We talk about bullying, and the problem it poses in this society, some on this blog. But it's also important to think about this: do we sometimes overuse the word? Do we sometimes label things as "bullying", which in fact are not? We don't want to overdo things or dilute the meaning of the word. We want to focus on true bullying, and nothing else.
This recent piece from CNN discusses this further:
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In the last few months, the word rippled through news reports of tragic teen suicides in
Connecticut,
New York,
Nova Scotia and
Britain.
It's the same word sometimes used to describe
the way reality TV stars treat one another on camera, or
how unfriendly office mates interact or why grade school pals stop getting along.
Every parent, teacher and
child knows the word: "bullying." But this month, as schools and
communities launch fresh campaigns around
National Bullying Prevention Month, some are urging more precise use of the B-word.
"Bullying," some
researchers say, has been misused and abused in the last few years --
too casually uttered about every hurt, slight and fight, too frequently
used in place of "teasing" or "fighting," too often brought up before
there's proof it happened.
The very word, some say, has been bullied.
"By calling everything
bullying, we're actually failing to recognize the seriousness of the
problem," said Elizabeth Englander, a professor of psychology and
founder and director of the
Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center at Bridgewater State University. "It's one of the unfortunate side effects of doing an awareness campaign ... everyone wants to adopt it."
It began a few years ago,
as horrifying stories of bullying hit the media and serious awareness
began to spread. Educators, lawmakers, parents and children all tried to
make sense of it, even as it evolved with the latest social network.
But along the way, people sometimes confused bullying with the
unfortunate -- but normal -- moments of angry, thoughtless or hurtful
behavior.
Actual bullying, many
educators and social scientists say, is intentional, repetitive abuse by
a powerful person toward a less powerful target.
But not everyone defines it the same way: Although most states have bullying laws on the books, according to the
Education Commission of the States,
it's handled differently around the country. New Hampshire's law
specifies that an act need occur only once -- not multiple times -- to
be bullying. Nebraska's law calls on local districts to create bullying
policies. Several states recently added provisions to cover
cyberbullying -- bullying or harassment through technology. Laws in
Massachusetts and New Jersey detail how educators should prevent, report
and investigate bullying.
Say the word in almost
any school these days, and it will get a quick reaction. In many cases,
advocates said, that's helpful. But sometimes, when it's not really
bullying, kids miss out on a chance to learn to cope with minor
conflicts on their own.
"The label 'bullying' is
really incendiary," Englander said. "It ratchets everything up
emotionally. It makes it hard to really address, rationally, what the
best course of action is."
The people hurt most by
the overuse of "bullying," Englander said, are young people most
desperate for a solution -- those in the midst of very real, traumatic
instances of bullying, students whose pain might be overlooked in a
crush of reported cases.
"Being deliberately
isolated and laughed at cruelly every single day can be devastating
socially and academically, because the target must both endure the
present and constantly dread the future," Englander wrote in the book "
Bullying and Cyberbulling,"
released this month. "It's this unrelenting cruelty and the callous
nature of such an environment that is watered down when we include every
social slight or quarrel under the bullying rubric."
"If everyone's a victim," she wrote, "then no one's a victim."
Still, some educators
and parents worry that even scaling back on the word "bullying" could
put a chill on training and conversations about bullying -- and quash
the newfound courage some have found to stand up against it.
'It wasn't all that simple'
Even after years of training, it can be hard to untangle the threads of a possible bullying case.
How to stop bullying
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Expert: Cyberbullying can be final straw
Becki Cohn-Vargas, an
educator for more than two decades, recalled how conflicts between
students were never as black-and-white as they seemed at first. A child
who bullied might express remorse, then relapse. A girl would complain
of bullying by a child she'd once targeted. LGBT students in a school
known for its kind atmosphere would quietly admit to daily torment.
Religious students were targeted, and secular students, too. All over
the playground and lunchroom, students might freeze out another child,
demeaning him without saying a word.
To identify a child as a bully or victim was difficult -- and dangerous.
"As a principal, parents
would come to my school and you'd kind of dig in, and it wasn't all
that simple," Cohn-Vargas said. "It's not like there are bad bullies and
good kids. Every kid is able to do some kind of bullying behavior."
People should be
diligent about how they use the word bullying, Cohn-Vargas said, but
that doesn't mean they should stop talking about it. As the director of
Not in Our School,
she now advocates creating "identity safe" schools. The idea is to
prevent bullying and create a positive learning spaces by teaching kids
about each others' cultures and encouraging them to step up if they
believe someone will be hurt by another person's actions.
Englander, of the
Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center, suggests teachers and parents
talk with students immediately if they see a behavior that violates
social norms; whether it's the only time it has happened, or it's part
of a bullying situation, young people need to hear right away that it's
not OK to whisper about others or tease people, for example.
But even schools that
feel safe will sometimes experience fist fights, tearful teasing -- and
bullying. After many years of research and practice, Cohn-Vargas now
knows she shouldn't respond to them all the same way, and that bullying
prevention training has to be ongoing.
"It's not a one-shot
assembly or learn the rules thing," she said. "You have to have a really
good understanding of the definition, and everyone has to know how to
respond."
It's one thing to train
teachers and school staff members, but it can be tough to train people
outside the school, especially parents.
"Nothing was bullying 25
years ago. It was kids being kids. Not saying it was right, but parents
thought it was part of growing up," said
Kevin Quinn, president of the
National Association of School Resource Officers.
"Now we see a lot of parents trying to generalize what bullying is --
any time kids do something to each other, let's call it bullying and
deal with it that way."
At the Arizona high
school where he works, they get more reports of bullying than they once
did, but they also spend time researching whether they're really onetime
scrapes, minor offenses, criminal activities that should be handled by
police or acts of bullying that need to be reported to administration.
"The last thing we want
to do is start turning every single kid in the school into a suspect,"
he said. "You've got to train teachers, staff, get information to
parents. The definition (of bullying) is only as good as the people that
know it."
'Not a word we're afraid to use'
Susan Guess now knows the definition by heart, for reasons she never could have imagined.
Just a few years ago,
neither Guess nor her daughter, Morgan, thought they needed to know much
about bullying. She was a fixture in her daughter's classroom. They
were close, always talking. If there was ever a problem, she was sure
Morgan would tell her.
But when Morgan entered
third grade, Guess began to notice a few changes -- little things, like
how Morgan walked past her friends to spend time with one girl, or how
that girl always seemed to lead Morgan around. Morgan mentioned nothing,
and at first, Guess didn't ask. When she finally did, Morgan was ready
to talk.
The girl was pinching
her and pulling her hair, Morgan said. She might elbow her in the back
one day, and hold her hand the next. She wouldn't let her play with her
other friends. If she complained, Morgan feared it would get worse.
The girl wanted to be her friend, Morgan explained, but she didn't know how.
Meanwhile, Morgan had
grown anxious and depressed. She began to have stomach spasms, and to
struggle more academically. The realization made Guess felt a little
ill, too.
"Our schools spent time
talking about the issue, but she did not know -- and I had not equipped
her -- with the skills she needed to stand up for herself," Guess said,
recalling those hard months two years ago.
Guess worked with the
school to separate the girls, and the physical bullying mostly stopped.
Guess would still sometimes find the child trying to block Morgan -- "a
power play" -- or inserting herself among Morgan's friends.
Eventually, the girl changed schools.
Guess realized, though,
that just as her daughter struggled to tell an adult what was happening,
parents might not realize that their children were being bullied, or
might worry they'd be seen as a troublemaker.
The mother and daughter launched the
Guess Anti-Bullying Foundation
to help educate their western Kentucky community about what bullying
looks like, and how to create kinder, more empathetic schools. It can be
difficult: Schools can't label a bully with the "Scarlet B," she said,
but it was hard to feel any sensitivity toward the girl who'd hurt her
daughter.
She's grateful for the
education she's received on bullying, but doesn't believe the word is
overused. You have to say it, she said, to help children understand
which relationships are healthy, which ones aren't, and how to help a
person in need.
"A child is suffering,
and we spend so much time saying, 'This is bullying, this isn't
bullying,' " Guess said. "If we've gained anything, I hope we're better
people, more sensitive to our interactions with other people."
At age 10, Morgan is now
doing wonderfully, Guess said. She's stronger academically, less shy
than before and has been honored for her work to help people understand
bullying. Bully, Guess said, "is not a word we're afraid to use
anymore."
Last month, as Guess walked through the hallway of her daughter's school, she noticed a handwritten poster hanging on the wall.
"What is a bully?" it said in a child's writing, a small heart atop the "I."
"A bully is a bigger or
stronger person that hurts or frightens a smaller or weaker person on
purpose," it answered in rainbow letters, "over and over again."
Guess snapped a photo,
and posted it on her anti-bullying foundation's Facebook page: "Every
single act of education," she wrote,"makes a difference."
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