States tonic water historically contained large amounts of quinine but now typically contains very little.
Magnesium supplements are another popular remedy. But a 2012 study in the Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews found that they were “unlikely” to be of much help.
Dr. Allen said that taking a little acetaminophen (Tylenol) before bed can help reduce pain associated with the cramps. A small dose of muscle relaxant or vitamin B12 might also be helpful, he said. But the best dose of prevention might be regular aerobic activity, in particular a few minutes of exercise before bed, like five minutes on a stationary bicycle.
“The two things that seem to be most closely connected to leg cramps are the nerves firing when they’re not supposed to and poor circulation,” he said. “Exercise improves circulation, and it seems to settle down the nerves.”
****************************************
"To bear defeat with dignity, to accept criticism with poise, to receive honors with humility--these are marks of maturity and graciousness."--William Arthur Ward.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
CONTROVERSY OVER THE LONE RANGER
I had not heard about this; but I'm glad I now have. Apparently in the movie "The Lone Ranger", released earlier this month, there is a villain portrayed in the movie. And how did the film's producers try to make him even more scary and signify his evil ways? They gave him a cleft lip. That is, they gave him a facial difference. So a facial difference is a good sign that you're a bad guy, eh? Thankfully parents of children with cleft lips and other facial differences are protesting; you can read more about it here:
You know what I think is most sad? When contacted for their reaction to this, the people at Disney had no comment. Come on--you guys can do better than that.
But I think my friend David Roche says it better than anyone--I'm sure he won't mind if I copy here what he said on Facebook about this just today:
"Seeing and accepting one’s “flawed” condition is a core spiritual experience for ALL human beings, an essential step in developing emotional maturity. It is part of the work of being fully human, and it is hard work. There is no turning aside; we have to come to grips with this task, and to do it with a sense of love for self and others. If we ignore it, we remain fragmented and powerless, vulnerable to fear, addiction and the metaphor of victimization.
A more powerful metaphor of the scarred face is available—one that holds more truth as well as the possibility of healing.
I am proud to be part of the culture of disability, where the artistic metaphor of the scarred face can be one not of fear but of personal integration. For most of my life, I was very ashamed of my appearance. My shadow side is on the outside, where I have been forced to deal with it. Paradoxically, I have found wholeness through, and with, what at first seemed to be my flaws. Working through my fear and shame, I have come to discover that I am whole. I have come to see my face as an elaborately disguised gift. That personal journey is one that we all have to make.
You know what I think is most sad? When contacted for their reaction to this, the people at Disney had no comment. Come on--you guys can do better than that.
But I think my friend David Roche says it better than anyone--I'm sure he won't mind if I copy here what he said on Facebook about this just today:
"Seeing and accepting one’s “flawed” condition is a core spiritual experience for ALL human beings, an essential step in developing emotional maturity. It is part of the work of being fully human, and it is hard work. There is no turning aside; we have to come to grips with this task, and to do it with a sense of love for self and others. If we ignore it, we remain fragmented and powerless, vulnerable to fear, addiction and the metaphor of victimization.
A more powerful metaphor of the scarred face is available—one that holds more truth as well as the possibility of healing.
I am proud to be part of the culture of disability, where the artistic metaphor of the scarred face can be one not of fear but of personal integration. For most of my life, I was very ashamed of my appearance. My shadow side is on the outside, where I have been forced to deal with it. Paradoxically, I have found wholeness through, and with, what at first seemed to be my flaws. Working through my fear and shame, I have come to discover that I am whole. I have come to see my face as an elaborately disguised gift. That personal journey is one that we all have to make.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
BULLYING UPDATE: ENCOURAGING DEVELOPMENTS AT...COMIC-CON?
Yes, from Comic-Con, full of gamers and all the rest of them, where a big panel discussion was held dealing with bullying and where the growing anti-bullying crusade in this nation had a lot of support. I'm glad especially that so many emphasize today that we must not blame the victim. You know how that goes--too often, when a child is bullied and reports it, adults act as if the one being bullied is the problem, that if only he or she would ignore it or pay no attention to it, it would all go away. No way--and kudos for Carrie Goldman for taking this issue national as she has. Read more about her and what happened at Comic-Con:
(CNN) -- I can pinpoint the exact moment that put me
on a path to moderate San Diego Comic-Con's first anti-bullying panel
last weekend. It happened 32 months ago, when I published a blog post about my first-grade daughter Katie, who was taunted for carrying a "Star Wars" water bottle and backpack.
Editor's note: Carrie Goldman is the author of "Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear." Follow Carrie on Facebook and Twitter.
It was the post that launched a thousand geeks, and then 5,000 tweets.
Over the next weeks and months, I read a near-constant stream of
e-mails, letters and messages from people around the world who wanted to
share their own stories of bullying and peer victimization. The story
touched the collective nerve of a very motivated and tech-savvy group of
people, who took my daughter in as one of their own. My husband and I
like to say that we were the first ones to adopt Katie, and the self-proclaimed geeks and nerds adopted her six years later.
The kindness of strangers
to our family served as the catalyst for my transition to full-time
work as an anti-bullying advocate. After interviewing hundreds of
people, including parents, teachers, kids, bullies, victims, bystanders,
researchers, psychologists, lawmakers, celebrities and social workers, I
wrote a book about why bullying persists in our culture and how we can end the cycle of fear.
Carrie Goldman, center, moderated an anti-bullying panel at San Diego Comic-Con.
But even within geek
culture, there is still a vast amount of peer victimization, harassment
and bullying. The gaming industry has been plagued by a hotbed of
vicious attacks -- male gamers versus female gamers and hardcore gamers
versus casual gamers, with issues of misogyny and homophobia and
discrimination coming to the forefront of our collective consciousness.
Within cosplay, people attack each other over myriad issues: Is the
costume authentic? Does the person have the right body shape or
ethnicity for the chosen costume?
The roles of bullies and
victims can sometimes be blurry, especially when someone who was bullied
as a child grows up to be the aggressor. In a world that likes to
simplify goodies versus baddies, bullying dynamics are not always so
simple to deconstruct.
Comic-Con is widely
revered as the mecca of pop culture conventions, but it had never hosted
a conversation directly about bullying. Just as parents, kids and
communities are talking about social cruelty in schools and online, I
wanted to keep the discussion going among geeks and nerds. We need an
opportunity to reach the content creators and ask: How can we respond to
messages of bullying perpetuated by entertainment media while retaining
dynamic narratives in music, movies, video games and comics?
Stay in touch!
Don't miss out on the conversation we're having at CNN Living. Follow us on Twitter and Facebook for the latest stories and tell us what's influencing your life.
Two years ago at the first GeekGirlCon, I met Chase Masterson,
who played Leeta during the final five seasons of "Star Trek: Deep
Space 9." Masterson has mentored kids in gangs for many years, and she
views bullying prevention as a passion project. "There's strength in the
knowledge that countless bullied kids, who have felt so hopeless, have
overcome that pain and have rich, fulfilling lives and relationships.
And people who have been bullied have a unique ability to become
compassionate voices, leaders and champions over oppression; the
potential for healing to conquer injustice is huge," she explained.
At Comic-Con, Masterson and I debuted the newly formed Anti-Bullying Coalition
to lead conversations about a wide range of bullying issues. How can we
get society to stop blaming the victim? How can we create safer spaces
for GLBT kids? How do we empower kids to speak up for others who are
being victimized? How do we raise children who are neither bullies nor
victims?
The questions flew back
and forth, bandied about by Coalition members such as No H8 Campaign,
the United Nations Association, Cartoon Network's Stop Bullying: Speak
Up, the Anti-Defamation League and GLSEN. At one point I stood back and
looked around, equal parts grateful and amazed to be part of the
discussion. Surrounded by people in elaborate costumes, listening to the
noise and excitement, I recalled the moment 32 months ago when I was
just another worried mom, wondering how to help my kid. That moment led
me here.
Comic-Con is serving as a
model for other conventions by addressing the issue of bullying. There
is space for fun and games as well as tackling the more serious issues
that affect convention-goers. Comic conventions provide a common forum
for those with passionate -- even obsessive -- interests, and the same
people who were once taunted for dressing as Superman in school are now
celebrated as cosplayers at a con.
Indeed, some of the strongest voices of support for Katie came from the 501st Legion,
an international charitable organization dedicated to creating exact
costume replications of characters from Star Wars. When Katie mentioned
that she would like to be a Stormtrooper for Halloween last year, the
501st Legion put out a call to action, and members worldwide donated
parts for a miniature set of armor. The Midwest Garrison assembled the
costume and presented it to Katie in a ceremony that ended with her
hugging Darth Vader. After Katie outgrows the armor, we'll donate it
back to the 501st so it can be passed to another child, most likely
through the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Katie, who is off at sleep-away camp, was unable to attend Comic-Con. But she was with me every step of the way.
Late Sunday afternoon,
in the final hour of the final day of the con, the first-ever
anti-bullying panel took place. From the moment I posed the first
question to writer Jane Espenson
of "Once Upon a Time" and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," to the very last
comments by Masterson, the room was full. Every person stayed. Within
hours of the panel ending, tweets were already coming in from people
asking us to bring anti-bullying panels to other pop culture
conventions. Leaders in the geek community are spreading the word.
I think back to the
first moments of the panel, when I said to the room, "Raise your hand if
you still remember a specific incidence of being taunted from more than
a decade ago." The sheer number of hands in the air served as testimony
to the power of hurt feelings to linger. From now on, Comic-Con
convention-goers will come for cosplay, entertainment, freebies,
autographs -- and healing.
*****************************************
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
A PARENT WHO "FAKEBOOKS"--AND IS PROUD OF IT
This is a very interesting piece I found today. This is by a woman who is a parent of a boy with special needs. And she admits--on social media, she emphasizes his triumphs...and not, so much, his struggles. I can certainly see her point, and many of you Moebius moms and dads out there can undoubtedly sympathize with her. But what do you all think? Is she right? Is she missing something? An interesting essay to think about---here it is:
I’ve read the debate about parents and “Fakebooking,” or only presenting your best side to your social media network. Parents have been accused of hiding the tantrums and the sticky floors in favor of the happy, smiling children-who-say-the-darnedest-things. I’m guilty, I guess.
I’m okay with that, and here’s why. I’m not trying to present the illusion that I have my act together, as a mom or anything else. I assure you, I don’t. With a child with special needs, though, it’s more important to me to celebrate his victories than publicize his struggles. And who doesn’t cringe when they stumble across someone’s very personal rant about their husband or child? It’s tacky.
I also have to bear in mind that my kids don’t get a vote in what I’m saying about them. Even with privacy settings, once I’ve posted something, it’s out there for all time. I’m more likely to write about an epic battle with my daughter over clothes, though, than about challenges with my son.
One situation is a universal struggle that all parents have, and a hallmark of girl drama in a typically developing child. The other is more personal, and private, and could further stigmatize a child who already draws attention because he’s a little different.
I see the looks from other parents: the puzzled, pitying, thank-goodness-it’s-not-me glances. The ones that say “I feel sorry for you and your kid.” I hate those looks.
Those parents don’t realize that for every meltdown my son has had in a public place, he’s had 10 victories that make my heart sing. He’s an awesome, sweet, funny guy who may not fit the mold of what people generally think a fourth-grade boy should be. But that doesn’t make him any less amazing.
So when I post on Facebook about him, it’s about how he conquered riding a two-wheel bike. Or how he flipped his canoe on a summer camp field trip last month, and thought that was the best adventure ever. Or the goofy joke he made up the other night (What’s a toe’s favorite food? Toast).
It’s my way of saying, “Sure, you’ve heard all of these difficulties that kids with developmental disabilities have. But look at what my child CAN do. And see how much of it is just like what any other 9-year-old boy does.”
Does that mean I’m presenting to the world a carefully edited, sanitized version of life with a kid with special needs? Maybe.
In a few short years, though, my son will have access to Facebook, and I hope he includes me in his web of friends. When he scrolls back through my posts, I want him to know that I think he can do anything. That I always have, and I always will. That for me, the successes always trumped the difficulties by a long mile.
************************************
"Take a stand for what's right. Raise a ruckus and make a change. You may not always be popular, but you'll be part of something larger and bigger and greater than yourself. Besides, making history is extremely cool."--Samuel L. Jackson
I’ve read the debate about parents and “Fakebooking,” or only presenting your best side to your social media network. Parents have been accused of hiding the tantrums and the sticky floors in favor of the happy, smiling children-who-say-the-darnedest-things. I’m guilty, I guess.
I’m okay with that, and here’s why. I’m not trying to present the illusion that I have my act together, as a mom or anything else. I assure you, I don’t. With a child with special needs, though, it’s more important to me to celebrate his victories than publicize his struggles. And who doesn’t cringe when they stumble across someone’s very personal rant about their husband or child? It’s tacky.
One situation is a universal struggle that all parents have, and a hallmark of girl drama in a typically developing child. The other is more personal, and private, and could further stigmatize a child who already draws attention because he’s a little different.
I see the looks from other parents: the puzzled, pitying, thank-goodness-it’s-not-me glances. The ones that say “I feel sorry for you and your kid.” I hate those looks.
Those parents don’t realize that for every meltdown my son has had in a public place, he’s had 10 victories that make my heart sing. He’s an awesome, sweet, funny guy who may not fit the mold of what people generally think a fourth-grade boy should be. But that doesn’t make him any less amazing.
So when I post on Facebook about him, it’s about how he conquered riding a two-wheel bike. Or how he flipped his canoe on a summer camp field trip last month, and thought that was the best adventure ever. Or the goofy joke he made up the other night (What’s a toe’s favorite food? Toast).
It’s my way of saying, “Sure, you’ve heard all of these difficulties that kids with developmental disabilities have. But look at what my child CAN do. And see how much of it is just like what any other 9-year-old boy does.”
Does that mean I’m presenting to the world a carefully edited, sanitized version of life with a kid with special needs? Maybe.
In a few short years, though, my son will have access to Facebook, and I hope he includes me in his web of friends. When he scrolls back through my posts, I want him to know that I think he can do anything. That I always have, and I always will. That for me, the successes always trumped the difficulties by a long mile.
************************************
"Take a stand for what's right. Raise a ruckus and make a change. You may not always be popular, but you'll be part of something larger and bigger and greater than yourself. Besides, making history is extremely cool."--Samuel L. Jackson
Monday, July 22, 2013
FOR MOEBIUS ADULTS: CAREER ADVICE
So are you an adult with Moebius Syndrome, and perhaps just about to enter the workforce? Or are you a little dissatisfied with what you're doing now, and thinking of looking around? Or are you just interested in some current trends? Well, how about this--apparently today, "temping" is not a dirty word, and in fact is something to consider. Read on:
With the U.S. economic recovery still facing headwinds, insecurity still hangs over many business owners as they worry about how the ongoing fiscal uncertainty will impact their bottom lines.
For this reason, a growing number of employers have shied away from adding full-time workers to their payroll and instead favor hiring temporary or freelance workers to fulfill a short-term need or to work on pending projects. Recent data shows an estimated 17 million Americans are currently employed on a temporary or contract basis, making up 12% of all employed people in the U.S.
Many Americans favor full-time employment because of the benefit packages and the steady workflow, but if approached correctly temporary or freelancing work can be a valuable asset to a career. Here's why:
It shows that you are resourceful. Employers like to see a strong work history, and freelancing can prevent labor gaps after a termination. If your LinkedIn profile or resume shows that you are freelancing while seeking a full-time position, it proves you're capable of working skillfully through difficult situations. It also displays adaptability, perseverance and tenacity when faced with adversity.
It keeps you up to date and relevant. Long-term unemployment can make employers worry about a candidate losing a foothold on trends, technology and the evolution of the industry. While you're unemployed, engaging in temporary or freelance work keeps your foot in the door of the workforce and keeps your finger on the pulse your field.
It exhibits your willingness to learn something new. Freelancing or temporary work could provide new job training, experience and skills that could be applicable later in your career. Taking on a new projects, subjects and work experience shows potential employers that you are open and willing to learn.
It shows that you're a self-starter. Employers want to hire efficient and productive workers; finding temporary or contractual work can highlight your work ethic and ability to overcome challenges.
In the end, you could find freelancing to be more profitable, fulfilling and enjoyable than a full time position. Then the benefits of keeping that business going could outweigh that which initially felt uncomfortable and risky, but until you give it a chance--you will never know.
******************************************
“Faith is daring to put your dream to the test. It is better to try to do something and fail than to try to do nothing and succeed.”--Dr. Robert Schuller
With the U.S. economic recovery still facing headwinds, insecurity still hangs over many business owners as they worry about how the ongoing fiscal uncertainty will impact their bottom lines.
For this reason, a growing number of employers have shied away from adding full-time workers to their payroll and instead favor hiring temporary or freelance workers to fulfill a short-term need or to work on pending projects. Recent data shows an estimated 17 million Americans are currently employed on a temporary or contract basis, making up 12% of all employed people in the U.S.
Many Americans favor full-time employment because of the benefit packages and the steady workflow, but if approached correctly temporary or freelancing work can be a valuable asset to a career. Here's why:
It shows that you are resourceful. Employers like to see a strong work history, and freelancing can prevent labor gaps after a termination. If your LinkedIn profile or resume shows that you are freelancing while seeking a full-time position, it proves you're capable of working skillfully through difficult situations. It also displays adaptability, perseverance and tenacity when faced with adversity.
It keeps you up to date and relevant. Long-term unemployment can make employers worry about a candidate losing a foothold on trends, technology and the evolution of the industry. While you're unemployed, engaging in temporary or freelance work keeps your foot in the door of the workforce and keeps your finger on the pulse your field.
It exhibits your willingness to learn something new. Freelancing or temporary work could provide new job training, experience and skills that could be applicable later in your career. Taking on a new projects, subjects and work experience shows potential employers that you are open and willing to learn.
It shows that you're a self-starter. Employers want to hire efficient and productive workers; finding temporary or contractual work can highlight your work ethic and ability to overcome challenges.
In the end, you could find freelancing to be more profitable, fulfilling and enjoyable than a full time position. Then the benefits of keeping that business going could outweigh that which initially felt uncomfortable and risky, but until you give it a chance--you will never know.
******************************************
“Faith is daring to put your dream to the test. It is better to try to do something and fail than to try to do nothing and succeed.”--Dr. Robert Schuller
Friday, July 19, 2013
LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS: CAN THEY WORK?
Actually, the answer may be yes, says a new study. I post this for all of you out there with Moebius Syndrome. Because you may be thinking, or at least in the past may have thought of this: what if--at a conference, or online--I meet someone else with Moebius, or someone else in the Moebius community? And what is sparks fly, and you want to pursue a relationship? But you don't live in the same area? Many worry about this; and the conventional wisdom often is that long-distance relationships can't work. But maybe it's time to think again. Read on:
Long distance relationships never work, the colloquial wisdom goes. Or rather, they'll work for a while: You’ll trade a few texts, Skype a few times, maybe even visit once in a while. But the heartache of being apart and living separate lives will start to wear on you, and soon enough, things will fizzle out.
Not true, according to a small but growing number of social science studies. Long-distance relationships are, in many ways, stronger than relationships between couples who live together or close by, shows a new study published today in the Journal of Communication.
“While the public and the science community hold a pessimistic view towards long distance (LD), this research provides compelling support for the opposite side – long distance is not necessarily inferior to geographically close dating,” says Crystal Jiang, an assistant professor of communication at City University of Hong Kong.
Jiang's research found that people in long-distance relationships reported feeling emotionally closer to their partners than people in relationships with people who were literally -- geographically -- closer. Long-distance couples also reported sharing more with their partners, and feeling like their partners were really listening.
“You always hear people say ‘long-distance relationships suck’ or ‘long-distance relationships never work out,’” Jiang says. “Indeed, our culture, particularly American culture, emphasizes being together physically and frequent face-to-face contact for close relationships, but long-distance relationships clearly stand against all these values.”
It’s especially reassuring to hear this now, as so many couples today are living apart. Three million Americans live apart from their spouses (for reasons other than divorce or discordance), Jiang says. It's a trend that’s has spawned the term “commuter marriages” in recent headlines reflecting the new realities of tough economic times -- you've got to go where the job is, after all. And many college students, not surprisingly, live apart from their partners – up to 50 percent are in a long-distance relationship, according to one estimate in a 2005 report.
It gets harder to estimate how many non-married, non-college students are in long-distance relationships, but according to one estimate, 14 percent of dating relationships were long-distance, according to the Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships. (Yes, such a thing once existed; sadly, it has closed).
Last January, Nicole Kendrot, who’s now 26, moved back to her home town of Rochester, N.Y., and decided to give online dating a try. She soon met Richard Smith, who lived in Rochester, and the two started dating. But just two months into their relationship, Kendrot was offered a web designer job in New York City, 333 miles and a six-hour drive from Rochester, with the company she was freelancing for. She felt like she had to take the job, and moved in May of last year. Since then, she and Smith have been dating long distance.
“It hasn’t been as hard as I expected it to be,” says Smith. The couple talk at least once every day via Google Hangout, which means they get to see each other's faces every day, too. They sometimes use the Google service to just, literally, “hang out” – they tore through the first three seasons of “Arrested Development” on Netflix together that way.
In the new study, 63 heterosexual dating couples independently completed online surveys every day for one week. Their ages ranged from 18 to 34, but the average age was 20, and most were college students. About 80 percent of the couples considered their relationship committed or serious, and the average length of their relationships was 22 months. On average, the long-distance couples had been separated for about 17 months.
Researchers asked them to track their interactions with their partners: how often they communicated, how long they talked and what they used to do it – phone calls, video chats, instant messages, email, texting or seeing each other face-to-face.
The couples in long-distance relationships reported interacting with each other a little less often every day than the couples who lived close by. But the separated couples reported “experiencing greater intimacy” – or, feeling closer to their partners, as intimacy is defined here – than the couples who were geographically closer.
That’s definitely been the case for Smith and Kendrot.
“Not only does it force you to keep in touch, it forces you to make an effort to do that,” Smith says. In other words, if you’re dating someone nearby, it gets easy to take the relationship for granted, and to maybe not put in as much work as you should, he says. “But if you’re in a long-distance relationship for a year, it’s pretty certain you really like that person,” he continues. “If you don’t put in a good amount of effort, you just stop talking to each other.”
Kendrot agrees. “Every day, you make that choice to be in it,” says Kendrot, who next week will be moving back to Rochester to be with Smith full time. (She was able to work things out with her job so she can work remotely.) “It’s not the hardest thing in the world, but it’s definitely not an easy situation.”
The study also found that people in long-distance relationships reported being more open with their partners, and that their partners were in return more open with them, something that sounds right to Ally Cuneo, 20, whose husband, Michael, 21, was deployed in May.
“You have to have more trust in each other with distance,” says Cuneo, who lives in Kailua, Hawaii. She and her husband, who's a Marine, have been married for nearly two years, during which he’s been deployed twice. “We’re completely open and honest with each other. There’s nothing we hide, there are no secrets," she says.
But the reason you see your faraway lady- or gentleman-lover in such a rosy light may be precisely because he or she is far away, points out Dr. Gail Saltz, a New York City psychiatrist and frequent TODAY contributor. This new study, and others before it, have shown that long distance partners tend to idealize each other, or see them in unrealistically positive terms.
“It’s easier to hold on to this idealized view of the other person when you’re not with them all the time,” Saltz says. That idealization can make the reunion difficult, once the honeymoon vibes have worn off. Cuneo says last time her husband returned after a long deployment, she had to remind herself, "He's been gone for eight months; he's not going to remember I like the dishwasher loaded a certain way."
But it's a generally positive takeaway message here for couples in long-distance relationships. It's so hard to be away from each other, but your relationship really can take it, Jiang says. (In fact, past research has shown that long-distance couples are no more likely to break up than geographically close couples.)
“If being geographically apart is inevitable, people should not despair,” Jiang says. Long-distance relationships “are not doomed to fail,” she says, at least not more easily than relationships between two people who live close by. “I think such findings give people confidence given long-distance romance is much more common nowadays,” she says.
********************************************
"Set your course by the stars, not by the lights of every passing ship."--Gen. Omar Bradley
Long distance relationships never work, the colloquial wisdom goes. Or rather, they'll work for a while: You’ll trade a few texts, Skype a few times, maybe even visit once in a while. But the heartache of being apart and living separate lives will start to wear on you, and soon enough, things will fizzle out.
Not true, according to a small but growing number of social science studies. Long-distance relationships are, in many ways, stronger than relationships between couples who live together or close by, shows a new study published today in the Journal of Communication.
“While the public and the science community hold a pessimistic view towards long distance (LD), this research provides compelling support for the opposite side – long distance is not necessarily inferior to geographically close dating,” says Crystal Jiang, an assistant professor of communication at City University of Hong Kong.
Jiang's research found that people in long-distance relationships reported feeling emotionally closer to their partners than people in relationships with people who were literally -- geographically -- closer. Long-distance couples also reported sharing more with their partners, and feeling like their partners were really listening.
“You always hear people say ‘long-distance relationships suck’ or ‘long-distance relationships never work out,’” Jiang says. “Indeed, our culture, particularly American culture, emphasizes being together physically and frequent face-to-face contact for close relationships, but long-distance relationships clearly stand against all these values.”
It’s especially reassuring to hear this now, as so many couples today are living apart. Three million Americans live apart from their spouses (for reasons other than divorce or discordance), Jiang says. It's a trend that’s has spawned the term “commuter marriages” in recent headlines reflecting the new realities of tough economic times -- you've got to go where the job is, after all. And many college students, not surprisingly, live apart from their partners – up to 50 percent are in a long-distance relationship, according to one estimate in a 2005 report.
It gets harder to estimate how many non-married, non-college students are in long-distance relationships, but according to one estimate, 14 percent of dating relationships were long-distance, according to the Center for the Study of Long-Distance Relationships. (Yes, such a thing once existed; sadly, it has closed).
Last January, Nicole Kendrot, who’s now 26, moved back to her home town of Rochester, N.Y., and decided to give online dating a try. She soon met Richard Smith, who lived in Rochester, and the two started dating. But just two months into their relationship, Kendrot was offered a web designer job in New York City, 333 miles and a six-hour drive from Rochester, with the company she was freelancing for. She felt like she had to take the job, and moved in May of last year. Since then, she and Smith have been dating long distance.
“It hasn’t been as hard as I expected it to be,” says Smith. The couple talk at least once every day via Google Hangout, which means they get to see each other's faces every day, too. They sometimes use the Google service to just, literally, “hang out” – they tore through the first three seasons of “Arrested Development” on Netflix together that way.
In the new study, 63 heterosexual dating couples independently completed online surveys every day for one week. Their ages ranged from 18 to 34, but the average age was 20, and most were college students. About 80 percent of the couples considered their relationship committed or serious, and the average length of their relationships was 22 months. On average, the long-distance couples had been separated for about 17 months.
Researchers asked them to track their interactions with their partners: how often they communicated, how long they talked and what they used to do it – phone calls, video chats, instant messages, email, texting or seeing each other face-to-face.
The couples in long-distance relationships reported interacting with each other a little less often every day than the couples who lived close by. But the separated couples reported “experiencing greater intimacy” – or, feeling closer to their partners, as intimacy is defined here – than the couples who were geographically closer.
That’s definitely been the case for Smith and Kendrot.
“Not only does it force you to keep in touch, it forces you to make an effort to do that,” Smith says. In other words, if you’re dating someone nearby, it gets easy to take the relationship for granted, and to maybe not put in as much work as you should, he says. “But if you’re in a long-distance relationship for a year, it’s pretty certain you really like that person,” he continues. “If you don’t put in a good amount of effort, you just stop talking to each other.”
During the not-quite-two-years that Michael and Ally Cuneo have been married , Michael has been deployed twice. He left for the second time in May, and will be back just before Christmas.
The study also found that people in long-distance relationships reported being more open with their partners, and that their partners were in return more open with them, something that sounds right to Ally Cuneo, 20, whose husband, Michael, 21, was deployed in May.
“You have to have more trust in each other with distance,” says Cuneo, who lives in Kailua, Hawaii. She and her husband, who's a Marine, have been married for nearly two years, during which he’s been deployed twice. “We’re completely open and honest with each other. There’s nothing we hide, there are no secrets," she says.
But the reason you see your faraway lady- or gentleman-lover in such a rosy light may be precisely because he or she is far away, points out Dr. Gail Saltz, a New York City psychiatrist and frequent TODAY contributor. This new study, and others before it, have shown that long distance partners tend to idealize each other, or see them in unrealistically positive terms.
“It’s easier to hold on to this idealized view of the other person when you’re not with them all the time,” Saltz says. That idealization can make the reunion difficult, once the honeymoon vibes have worn off. Cuneo says last time her husband returned after a long deployment, she had to remind herself, "He's been gone for eight months; he's not going to remember I like the dishwasher loaded a certain way."
But it's a generally positive takeaway message here for couples in long-distance relationships. It's so hard to be away from each other, but your relationship really can take it, Jiang says. (In fact, past research has shown that long-distance couples are no more likely to break up than geographically close couples.)
“If being geographically apart is inevitable, people should not despair,” Jiang says. Long-distance relationships “are not doomed to fail,” she says, at least not more easily than relationships between two people who live close by. “I think such findings give people confidence given long-distance romance is much more common nowadays,” she says.
********************************************
"Set your course by the stars, not by the lights of every passing ship."--Gen. Omar Bradley
Thursday, July 18, 2013
More from "The Storyteller"
So finally later in the story, our heroine, Sage, who has the facial difference, meets a good man, who becomes genuinely interested in her. (His name is Leo.) He knows though that Sage worries about her face (though she won't talk about it). He thinks:
"I bet whatever Sage is picturing, when she looks at her reflection, is a lot worse than what the rest of us actually see."
For a time, Sage can't escape her depression, her feeling that she isn't good enough. At one point, she thinks:
"He doesn't know what love is like, for someone who looks like me. I have three options: 1] Be sad and lonely. 2] Be the woman who is cheated on. 3] Be the other woman."
Later, Leo begins to help Sage get at the truth:
"'You'd be surprised how hard it is to get people to believe the truth,' Leo tells me later, as we walk across the parking lot. But I'm not surprised. Look at how hard I fought Josef, when he tried to tell me who he used to be. 'I guess that's because most of the time we don't want to admit to ourselves.' 'That's true,' Leo says thoughtfully. 'It's amazing what you can convince yourself of, if you buy into the lie.'
You can believe, for example, that a dead-end job is a career. You can blame your ugliness for keeping people at bay, when in reality you're crippled by the thought of letting another person close enough to potentially scar you even more deeply. You can tell yourself that it's safer to love someone who will never really love you back, because you can't lose someone you never had."
*******************************
Sage eventually finds love with Leo, and realizes it's time to stop letting her different face be an excuse for holding herself back. Think: are YOU the one holding yourself back? Don't let that happen.
"I bet whatever Sage is picturing, when she looks at her reflection, is a lot worse than what the rest of us actually see."
For a time, Sage can't escape her depression, her feeling that she isn't good enough. At one point, she thinks:
"He doesn't know what love is like, for someone who looks like me. I have three options: 1] Be sad and lonely. 2] Be the woman who is cheated on. 3] Be the other woman."
Later, Leo begins to help Sage get at the truth:
"'You'd be surprised how hard it is to get people to believe the truth,' Leo tells me later, as we walk across the parking lot. But I'm not surprised. Look at how hard I fought Josef, when he tried to tell me who he used to be. 'I guess that's because most of the time we don't want to admit to ourselves.' 'That's true,' Leo says thoughtfully. 'It's amazing what you can convince yourself of, if you buy into the lie.'
You can believe, for example, that a dead-end job is a career. You can blame your ugliness for keeping people at bay, when in reality you're crippled by the thought of letting another person close enough to potentially scar you even more deeply. You can tell yourself that it's safer to love someone who will never really love you back, because you can't lose someone you never had."
*******************************
Sage eventually finds love with Leo, and realizes it's time to stop letting her different face be an excuse for holding herself back. Think: are YOU the one holding yourself back? Don't let that happen.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
LESSONS FROM "THE STORYTELLER"
It's actually the title of a novel by Jodi Picoult. I finished reading it a couple of weeks ago. It was a very good read. There's a lot going on in the book--you have a young woman named Sage who has kind of lost her way; she doesn't believe in herself, she's having an affair with a married man, she recently lost her mother and blames herself for her mom's death, and she's attending a grief therapy group that really isn't helping her much.
And then she encounters a serious moral dilemma. At grief therapy, she meets a man named Josef Weber. He's 95 years old, a German emigre to America many years ago. And he appears to have been a pillar of the community--a long-time teacher, community activist, apparently loved by all. But he winds up making a shocking confession to Sage--that many years ago, when Josef still lived in Germany, and it was controlled by Adolf Hitler and the Nazis, he had joined the SS and during the war helped commit horrible war crimes against the Jews. Now he wants Sage to help him commit suicide, to in a way atone for his past. What should Sage do?
At the same time, Sage struggles with her own issues. For--and this is what makes this book relevant and interesting to the Moebius community, I think--Sage has a facial difference, and this is to a great degree what has made her struggle with life. Now her issues are a bit different than what one encounters with Moebius Syndrome. Sage acquired her facial difference later in life, when she was about 20 years old. We meanwhile are born with Moebius. And Sage doesn't have facial paralysis. She just has a very noticeable scar on her face, from a bad car accident. But people stare at her, and she tries very hard to hide it.
Anyway, there are some very interesting quotes from the book that I believe might apply to some of us with Moebius; that maybe some of us, at times, have thought like this. For example: why does Sage date a married man who, quite obviously, is never going to leave his wife (even though he always promises to do so)? Sage says:
"My only defense is that I never expected to be adored by a man, not after what had happened to me, and yet here was Adam--attractive and successful--doing just that. Every fiber of morality in me said that Adam belonged to someone else was being countermanded by the quiet whisper in my head: Beggars can't be choosers; take what you can get; who else would ever love someone like you?"
A bit later Sage adds:
"I had resigned myself to living alone, working alone, being alone for the rest of my life. Even if I had found someone who professed not to care about the weird puckering on the left side of my face, how would I ever know if he loved me, or pitied me?"
Later, Sage's best friend asks her why she is still having her affair, given that Adam is not treating her right and will never fulfill his promises to her. Sage says:
"I point the tip of my knife at my scar. 'Do you think I wanted this?', I ask. 'Do you think that I don't wish every day of my life that I could have the same things everyone else does--a job that's 9 to 5, and a stroll down the street without kids staring, and a man who thinks I'm beautiful?'"
BUT--see then what Sage's friend says in response, and it's something that we all, always, have to keep in mind; because the lives of so many of you with Moebius--the great jobs you have, the relationships you find, the successes you achieve--prove that it's true:
"You could have all those things," Mary says, folding me into her arms. "You're the only one saying you can't. You're not a bad person, Sage."
***********************************
And that's the key, isn't it? Don't be the only one saying you can't do this or that.
And then she encounters a serious moral dilemma. At grief therapy, she meets a man named Josef Weber. He's 95 years old, a German emigre to America many years ago. And he appears to have been a pillar of the community--a long-time teacher, community activist, apparently loved by all. But he winds up making a shocking confession to Sage--that many years ago, when Josef still lived in Germany, and it was controlled by Adolf Hitler and the Nazis, he had joined the SS and during the war helped commit horrible war crimes against the Jews. Now he wants Sage to help him commit suicide, to in a way atone for his past. What should Sage do?
At the same time, Sage struggles with her own issues. For--and this is what makes this book relevant and interesting to the Moebius community, I think--Sage has a facial difference, and this is to a great degree what has made her struggle with life. Now her issues are a bit different than what one encounters with Moebius Syndrome. Sage acquired her facial difference later in life, when she was about 20 years old. We meanwhile are born with Moebius. And Sage doesn't have facial paralysis. She just has a very noticeable scar on her face, from a bad car accident. But people stare at her, and she tries very hard to hide it.
Anyway, there are some very interesting quotes from the book that I believe might apply to some of us with Moebius; that maybe some of us, at times, have thought like this. For example: why does Sage date a married man who, quite obviously, is never going to leave his wife (even though he always promises to do so)? Sage says:
"My only defense is that I never expected to be adored by a man, not after what had happened to me, and yet here was Adam--attractive and successful--doing just that. Every fiber of morality in me said that Adam belonged to someone else was being countermanded by the quiet whisper in my head: Beggars can't be choosers; take what you can get; who else would ever love someone like you?"
A bit later Sage adds:
"I had resigned myself to living alone, working alone, being alone for the rest of my life. Even if I had found someone who professed not to care about the weird puckering on the left side of my face, how would I ever know if he loved me, or pitied me?"
Later, Sage's best friend asks her why she is still having her affair, given that Adam is not treating her right and will never fulfill his promises to her. Sage says:
"I point the tip of my knife at my scar. 'Do you think I wanted this?', I ask. 'Do you think that I don't wish every day of my life that I could have the same things everyone else does--a job that's 9 to 5, and a stroll down the street without kids staring, and a man who thinks I'm beautiful?'"
BUT--see then what Sage's friend says in response, and it's something that we all, always, have to keep in mind; because the lives of so many of you with Moebius--the great jobs you have, the relationships you find, the successes you achieve--prove that it's true:
"You could have all those things," Mary says, folding me into her arms. "You're the only one saying you can't. You're not a bad person, Sage."
***********************************
And that's the key, isn't it? Don't be the only one saying you can't do this or that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)